Day 39 (until dawn)

Yesterday evening I again two stops during listening to some tracks.
The first stopped after 2:29 and then another stopped at 2:19.
After that nothing happened and the computer also wasn’t turned on. But after sleeping some hours I listened to some more tracks and then again, one stopped after 2:19. Still can be explained with loading issues, but when I listen to other tracks or one hour playlists, nothing stopped.
We have 2:34, 2:29, 2:19, 2:19.

I could believe everything, really. But if I can’t be sure whether I am just getting crazy or it is all normal, or what the hell is going on inside me, how should I trust and forgive myself or motivate myself?

Because everyone seems to have problems, the conclusion would be, that indeed I am the problem and then, how should I tell whether their problems are different from mine? Maybe we all just think we have similar problems, while we think we have unique problems, while we are all just broken and should be happy about it. (You what?) Mhmm.

This whole opening up and awakening thing is so fascinating and frustrating at the same time. Because everyone seems to know how it works and that it is easy and that it is the way and that we all should be who we are … cool, but when I was a kid, no one told me that. I had it all and then I gave it all away, just that people could again tell me how I should be.
But then they don’t know how I was, that I already was what everyone wants. I was a happy kid, I was a kind kid, I couldn’t wait to help and did things which could have been dangerous for my age, but nothing went wrong and I made nice things. I was open for everything and everyone, but then strange rules, perspectives, unwritten laws, believes, words, actions and in general other people, showed me, that it wasn’t right, that it was not normal, that I should be different. I tried to, I really did, but in the end, I sometimes was even worse than them and then I was just broken after all.

I don’t know any examples right now, but I remembered today, that I even started to enjoy, to be treated in this way. As I mentioned some time earlier, I started to manipulate people and myself, so that I got the result I wanted or thought would be right. If I could have been first, I simply wanted to be last, to be what I felt. So I sometimes just killed myself in games or did something wrong. Sometimes by will, sometimes just random. And also in conversations or other situations. I even started to enjoy being a loser or a problem sometimes. It supported my broken mindset of being different and wrong. It wasn’t about attention, I just wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to be anywhere sometimes. It was just to break me completely. I wanted to be broken. And I also remembered that in elementary school I once was at the bicycle driving school with my class (basically a big place with small a mini street system, traffic lights and signs managed by the police for children).

I remember that for whatever reason I just made some sounds or said random things and it must have been pretty annoying because one of the police people (I think it was woman), asked me to be quiet and whether I am always like this (if I remember correctly). Well, I don’t know since when I was like that, but I wasn’t like that for long. Maybe it was just this year (last year of elementary school), maybe just some days.

But at least I did something. In secondary school I more and more closed up until I didn’t even hang out with friends and only played with some friends at home and at the youth group thingy from a church a friend of mine went to. On the other hand I met new people on the internet, two of them even in real life. But well, now I also stopped to play or in general do anything with them. I block every social interaction as soon as I have the opportunity to do so or the courage to speak up. Sometimes I just didn’t answer for a while, which of course also blocks social interaction after a while. Just left with myself.

(Yeah, yeah. Get over with it. You are “so broken” and “soo sad”… yeah yeah. Just get your shit together and don’t play the victim okay? We have other people with real problems over here.)

Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to…

(Yeah, sure… just get happy and make something fun. You probably just need some vitamins and a little fresh air)

Sure…

(Have a nice day.)

Bye…

This is just for me to process my past, my present, my brain, my feelings and why I am still thinking that I have no reason to feel this way.

In my brain it says: “You are fine. Why are you lying to the people? There aren’t any problems. Sure people said things, but many people go through that, you have no reason to be sad, depressed or broken. You are probably too well and you just want to be lazy. You are probably just selfish and let other people do the hard work for you, while you pretend to be a victim. You aren’t better than your father, you are worse.”

Ah, thanks brain, I didn’t know that…

It was wrong to be myself, when I was young, it is wrong to be myself now (because now I am the opposite of when I was a kid most of the time) and I bet, if I would fully push myself to change back, if it is possible, then the world would change again, so that it would be wrong again. I am probably just to slow to catch up, while I actually just always wanted to myself, but I thought it would be impossible. And now it seems as if it is normal, while it still doesn’t feel like it. Probably most people never mean things the same way as I recieve them.

Well I actually stopped listening to them some years ago. Then last year I started to listen to a couple again, but I just wasn’t interest that much anymore. But I just had to watch this one because it got recommened and just uploaded half an hour ago.

