Day 34 (late evening)

Is is like hearing what I already know in a good way.
But with what I know, I have a problem. This problem still is trust because I broke my own trust, by lying to myself, by making everything I say wrong to be wrong, and forcing myself to be stupid because that is what I got told and I couldn’t live with the pain. I was to young to handle all of my knowledge and feelings, so I thought the others must be right. They weren’t struggling like me. In a different way maybe, but not like me. While I was too intelligent, I got too stupid to live. And the last months I starting trying to work on a recovery, to heal my brain damage, my soul damage and free my true feelings, especially love. When I was a kid, my main feeling was love towards anyone I encountered.

Therefor I knew more than what I learned later as a so called truth or way to live. I knew more as a kid, but from another perspective, I knew the important things in life, I knew how to live, I knew how to interact with people and I didn’t care about how I looked, how they looked, I was just there in the present moment, talking with them, smiling at them, greeting them, learning new things. Sure you could say, I am overinterpreting or even making up all of this. It is possible, but then aren’t we all making things up in some way? At least I try to really recreate what was in my past, to learn from it, not to just blame it. I blame it as well, sure. But it is a complicated process for me and my way of learning, of creation and processing data was always different. Why I got called stupid or maybe even a little retarded and for sure I was different, but it would have been better to negotiate with me, than to make me suffer. But I was either a shadow, a victim, a problem or a friend for some. But sometimes, I was just myself. Moments like this, moments like now.

And whatever you think, my past is important for me. And yes, I have to let go, but my process is different. I have to first understand every bit I still have to figure out, so that I can say, this is done now. You could say, well, but this is not helping you now. Then I might say, how do you know? It is my life and my way of life. Maybe if I would do it how you think I am doing it, it wouldn’t help me, I am sure about that, but my way is different, especially when you say it is not. Not because I am special or better, I am not, but different for sure.

So let my difference be and I let yours, that we both can see and learn from one another, not tell each other that we are the same or everything is normal. Sometimes nothing is normal and for me things were never really normal, I just had to label some things as normal because everyone called them this way, until I even called heavy physical pain in my stomach caused by gall stones normal. For me it never felt normal, but because others thought they would knew what I meant, based on my words, the said it is normal in some way, related to food. But they knew not much, only a fraction about how it really was. This all had to teach me lessons and it did, but to realize them, it takes time and an open mind. Just time, does nothing, it is how it is used, what makes the difference.

