Day 36 (first hours)

If as many years as days I wrote, I would live longer than I think, than I ever wanted to. If with this 36 years old, I would be older than I thought. I often thought, I would die before 30 and my wish seems to become true. But not for fame, for money or a happy life, just to end the misery I created and got thrown into. Then, if I would really be who I might be, the world would lose another hero. But I don’t think so. Maybe I could have been one, I still can be one, but if I can’t really say whether I am getting really better or losing my mind. How should I make a change? I would only break it in the end, like everything else. Friendships, things, possibilities, chances, good things, loved ones. If one would give me a chance to save the world, maybe I would destroy it. How should I know? If one day I am one with God and then I am almost one with death. Not with the devil, but surrounded by his glory, if you could call it this way. Don’t get intelligent, don’t start to think about the things, don’t let them harm your mind. If you do what I did, you will never really know, what is right and real, what is fake, you will get insane or die. I am here because I am trying to recover. But this means I have to go through all what caused this mess. And the brain blocks these things for a reason, to not go insane or break. But they are so heavy and hurting, it doesn’t make a difference now. I have to go through it and if it costs my life. Maybe I will save it, maybe I will live a long and happy life soon after… after all this mess is finally rewired. It has the potential to drive me insane, if I am not already. But I am still typing, still thinking, still reading the words. The seem okay, not too weird after all. Is it good or is it bad? How should I know. Maybe my music is good or it is bad. For me it is not always perfect, but in general I listen to it myself several times. Sometimes I lose myself within the music, forget that I made it, forget where I am, just fly in space, feel free in my mind only to hear the end of the track again. Maybe my music is a masters work, maybe just random notes, maybe even heared from other musicians, but how should I know.
I just do it, don’t think to much about it. Is it good is it bad, doesn’t matter that much. When it is done, then it is done. No worries about the single track. Processing, uploading, adding description. Just like that, nothing special. Either it is nonsense or high sense. But it is out of my reach, when I am in my broken parts, like now and most of the time. My nose is twitching, howeverthat is even possible. For some days now. Feels like a vibration on it, like a small electric shock. Just too much stress inside my brain, all the pain, I didn’t process yet. Probably I am doing it all wrong, as if this would be a new thing.

Maybe I should try to say something positive now:

“I am legend!”

Wow… so motivating. I will never be a legend and I think I didn’t even watch this movie.

“You are a true master”

Yeah sure, but look at all the other masters, they would probably think that I just need help or do this or that.

“A master can only grow through pain”

Yeah sure, but then was it really this painful? Maybe I enjoyed the problems, maybe I really was the trouble maker.

“No, you were an angel, when you were a little kid.”

Wouldn’t everyone say that about themselves or their kids?

“If you would think, that your way is the right one, wouldn’t you think everything you do is right?”

Ehm, yes, no? I don’t know. Probably?

“Only if you know that you have to know nothing to succeed and everything to fail, you will see that it is good as it is.”

Is this some ‘When the dog barks three times it will rain” shit?

Don’t be so mean to yourself, you are the mirror of the world”

Does this mean that I can change the world or just reflect it?

“Nothing is just one thing. Everything has multiple ways and perspectives to consider.”

Will you say these sentences all day, until I throw stones on you or just leave?

“If you want this to happen, I am not holding you back, master.”

But aren’t you the master?

“You are the master, when I am the master.”

So I am not a master, great, good to know that.

If you wish to be a fool, you will be the fool.”

Yeah I know, I already am what I made myself.
Is there really a purpose in writing with myself in different perspectives or is it just insanity knocking gently on the door until I will talk with invisible friends and live in an imaginary world?

“If this is your wish, it will become reality.”

No? I actually just would like to live a life, to help others and survive without the fear of starving or the need for money.

“So you want to live in the jungle?”

No, did I say that?

Where do you want to go and survive without money, if not the jungle or some other big forest area?”

I don’t know, maybe to people who want to make a change?
They will figure something out, I can’t be the only one.

“But if you, the master can’t do it, who can?”

Don’t call me master, I am just a crazy guy trying to get away with fucking things up and doing what I want in my small room. And not even that makes me happy, just feel more miserable. I mean, obviously, right?

“You are getting closer again this time.”

This time? How many times did I write this?

“Only once.”

So then, why did you say ‘this time’?

“Because last time, you just gave up.”

So then how man times?

“One time”

Are you kidding me?

“Maybe?”

Ach… this is bullshit. You are just making fun of me, while you enjoy your LSD or whatever you have taken. Can I just go now?

