Day 36 (until dawn)

I finished “I am not okay with this” and as I said, it was way too short.
After that I immediately got the next season for “The break” on the overview. Man, what is this? I know what it is from a generic psychological perspective and it isn’t good, not even thinking about a psychiatric perspective. But it is there. And if I can trust my “not broken part” which might not even be mine, I can do this in a good way. I can be more than I got taught, I always did more, did things different, when I was not pretending to be normal or when I wasn’t just broken and depressed. There are always multiple ways and in my case this is a good thing, so that I don’t have to force myself for one thing, but let them just be there and I automatically chose the path made for me. Despite what others say. Especially when they say it is wrong because I know, it will definitely be wrong, when I do what they did because I can’t do it this way and wasn’t meant for this.

Walking in the dark, is peaceful. Walking in light is painful.
Walking alone makes me feel whole and not alone,
walking with others often makes me feel alone.
When I don’t have to do anything, I am doing things,
when I have to do something, I am not doing it or just badly.
I believe that I could be good, while I also good be evil.
I know that I was good, but got evil.
I know that I can be good again, but what if the line between these things was crossed? What if, it is all the same now? This is not what I think, but I think, that the positions are changing. Not that they have ever been different, but now we finally see what it was all the time. Just from the other side. Therefor, am I just doing what the world does or am I doing what is right for me?

When I go in the dark forest, I find peace. So I don’t want to use darkness for rage, hate and anger, but for the opposite. To actually be a friend of darkness because darkness didn’t do a thing to me, only light did. But this also doesn’t mean that I am against the light. I see the light in the darkness and not the darkness as the answer. Only both together is the whole. Therefor the light in me, together with the darkness of the forest, forms a powerful unity. But only darkness, wouldn’t help me at all. This is why I feared the dark for so long because I only saw what was inside of my broken mind and what others told me, showed me. But I never thought about darkness as something good before. Just this unknown lightless space, not knowing where to go, what might be hiding in there.

But when I found out, that the dark forest is a mirror of my life, it was only logical, that the darkness was my friend because I hated to know, that my end would be after 50 years of work and pain. But this wasn’t my path. And darkness showed me that I can trust my own light to guide me, the night sky, the lights in the dark, the trees and my every move. To move with a strong step, no fear, no doubt, moving forward till I know I got, where I was heading. May it be a tree stumb, a bench, a stone or just an opening between some trees. To feel, to smell, to be one with the forest and with myself. I alone am still miserable, still broken and nearly dead. But it gets better, I often fall. But the more I fall, the more I am happy about it, when I can still cry or laugh and love, because I just fell again to stand up.

Before I couldn’t even try to think positive about it. I thought “Yeah, sure. As if your lives had been so horrible. You probably just made party until you realized, oh hey is there something more?” But no, some of them also went through hard times, even harder then mine. Still, it doesn’t mean that you have to shout at people to do something because in my case it lead to the opposite in most cases, I only made it worse because I thought, that it wasn’t meant for me. And it probably wasn’t meant for me because I had my own path, my own knowledge already and it was love, interest and peace, combined with some wisdom.

Everything with me is alright. It has to be the way it is now.
Not all I do might be right, but as long as I get to the end in synchronicity, this is all what matters (in memory of Assassin’s Creed).

Wait… wait… wait… (What?) Wait… what?!
Holy… the master is back. How, now, wow!

A miracle every day, a miracle every week, a miracle, always, everywhere.
What power thoughts can have.

I just realized while reading some beautiful comments, that this was indeed Assassins’s Creed and because someone posted a big ASCII Assassin’s Creed Symbol :O Man. Amazing. Breath taking how everything always seems to come together, on the right time, just on the spot. Sometimes even minutes, even seconds to perfectly fit together.