Day 38 (till morning)

For the track Primo angelo, vertitur in diaboli, nunc rumpitur, tunc vivit?:

– Isaiah 5:15
– Romans 8:5-15
– Colosenses 3:5-15
– Amos 5:15
– 2 Corinthians 5:1-15
– Nehemiah 5:15
– Luke 5:15

For the track Duo portione medicatur / Two doses:

– 1 Esdras 5:59
– Surah Al-Ma’idah [5:59]

For the track Milites sub stragulum / The soldiers, under the blanket:

– Job 40:6-41:34
– John 6:41
– Mark 6:41
– 2 Chronicles 6:41
– Luke 6:41

I already had some of the last ones I think.
And I didn’t read all of them yet.
It is quite alot. I am also asking myself, why I am still putting this out there, but then I am just doing it anyway. Maybe it has purpose, maybe not.
I sure find value in some of these more or less random combinations and orders. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Still it is always interesting on what will come up.

I never really watched this, maybe one episode randomly, but not really.
Maybe I should watch it at some point.

I just thought about the concept of good art and my role in it.
For me, I watched almost anything and I found something positive or at least a lesson in everything so far. Does this mean, everything has a reason to be? Does it mean, that only in my head it makes sense? Does it mean, that I should find a way, to actually measure this? For me as a little kid it was even a problem to throw a plush toy or images of happy cartoon characters on cereal packages in the trash or just on the floor. But I learned to do it, while I broke me. I always imagine that someone who created it put love in it or at least at some point there was someone who loved it, who thought about it in a good way and that with my act of throwing away or on the floor, I hit this person in the feelings / heart.

But after I learned how dead the world is and how painful in general, I just had to shut off this overempathy of mine, which brought me into a state of a robot. Sure I wasn’t never a total robot, but more a robot than a living creature. I even developed robotic thoughts like: “Temperature level high. Stress level high. Possible meltdown in 30 seconds. Evacuation process initiated.” or something like that. Sometimes just random numbers popped up and I tried to lose myself in this process of converting into a machine because feelings were just too much for me, too painful. In the two years of secondary school I often got home crying or I weeped at home at least. And I just had to find a way to make it easier, so this was one approach, next to the, I will make myself stupid and I don’t want to exist, or maybe it won’t be this way forever, while I don’t believed in it. Yep… just basic broken thoughts.

And now I think, that I could either almost be where I should have been in the first place or where I thought to be after a lot of bad things. One is good and one is bad. And while I believe that I can recover from all the nonsense and pain I recieved and created myself, I also know, that I won’t survive this alone. I can fight alone, but I can’t motivate myself all the time. The routines or new habits, like walking through the dark forest at night, writing in some kind of diary and even a strange and probably boring and simple book, are part of my fight, together with the music and images. But without the help of “the universe” or whatever gave me all these motivating and relateable things (maybe all just big data and illusion, but I don’t believe that, but I know how it might seem), I wouldn’t have survived this and I probably also wouldn’t have taken all these steps to change my life.

Some decisions were easier, some were too hard, but I got through many things the last months. Still it is painful way too often because inside is still the fear and the hate and the sadness from decades. Many other people went through worse and I would like to give them my life, but maybe this is what I have to do, just with my own life lived through me for them and as a peace bringer.

Altered Carbon also has a new season now. I will actually watch it when I am done the “The Break” season two, if nothing else will get my attention in the mean time.

I will go into bed now and listen to my latest track and maybe some other tracks of mine. I didn’t develop super powers yet, when it comes to visible things, but maybe I am a reciever and not an acting one. Maybe I could even recieve acting power in the end, but I probably won’t be able to call it mine. So far I can only say, that I recieve and that recieving might be my super power.

I listened to the track three times at least and to other tracks and then one of them got stopped in the middle. It sometimes happens, but it is still strange. I always ignored it because sometimes it stops becaues of loading. But then after I finished one of the tracks I just layed there a little when my computer just went on. It wasn’t my cat and it is three meteres from my bed. The computer was just not shutdown, just in energy save mode. So everything is out, but when you click or press a button it goes on. I am not sure about mouse movement, but in the past this didn’t work. So I can’t really tell, why it was on.

Another incident was some weeks ago. I was half awake, when I heard my keyboard clicking and heared my computer fans. But then I fell asleep again. When I woke up again, I first thought, it might have been a dream, but then I saw my computer on. It probably was the same, computer in standby. But maybe the last time it was the cat. This time I could be 100% sure it wasn’t the cat because the cat is still outside.

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