Day 33 (until dawn)

I guess I am out of energy. I fell for porn again.
And my heart is not feeling good since a couple of days.
In the forest (where I went last night again), it just calmed again and also my brain and everything else. Of course not fully, but compared to how I went into the forest last night and how I came out, was very different.
I walked in while outside was wind and it started to snow around 5 AM.
My head felt like almost bursting and my heart almost went out. I actually were shaking again and it wasn’t the temperature. But after I entered the forest everything began to calm down. It wasn’t even as cold as it should be according to the wheather. This time I could see the road because it wasn’t as dark as the times before, but still dark outside. I also were sitting on two tree stumbs alongside the way for a while, but it felt (obviously) a little cold after some time. I took the same paths were I first went to a the bench next to the river, but I didn’t walk the whole path this time. At around 2/3 of the path I walked back. When I came out of the forest there was snow on the road. Just some centimeters if even, only on the surface. And when I entered the village again, it started to hurt again. Not like before, but still not good.

This said, I might really should go live in a forest somewhere. The tree sounds and fresh air and also that there aren’t humans (at least at night – usually), is really relaxing everything. My feelings, my brain and thoughts, my heart and so on. Just everything, really. And the fact, that I have almost not fear of darkness anymore, despite a situation in which I actually could fall over something or down a cliff, I didn’t see, this is also a good thing.
Just some months ago, my fear of actual darkness (no light surrounding me) even increased. So I mean my fear of darkness was never too extreme, but still not normal, especially when I feared a dark room in my flat or house or something. And now I even enjoy the absence of light. Maybe this is a bad thing, but when I am in the forest it is a good thing. And just in case I always have a flash light with me, but I really hate to use it because then everything looks spooky. (Ah what?) You heared me.

Maybe I will go there now again. But it is just not good how I feel this week and in general the past couple of weeks. While I now have no pressure becaues of the job I were doing, I also lack human contact. This is in the end almost the same, but still at the moment better than almost no contact plus a tone of stress. Still not good because for my depressive mood it is adding more negative thoughts because right now I am earning no money anymore and yeah while I know how I maybe could some with other things, I just can’t get myself motivated to do them because alone I am too pessimistic about them. It is like, as long as something works (even if it kills me slowly – getting faster), it is something, so I could say “Well, at least I earn my own money” or “At least, I don’t have to rely on other people’s work” or “I am not completely worthless (when it comes to money making)”. And now I can’t say that anymore because I don’t earn anything, instead maybe have to pay some things which I couldn’t cancel or haven’t managed to cancel yet.

When I am optimistic, I could still say “Well, I have a lot of skills and when I want something, I can do it.” And this is true, but then my pessimistic side wins with “but no one will care or find it” or “your skills aren’t special, everyone can do these things” what is of course partially a lie because maybe if they would spent time on these things they could, but then most of the time it just is too much time or too complicated for some people. So yeah… it is complicated. And still the pessimist wins because this side points on my current situation and then also on my mothers condition and comes to the result: “You are a failure.” while I know I am not, but this doesn’t matter to the main brain cycle (or whatever). So my brain goes into suicidal mode or let’s just say “I don’t want to exist” mode. Because the suicidal mode was last year and if I didn’t forget any event in my past, last year was the first time when I actually was about to end my life and over several months started to hurt myself again in several ways. For example breaking my heart by calming my body down, only to jump up and move fast (which, if you don’t know, can cause a heart attack). Or I even got a kitchen knife because I wanted to hurt myself with it, but luckily I didn’t really do much harm becaues I actually couldn’t really cut myself or anything. But I still had some injuries. All together, the worst time. Not actually the worst time I had, but before I blocked feelings while last year my feelings seem to wake up again. Pretty bad when there is alot of pain waiting to break free.

Anyways, it was of course a bad idea to hurt myself and all that, but this is nothing you want or have fun doing. It sometimes just happens or seems to be the only way, when you are in it. So no, it is not good, it is of course nothing you should continue and I am glad I could stop it before I got too much into it. But it were some months and I know some people fight with these things over years. My love is with you and it hurts that this is coming up more and more, as it seems. The lack of love and the lack of happiness, of (real) human connections and such things. I believe that most of these people (including me), would be doing fine or at least much better with other people around who either share similar feelings or experiences and together with some other people maybe, build something up. Like a camp or a commune. Of course people would get tasks, but nothing compared to the job market. I mean if all I would have to do, is collecting fire wood in a big forest. I would probably love to do that, compared to a job where all I get are stressing customers and strange meetings and a lot of parallel tasks with deadlines and so on. Of course I wouldn’t love to collect fire woods everyday. I mean it would also be work then, but nothing too complicated, only hard work maybe or just taking time. And I mean it depends on the fire as well and how big the forest is etc.

