Day 40 (late night)

I was again in the forest for 3 hours while it was raining.
At one point I just laid down on a bunch of cut trees and listened to some of my own track on the phone. Later I also walked while listening.
It was pretty strange an felt sureal. But at least I remember something which happened in the earlier secondary school years. I was thinking about why sometimes my left hand is dead cold and sometimes just my right hand and sometimes both and sometimes none, while listening to a track.

The memory has nothing to do with the why, but with an arm. I don’t remember who exactly, but when we once got to the library with our class, someone just put some kind of cable strap around one of my arms.
I couldn’t get it of myself and he or they just laughed about it. I don’t know how long I had this around my arm (and it was pretty tight as far as I remember), until an adult must have noticed it or maybe someone said something. I really don’t know. But then someone cut it with scissors and they said, that this could be dangerous, that nerves could die (obviously) and so on. But I don’t remember whether the one who did it got blambed, maybe. I really just remember that it happened and that it was some kind of traumatic event for me. Maybe not as traumatic as other things, but still not good.

Maybe the forest trips actually help and together with the music, probably even better. I just have to process all of these lost, blocked, hidden and damaged memories. For example I also got some good memories, when I was sailing with my class to Denmark for some hours. And also some games I played with some friend, even though there weren’t always as fun for me as for them, I guess. But one does, what one has to do, to fit in, right? … Well, at least I thought this way back then until I just gave it all up.