In a world with many answers, but nothing you could call as the one and only truth. How can we be sure that what we believe in, is true or wrong?
Maybe everything is true in some way, the same way it is wrong, as it is with Ying and Yang, a balance of mind, a balance of good and evil, a balance of energy. So if we know, that half of what we know, see and listen to, is wrong, we know half of it is true. This doesn’t mean that half of every sentence or speech is true or false. This doesn’t mean that half of what you as a single human being know is wrong or true. But it could be. It depends on how open you are for this. If you only search for numbers or percentages or want to somehow process all data to reveal truth without using your own mind, there is not much hope for you. If on the other hand you try to filter things based on certain rules, this is something else. What this means is, when you watch any movie, any TV series, Netflix, listen to music, to another human being, read a book, etc. everything you encounter, can have two sides. But not just like: “This person over there looks nice, but maybe he is a killer.” This could be true, but this is not the point. As I said, you will see, when you don’t force to, just being open to learn. I am not the best one in this, mainly because I have to deal with a lot of damage in my own head first, but I found out that things are indeed not just like we see them all the time. And if you don’t experienced the power of imagination and possibility on a higher level, this all sounds very pessimistic and maybe even crazy or totally wrong in some way. “Sure we know that people often show their real faces. And we also know that people lie sometimes. What a great realization. Finally you got it.” If you think, this is what I am talking about, you probably only understood the basics if even. This isn’t meant to be a judgement or to assault you, but to show you, that my words may seem simple or complicated, but that what you read, is not always what I meant, while the meaning still lays within the words, but it is easy for one and difficult for another. If I could write this down in a way, so that everyone would understand this the same way as I do, than I would be typing all day. I wouldn’t ever finish it because there would never be enough time to write nor read and maybe even words to explain and describe. When my broken part takes over, all of this seems strange, seems wrong and I want to delete it, but I know that there is more to it. And like now, I know what it is. It is relative, but still more solid than you might think and it is based on trust and peace. If I would want all the answers right now, I wouldn’t get any or be always disappointed about how long it takes and how little I get. But I don’t need all answers because I already have them. Maybe not inside me, but I can access them, whereever they are, when I need them. So there is no need to force anything. Some information I get in dreams, some in thoughts, some in movies, some in conversations (but I still struggle with talking alot, so less helpful atm) and from other people presenting their knowledge and ideas. I found out that many thoughts and feelings I have and had are not just mine or wrong and also learned things from another perspective I couldn’t think of yet. Mainly because it is difficult to imagine something you have no data about. So when I process my past, I actually try to heal it, try to learn from it and not just let it make me feel bad. It happens, when my broken part still gets it or when the chemicals in my mind aren’t positive enough. But the positive time, always makes it meaningful, makes it worth. My past was good as it was as well as to this present moment. My actions weren’t always good, other people’s actions weren’t always good, but without them I wouldn’t be able to come from heaven to hell, to find heaven again. If you don’t know why the apple falls down, how should you know that you might not just fly away into space when you just walk down the street? And even when you know, why the apple falls, you still don’t know, what is below your feet. How should you know, that the ground doesn’t suck you in or break up to spit out fire? How should we know? We just compare with others and what happened the day before, and the day before that and so on. And nowadays we collect data which does the same. In the end what is average or “normal” defines what is right or what is most likely to be the right answer. And then still, how should you know? If all is just energy, couldn’t this energy not just be transformed in some way, so that you fall several kilometeres down into the hot core of planet earth? It is not likely to happen, but is it impossible then? We are just walking on energy, while we are energy and we surround ourselves with energy. We could all just be a big pile of energy to power a nuclear power plant. How should we know? It is not likely to be this way and we have no information about it. So we don’t think it could be, and no I don’t think we are used in a nuclear powerplant which is bigger than the universe, but how should I know, right? If you don’t think about things which seem stupid or wrong, you will never find an answer for what you are searching for. Some of these things might already be explained or described, but still, it is always good to take a look yourself, to just understand how other people come to the conclusion that something is, how they tell you it is or might be. Otherwise we end up believing everything other people tell us, based on what other people told us and tell us. What would result in a total illusion and believe construction, without a real clue or understand of anything. In other words, you all could live in the matrix, live in a simulation or we all could even be in hell or somewhere, something else. But if you never question it, never think about it or at least let you stop because of it for a moment, you could be used by something or someone, while you believe you are free. How should you know, if you believe everything others told you to be true? Sometimes what they say is right, sometimes even they have no clue whether it really is right or wrong and sometimes they just lie to you. How should you know, if you are trained to believe everything someone else said, or wrote or created? If I just have enough money, I could also pay people to create things for me to convince people of things and prove it with complicated calculations, but no one really has a clue about it because they are forced to believe it, then their knowledge is limited. This doesn’t mean that this is how science works and shouldn’t be used as an example for a conspirecy or something like that. There are scientists who do wrong things, sometimes willingly, sometimes because they got paid for it and sometimes because they had to do it or else. But there are also good scientists out there which want to know, want to explore and reveal the secrets of the universe. Therefor, there is always a truth as well as a lie. Even in my words, you might find things to be right or true, but most of it could just be random, just be lies, just be what a crazy man writes. How should you know, how should I know? Would you believe me, if I would be a well known professor, guru, politician, doctor, or else? Would you? Because if you would just because of a title, than you are very like to be fooled. Just because someone has a title, doesn’t mean that they are talking the truth. They might know more about a topic than you, but they could also be wrong about it. But this kind of thinking could make you freak out because this would mean, who could you trust anymore? – Exactly.
Just don’t freak out, it is better than you think, it is more than you think and the good is there as well. Follow your love and good things you know yourself, which are inside of you. And you will know what you can trust and what not. But never ever take someone for the group they are in and the other way around. Each one can make a difference, be different, while a group could have one agenda, a single member, might try to do something different, maybe is even working against the group from within. So if you should fight against a member of a group, you know to be wrong, maybe you are wrong about the person you are fighting with. Just be open for more than just yes or no, right or wrong and good and evil. These simple things exist, but in reality they are way more complex.

As soon as I share information and I know someone else is reading, answering or just involved, even if they don’t really care, it creates something negative around what was beautiful when it was just in my mind. At first I thought it was just related to talking, but no I know it isn’t just that, but it is even stronger while talking. Just all of this is just possible because I know that no one is really reading it right now. Maybe soon or in between sometimes, but not with a direct answer or interaction involved.
So I could write and write, but there is nothing coming back. It is the fear of rejection, still part of my broken parts. I know that it is not just rejection because it is more the “Am I crazy or can I say what I say and not get locked away?” kind of fear of rejection. If I would know that just some things are maybe pretty crazy (what I know for sure), but in general I can still be a human to live and do things and also to really put value into the world and that I could live from it (get a little money or just food to live).

For the next track The unspoken wordS:

Mark 10:45
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”