With all these people you could do so much more, beautiful things.
I mean, people who are hurt themselves might tend to understand other people better who experience the same or maybe worse. And while this not always has to be the case, but in my case, I just want to help other people, while I myself still have problems of this kind myself. On my own, this is probably not the best idea because in the long run, I would exhaust myself and probably end up dead. But in a group you could do that and also get new members. This would of course also get complex after some time, but it would need multiple camps maybe or something like that. What I am saying is. We always talk about saving the planet, but not much happens. If you take people who don’t want to live (only if they can get stable enough of course) and for example recreate a forest somewhere or even where none has been in a long time (e.g. in some areas in Africa), then we would solve two problems. We would have a strong community who would care for eachother and also feel good about doing something useful. Wouldn’t this be a great thing?

I mean if some people would still need some medication for example, okay, that could be a problem in Africa. But I mean, just thinking about it is amazing, while I know that theory and praxis aren’t the same. But wouldn’t this be a good idea? Many people don’t want to live because they feel worthless or they even get hated, hate themselves, have no love, get no love, maybe got abused or such things. Some people might just have some issues with physical or chemical damage in the brain and or heart even (could be part of my problem). But isn’t it always better for healing, when you are happy or at least you know that you have a place you can call home?

Whatever you think, I would really like to do something like that.
If something like that should already exist, I would like to hear about it.
I know there are some groups who are recreating forest and covert dry land into a green world, but I don’t know any who combine mental health care and in general care for eachother with saving the planet or something like that. In the same way, as everyone talks about climate change, but no one cares about much about hungry or sick people in Africa and other regions. “Someone else takes care of this. But the climate change!” … yeah sure, what a big deal. If we are all dead before the sun will burn us, what was it all for? And I mean, so far most of the climate change prevention was about taxes and building other energy sources, which in the end destroyed other things, like birds, fish or use resources from poor countries and bad work conditions. Well played… well played. In the end all just money making.
Not all of it, but most of it. While we could do so much better, really.
And I believe that some kind of atomic energy might be better, but not like the one we used for decades, including tones of radioactive waste, put into caves or worse to rot and maybe make the water radioactive, if any should flow through the caves at some point.

We first have to love ourselves, to truely love others. But it could also come together. So while I sometimes love myself, I can love everyone and even when I feel bad I can love people who suffer worse or like me. I love all the good things I can do and also the mistakes I do, when I could help someone else because of them. But if not, it is hard to love them and not all has to be loved because not all things are good, but the good things should always be loved. (Speaking to myself in mind as well.)

All I have to do, is love myself for what I value and can do for good:

  • I can see good things in anything (well maybe there are limits, but many things others might don’t even notice or only see in a bad way)
  • I can program in several programming languages and platforms from apps, to websites and even hardware and basic programs, small games and I can learn new things pretty fast if I want to learn it
  • I have love for everyone who needs love and maybe could now even forgive people I hated for years (including me)
  • I want to make this world a better place (even if it might just be a small change, for only a few people)
  • I can create big fantasy worlds inside my mind, for me and others
    (mainly in my childhood time, but also later)
  • I want to help other people and helped many people already, sometimes with school stuff, sometimes with things like cutting wood but mainly with computer related things)
  • People naturally like me most of the time
  • I am thankful for all my gifts and skills and good ideas
    (even if they are sometimes not too realistic maybe)
  • Despite my heart problem and what I had with the gall stones, my body is pretty strong (not my arms). I can walk very long without a break and also fought most sicknesses without much or any medication and I think I never broke anything so far

Well I never talked about all my problems with people and just started to last year. Some of it came out here and there, but not all together like last year, from which some things are included here. This is not about me, wanting a reward for having had a painful life, no… this would only make it worse, as if I would have to be that way or something. No I just had to write these things down for myself, to process them and to actually help myself to get out of it step by step. Some days seemed like a step forward, some like a step backward, but I managed to walk forward over time. First walking forward made me feel worse and worse, which almost ended in a suicide, but after that point I got better. I could stop watching porn for a long time, I stopped harming myself for the most part and I felt alive for the first time in years maybe in a decade. Like really doing progress, really starting to get better. And after that point I fell down some times again and like today, I fell into the porn trap again, but it is fine. It happens, I will get away from it. I already managed to stop it by myself for some weeks in a row. I don’t even remember when the last time was, but probably more than a week if not two (maybe I am wrong), doesn’t matter. This is to motivate me. And while I also go down sometimes, it all is connected to the things around me. I am trying to get over these things, so that I can focus on my good sides. And it seems to work, when I follow my gut feeling.

Maybe I will delete all this, when I am at a state in which I feel stable or at least good enough to say, I don’t need it anymore or at least not like this.
But right now I am glad that almost no one found this, maybe one or two people, but only for one post maybe or by accident. So yeah, I don’t know if everyone will read this. But yeah, I am having radical ups and downs, several problems and I don’t like it. I even hate to write about it because it makes me seem and feel as if I would make this up or just want attention.
This is just my kind of therapy and well it probably was a bad idea to make this public. As I said, I am glad no one really found this so far except for the one I trust and already wrote to about these things. Therapists and doctors failed me, so I had to find another way and yeah talking face to face never was my strength. Only if it would be a topic like a game or something else, which was not about myself or people things.

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