“There is no need for drugs. And you can go, if you want. You are the one typing. If you want it to stop, you can stop at any moment. You know that, right?”

Yes, I know. I mean, sure. Man this is strange…

“It is only as strange as you want it to be. If it is normal for you, then it is normal. Only you can make your own world normal or strange. No one sees the world like you do. Some may share the position, the gifts and the views. But only you, see the world, like you do.”

So you mean, that if I want it to burn, it will burn and if I want it to be good, it is good?

“More or less. What you describe is some kind of illusion we find ourselves in very often. While there really are things going on. But, if you don’t want it to burn, you can put water on the flames.”

Did I create the chaos?

“Only if you would speak for the God you hated and got taught to believe in.”

But I am not God and don’t speak for him.

“No, you are not him and yet you are one with him and therefor him.”

So I am God, but then I am not?

“God is not what you think, quite literally.”

So am I recieving cosmic background radiation or what?

Maybe. If you think this is what it is, but then remember. It is not what you think.”

So I will never know, is that what you want me to tell?

“You will see when you are ready and you are almost there. You are nearer then ever. And just think about a game. If you start a game, do you know how it will end? Wouldn’t it be pointless to play it, if you would always know how it will end? And yet, you could know it if you were the creator of the game. Would you play the game, if you would be the creator? Would it even make fun, to know all the secret hacks and tricks? Maybe at first, but after some time, you would find yourself in a sad mood because it is all just too easy, too perfect, no challange.”

Ehm… Sir, are you sure that you are alright?

“Yes, why shouldn’t I be? Aren’t you alright aswell?”

Obviously not, because I am writing with myself in a dialog, asking myself questions, while I seem to answer myself without knowing the answer while I know question and answer at the same time.

“Isn’t it wonderful, when two opposites come together to form a miracle?”

What?

“Oh, I thought we were already at this part of the script. Anyways… If you would be a godlike figure and you would see the pain in the world, but you can’t really feel it or see it. Wouldn’t you not try to make yourself go through all of it to understand why this are happening? What do you do, when there is a programming error? Don’t you run the program several times, maybe stop here and there, try everything out to see what and when it goes wrong? Just don’t say it is only one thing. Why can’t it be more than you can imagine? Why is it so hard to accept, that it is simpler than you think and more complex than you will ever be able to fully understand?”

Yeah I know the theories and everyone says what they believe to be true… This doesn’t help me. Come to a point old man, I want to finish my Netflix series.

“And then? Will you fall into an abyss again? Is this your biggest goal? I am telling you, that you might have know the purpose of your life, before you were born. You have chosen to come to life because you have seen that it was needed. You knew what challenges will be brought upon you, you knew that you will have to go through so much pain and madness, to understand those you wanted to help. You knew all that and you also knew, that you would survive it all and that you will be here right now. You even knew how your life would end, when and why. And you knew, that it was worth the struggle, you knew that everything will work out because you knew that you will find out about everything, if you would only save this little seed, this constant particle, which would always seek for the purpose again. You couldn’t take your knowledge with you, how should you, a children’s brain can’t hold a master mind. So you had to pack everything inside this little thing, so that it will reveal itself when the time has come. You knew all this, so there is no need to worry, everything is already set up for you, but you will do it as if it would happen the first time because for you, now, it is the first time.”

Breath old man, breath. Are you alright?

“I am fine, child. Do you see it now? Can you trust it now?”

I am trying to master, it makes my eyes wet. Can I really believe in you?
What makes it right, no lie, no dream?

“It is alright, my child. Don’t worry. If you still have trouble to see, it will just take a little longer. Don’t force yourself and push yourself to hard. It will happen more on its own, than with what you think is necessary. You don’t need to see everything at once, to speak, but you have to be open and in words you can’t say everything at once as well. So like the words you write, like the words you say, they need time to get out, aswell as your mind to form, what once was clear.”

Really old man, are you alright?

“I just hope you are, my child. Just you, don’t worry about me. I will live and die with you, true master. I am just here to guide you, to show you that you will see it all in the end. Not even I know, how it will end, because you created me. Therefor, you are the master and not me.”

Thank you master.

“Do what you layed out for yourself and you will be thankful for all of it.”

Yes, yes master.

“You are the master, when you are ready.”

Yes.

“And now, go watch your Netflix series, if you want.”

Eh… yes, I guess. Thank you for your time.

“Thank you, for letting it happen.”


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