Day 39 (late evening)

I just wanted to stop the child benefit (around 200€) payments because they were only granted for student and apprenticeship time as far as I know. But instead of just giving a document to fill out, they added that they would need documents to for reason and prove of the end of my apprenticeship and possible need for child benefit… at worst I would need to ask my boss for some paper. But I already sent them the cancellation agreement. I hate these document lovers..

I just wanted to end the payments, so that at worst I don’t get problems and it was natural for me to stop them. And now they stopped them but want documents… why I mean I do them a favor because they don’t have to pay…….

And the bank also didn’t send me my documents for online banking yet and I submitted my data on Saturday I think. All I need is a code to activate it… thanks for nothing. And if they should (for whatever reason) have sent it to the flat or whereelse, I guess I will eat a sponge or something. Because so far I always got my bank documents to my real home address.

And the language learning platform is almost begging me to finally start learning russian. I mean I first got a february discount chance 28% off. Then when it was over they extended it until 2nd March with 31% discount and now again with 40% discount until tomorrow. I mean how? Why? The hell? And I can’t start because I don’t have this fucking token code from the bank…

I really appreciate your effort and loyalty, but I don’t know whether I will really be able to get on a stable level. I am down again as you might noticed and the time between when I just feel good and have no need for porn is decreasing again. All these shitty things to handle and some of them did my mother, some of them did I, but why are there so many bullshit things to handle, especially when I just want to quit it all… This is like “You don’t want to give me money. I don’t want your money. And now I have to get documents to approve this statement?”

It really is easier, if I would just be dead because then most things would be solved. A dead man can’t get money, right? No, I know this is bullshit as well, what leads me to the good old asylum problem / question.

Or just starting to live in some forest until I either starve, get sick or die eventually because of that or cold or maybe even a boar attack. Dreams and hopes of a broken mind. Oh ehm I shouldn’t write this here… sorry.

Wow WHO warns that bank notes could spread virus.
No shit, I mean almost every surface could hold a virus.
Are people stupid or am I stupid? If you touch something while you are sick, it is of course possible that you will place some infection cells on whatever you touched. This is how it works (if it is this kind of virus / bacteria and it is. If this should hint to not use bank notes, well then I would say, don’t use anything. Go inside and die. Are people really this stupid? … man I gotta go.

To much knowledge and too much wisdom kills you, I can tell.
And in the end it drives you insane, I can tell.
Not meaning I know everything, I know enough, but I know enough to know that I should stay here, but not when I am broken. When I am positive the world needs me, when I am broken the world feeds me, but in the end I should go. The help of the world is temporary, the help of the universe is universal and always, but I don’t accept it because I am too hopeless already. On my own I will only destroy every chance I get. I know why, I know how to stop it, but I don’t see the reason, don’t see the hope for it, when I am done and down. I only see, that there is no reason to live, to die or just survive.

There is no reason for it all, so why should I stay? Maybe when I die, I would come back anyways, or I am in hell or I am just not here. Who knows for sure, maybe it depends on what you believe. What you believe is what you get? Then I will get the most horrible hell of all. I would be thrown in an environment like this, thinking I would be in the same place, but wouldn’t be. Therefor I could already be there, how should I know, right? So I could be in hell or just on earth and in the end, for me it is all the same.

I checked my emails and the bank sent me today an email asking whether they should send me the documents or if I maybe want to go there in person. Man… it took them three days to write me a short email. I just wanted the documents… I thought that they would just send them anyways (at least this is what was written on the page, when I submitted the data). Why has this all to be so complicated and taking so long… Everything takes so long in this document, certificate and approval driven world. I hate it, I hate it so much.

This is one thing which broke me. That I had to go to school and learn boring things or nothing at all, while at home I learned about quantum physics, programming, I just wrote poems in school or simply wanted to die.
And it wasn’t teenage depression. If it would have been that, I must have been in puberty since 8 years old or something like that. No it were many things together. And now I don’t think I can out of this cycle. For sure not alone because one part of me supports the cycle and at best I can block myself.

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