About my feelings of being broken, sad, depressed and so on, if I would feel good, because I would just pretend, than I would have no reason to feel pain and weak, right? So at least something which tells me, that there is indeed something not right with me. But the thing is, that I could probably just be in my normal happy, open state if I would be somewhere else, with other people. Okay sure not to the fullest because of trust problems, but I could turn it off if I would want to, I guess. It just isn’t helping to do so, if I don’t know whether I might just fall into the next “you are stupid”, “do you really believe that?” or “Grow up kid” situation. And then I better tell it myself, so that I continue the cycle of self manipulation because it is normal. It is normal that people say these things to me, when I open up.
And if not, I really get worried because then I am not sure whether they try to fool me until they laugh about it, just to get me to a point where I tell too much weird stuff, so that they can say “Wow dude you are really fucked up”.

I can more or less easily deactivate all negative thoughts and problems for good, when I would know for sure, that all what I really want (no programmed manipaltion) would be right. Not necessarily by law or for all people, it never would be, but to be a good impact for the people around me. Also I don’t want to disappoint people more than I already did. It is normal for me to be depressed and sometimes over motivated (probably some kind of bipolar disorder), but I could just always be good, if I would know it is the right thing.

But I still can’t believe that, why I still feel too much negativity and don’t do much (despite the writing and the music of course). But nothing like getting money or solving current problems, only some and way too few. I even paid some hundred euros for nothing because I didn’t cancel the services and didn’t clean my flat yet, the public traffic and other things. Yep… I get no money, waste money and lay in bed most of the time, when I am not walking in the forest or sit in front of my computer screen. If I would know, that at least my direction is right and I should just go full in, I would do it. And then I know, but I can’t trust it, I still can’t trust myself. I got too used to be wrong and call myself wrong, that I still believe it. How should I trust myself? At least I am still working on it, right?

And my problem is, that I feel too much, I always felt too much.
Always… and it was beautiful. When I watch a pretty sad game story, movie or real incident, I still cried or at least wanted to and when there was something lovely like a child painting a picutre for their parents or just such little things, I still felt love sometimes, happiness. But all these feelings, I couldn’t stand them because for what? If everyone says, “don’t take everything so serious”, “not all is turning around you”, “stay realistic”…
I forced myself to think realistic, while it never was my way to see the world and it made me broken because it separated my soul, my brain, my everything.

At first just passively and then I forced it actively. I betrayed myself, I did to myself a horrible crime. But now what? Just get over it?
It isn’t this easy… if only others would have said things, only others would have hurt me, okay. I guess I could get over it, but I myself did the worst things in the end. I tortured myself, manipulated myself and it is still there, still a part of me. Otherwise I wouldn’t be so damn down all this time because I would just be happy because I finally have all the time in the world, right? And yet, I can’t enjoy it most of the time because I think I did it wrong… but I followed my soul. What have I done to myself… why did I torture myself into a broken bag of water?

It is strange to be this way, one side knows that there is just wounder and magic, while the other part always says: “It is wrong, there is nothing, you are wrong, get real.” But I know this is not who I was as a kid, how I was like, when I was younger. If this seems like attention seeking or fitting in, then I will stop to write because it is actually the opposite. I never fit into anything, not really. I just applied masks to the current situation and then I lost myself in them sometimes. Not knowing what was a mask, what was a problem, what did I do, what did others, what is real and what is fake?
I just know, that I was a happy, open kid and I loved everyone.

Now the soul which survived, still is like that, but it is not always present and wasn’t most of the time. Should I just go all-in and forget about everything else, everyone else and then jump if it was all wrong after all?
What should go wrong, right? Can’t be worse than that. I mean my broken part even wants to be in hell, just to know that there is no hope to get better, but then I know that hell could mean, being reborn on earth and relive the same shit again or just something like that, so that even this could be hell, this right now. Because I know, it can’t be heaven. Therefor, I don’t think about what comes after death that much because it can’t be worse than what I think. It could only be like the things I already thought about and therefor we create our own hell. Even if it should be beyond from what I thought about or just black darkness, nothing at all. I thought about it all.

How should it suprise me? My hell would be heaven, but I wouldn’t trust it. So even heaven would be hell for me, when I am like this. Only with my soul I know what is right and wrong, only with it I can feel and be empathic. Without I am just a narcistic asshole without any love or hope. I would probably even kill something or someone at some point, if I would stay like this. Luckily, I found my soul again. Maybe it can recover, fix what I and others broke during these two decades.

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