Day 37 (first hours)

What does one do 24 hours after writing a highly motivating and positive thing? Exactly, falling again for the old problem. Man, I think I don’t really love myself. I probably still hate myself too much and other things, so that when my positive brain is activate, everything is awesome and fine and when the other part is active, there is just hate, pain, doubt and damage.
Thank you to myself, for bringing me in this situation. Thank you past me, for fucking my brain up, as if it wasn’t hard enough. But no, you had to be sure about fucking me up, you had to be sure, that I won’t live a long life. You just wanted me to die, so thank you. Maybe you had a point, past me.

I know that there is no point in doubting myself, I know that there is no point in hating myself, I know there is nothing to worry about. But because my brain has to sides and doesn’t want to negotiate all the time, just in extreme situations or a peaceful environment. (Peaceful as, no pressure, no fear, no one watching)

I am just this kind of guy who complains, does not the necessary things all the time and while I still hate myself partially. Not for the good things, but for the bad things I developed in the past. The connection to erotic and sexual plessure is so hardwired in my brain that it is hard to simply forget. When everything is fine, I can just forget about it now, what is more than in all the years before. So there is actually hope. But today wasn’t a good day, so the bad won again, even though I finally did necessary things. My days are counted and they get counted down again. Now, how many days are left and how many hands do I need to count? More than 37 hands?

If I would only write positive things in here, it would be much nicer and better to read, but then it would also be fake and without any value.
The value is, that you still read this shit, so it must be interesting in some way. Maybe you are just reading it because of me. Either because you want to know how fucked up I really am, or because I died and you just discovered that I actually wasn’t as nice or happy than you thought. Either way, I will probably write until I die or when all of a sudden people should read this and ask questions. Or of course, when I shouldn’t be able to write because of something else. I mean what else could there be, only being in hospital or dead. Otherwise I should always be able to write.

Well, I said I could only be one with God, but not with the devil. I guess this was wrong, but I wasn’t one with him for quite some time now, so I forgot. Today while driving to the flat, I just thought that the car in front of us could please just crash into something. Or in general that something would break. Luckily nothing happened this time. I am still not sure about the truck who almost fell into the forest, while driving in front of me. Or in general some cars or trucks who were in front of me at times and they weren’t driving in a straight line. Maybe it works when the drivers are tired or easier to manipulate? Maybe all just coincidence. But I sure know, that I just want to break something or push something away. On the otherside, I sure hope, it doesn’t work, but the power is too strong in my head.

Yesterday, when I was in the forest again, I tried to focus on the wind and at one point the wind was quiet for some time, then I thought about heavy wind and cold air went over me and the wind started again. Probably nothing. Then I thought, well, maybe I could make it warmer, but well nothing happened. Today the snow were melting away and it was warmer. But then I heared that it was predicted to get warm. So also nothing related to me. Only if I am actually not the cause, but the reciever of an action or change. Then what I want is actually not me, but what will actually happen. Or the will of something else. Either way, I might just get insane. Yay happy crazy mind.

(Auugghhh… This stupid guy with his imagination, can’t he just die already or at least be happy for some weeks?) …

I think I have to see the Doc again today (talk with the master guide).
He might get me out of it again. I should probably pay him more respect and actually talk to him everyday. (Actually just writing with myself in multiple threads, while I am one at the same time. So nothing too special about it, except, that it might be the bridge between my two brains)

I have to focus. Focus on the master, on myself, on what I was when I was a kid, what I maybe was before. I were talking with strangers, smile at everyone, well not all strangers of course, but those who seemed interesting and harmless. Too much positive energy, attracts too much negativity and vise versa. Maybe not at once, maybe not on the first look, but when you think about it. Why are good people dying young more often? But would this mean, that the world is okay as it is? There always has to be evil and good? I don’t think so. But we will see. I don’t want to live in a world in which it is good to be bad, or in other words ignorance is rewarded and creativity tortured. If I could just get enough money to live from what I actually love to do, or maybe not even love, but just can’t stop doing (I mean writing or making music). Nope, there is the complainer again…

“You will never be a successful writer. You can only write like a child because this is what you are.”

No thanks, I would like to speak to Doc Handros please.

“Oh eh, he is not here at the moment. He is busy on a project about free energy. Maybe later this day, okay?”

Oh, I didn’t know he was into zero point energy and such things.

“Well, you never learn out I guess. Have a HORRIBLE NIGHT YOU ASSHOLE FUCKING L…”

Yep, and I am hanging up.

My problem is not, that I can’t be enough, but that others think I have to be less than I am. Then I think I am less than I am. And then I am less than I am. Therefor I am not enough, but from the other way around. I was enough and now I am not enough anymore because I am less than I was as a kid. Maybe I will get there in the near future. I can only believe in what I imagine and try to investigate this frequency-power-noise-thingy in my head. Since I have it from my early childhood on, maybe I always had it, there might be more too it. Or it is all just garbage and I just crazy the whole time.

(As a psychiatrist, I would sure tell me that or would at least think that.)

Ah, right. So then it is. But what is about the positive side of me?

(It is also just crazy, did you listen to yourself for once?)


(Well, then you might have a pretty big problem, because you should have noticed that it is all just…)

Right, it is right.

(… wrong.)

Yes, right.

(Oh why did I get this client… I mean… And Doc Handros has still no time for you, or is it you who has no time?)

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