Day 33 (late night)

Made my eyes wet and even almost cry.
But it is good to being able to cry. I am so thankful for it that I now can feel more intense. It is also dangerous because pain also can drive me crazy. Before I didn’t feel much and couldn’t only cry when there was a pretty heavy story and I wasn’t prepared for it. But now it is so much better, now that I can finally let out tears and smiles which are real. And this Sunny is a good example for it.

No one expected me to be depressed, when I first talked about it a little, except for my mom because she was around with me and so she knew that I could get pretty down. Emotions are good, but sometimes it seems as if you have to hold everything back because otherwise how would the people react to it. But this is bullshit. Expressing feelings and emotions is a good thing, well it depends, but if it is about crying and laughing and just being honest to others and yourself, being free to feel is important.

Otherwise we might get robots if we don’t have enough space to feel good and free, or zombies or worse. Deep people, like sensitive people, have a taugh time, when noone seems to understand them and they have nothing to make them feel okay with how they are. A sensitive person is most likely to be unnoticed because they wear masks or hide away completely, to avoid bad things. At worst, it might kill them because they feel everything more intense, than other people. It is easy to say, everything will be fine, but if there is nothing to prove it, it feels like a lie, while it shouldn’t be one. But you never know, whether it will get better or worse or just stay like this for years. This is, why it is so painful because otherwise you would know, that it might only last some years until the opposite comes out, pure joy and love maybe. If only we could give these things to everyone who struggles, who feels like death is the best option.

Even I still have to fight with this to this day. I am fighting for my life, like literally. But my situation is not as worse as others and I just hope that those who feel worse and have a worse situation, can get some love or something to hold on, what makes them want to fight. My fight is more like “I want to live” and next day “I want to die, but actually live” next day “I am happy”, but “I don’t think it will work” and so on. And no it is not special, it is not funny, I don’t enjoy that. I just want to be in a state in which I could say everyday “You aren’t too well, but you will go through it. Look on all good things you have and can be thankful for!”. If it would be this easy man.

I mean things just stress me very heavy, even videos sometimes or comments or games. I mean things, which shouldn’t affect me because they have nothing to do with me or should actually make me feel better. But I somehow can get stressed by everything. And then there are days when everything seems to calm me down or sometimes all together. Whatever it is complicated. I think I will find a way throughout the year. And then we will see. Maybe the world looks different then. I just have to survive another year and maybe enjoy my birthday for the first time in years.

I can’t remember when I actually really enjoyed my birthday. Probably the last time I invited my two good friends again. But even then not all was good because we seemed to annoy the neighbours (it was late and we were talking around a fire till late night) and I just had been in the clinic before to calm down. Yeah… but at least this was a birthday I enjoyed for the most part. Was it my 17th? Hm, I don’t know and my 18th birthday was just nothing, but the day after one of my friends remembered and wanted to come over, so we spent the day watching some series and had a good time.

But well yeah and after that and even some birthdays before those two I did nothing. I didn’t even want any gifts or something. It actually was like a deadline for me or a death day, one year longer on this shitty planet in my fucked up life. I hope I will never go there again, not like this. I was just dead inside for so many years, while in the first years of secondary school I could at least cry about bad things, later on I just couldn’t even when I wanted to. I am so glad, that I can cry again and actually be happy about things. Often with tears as well because when the feeling of love overcomes me, I just have to weep and smile at the same time because there is so much emotion in it, so much relief, joy and pain which finally got out.

Each time I can cry, I am thankful for it. Maybe it sounds weird, but if you couldn’t cry in years or only at very rare and pretty have things I didn’t expect, it is so good to just be able to cry about little things and also love things and laugh full of joy. It is difficult to understand, if it is normal for someone to always feel things normally or none at all. But when I now feel (almost the whole time), it is intense, be it pain, joy, love, whatever. Only some physical pain might still be broken, but maybe there is even something wrong with my nervers / sensors in some areas of my body. Wouldn’t suprise me because when I almost died from the gall stone the doctors said, when I pointed on the most hurting position, that it actually should be somewhere else. But everything can heal, this is what I believe. Okay well a lost arm is maybe a taugh one, I must admit, but you know what I mean, right?

Wow, what a great speech. Two minds. Actually what I was writing about a while ago, without knowing that it actually was this because I had no one to talk about it.

This really supports my believe that our evolution might be like unpacking a very very very compressed data package. I mean I already had seen people creating AI to first compress data in some way in which some parts of it would later miss only to use another AI to reinterpret these things to make it almost look like the original, while the actual compressed data didn’t look like it, maybe in a very pixelated way. I mean this was just a simple small picture compress and uncompress thing (I still didn’t try this myself, but it isn’t too hard I would say). I also tried to develop my own data compression methods with more or less success, but it taught me alot.

So this said, if God created us (whatever God is, let’s name it universe in here). So the universe created us and while some people might already unreaveled / unpacked their full potential or at least a whole lot of it, most other simply stood in their “I see light, I go see light, a light burning, dead” state. And then we have people who can’t understand how someone can live like that, but then they have to suffer from other things because of it, then the “simple” people make their lives hard.

It is easy to become rich, but hard to be honest.
(I don’t know if this is a quote or my word, I don’t know this most of the time, but hey still true I would say.)

If you just take money from others, you don’t need much brain for that, if you don’t feel sorry for them or maybe even “burn” their money in stockmarket gambling, yeah it is easy to become rich. You just need to know some other people and so on. And in the end a bunch of monkeys call themselves rulers of the world. (Please, I am sorry monkeys, you don’t deserve this.)

What I am saying. If we really are over generations, over centuries unpacking our full potential, than everything about legends might be true. Everything in the way, that for sure some things might have been added to make it look cooler, but the main story is still true. Or that it might even tell a different story, but still is true. Just because we don’t see it now, doesn’t mean it is or was a lie. And there we are talking about Jesus again. Whoever he really was, even if he really just was a man like us, with a pure soul and good heart, but nothing no one could be like. Then he simply had a default sense for the right things, for love, kindness and peace. So if even he would have been no godlike figure, he sure had power. And maybe this power could be used by all of us, sadly because this means that evil could use it aswell. Some call it magic, some call it energy, some call it whatever you want. But I believe that there is more to it. Even if it should be something in relation with technology created man someone, it would still be magic in the eyes of children. And we are children because we know nothing, especially when we grow older. Only some, as the man said, who learn, who become wise and kind, they know. But many just burn their heads or let them get burned. Who should judge about it, how should they know. But those who know, have to help and show those who can’t see it yet, to see aswell. Even if it should be just a small fraction of what is possible.

Now comes one of my favorite, if not the most favorite series of all time: I just say: “Stargate”. Because this series really has it all, like literally. From magic, to ancient aliens, ancient humans, old legends, old gods, spiritual awakening, space and time, life questions, comedy, drama, love, friendship, dystopy and utopy, heaven and hell, … (enter everything).

As a kid it changed my world view and it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. While I still had to trust in it because as a kid I didn’t fully understand these things yet, it started when I was in elementary school. But a lot of trauma, pain, bullying, more pain, dead inside and good days in between. I now can see that it might be like a bible itself (and yes, there is also the bible in this one, of course it is).

Stargate
=> The Almanac which changed my life while I didn’t even notice it at first

Man am I thankful for this series, but sadly almost no one seems to know about it these days. Mainly because it got stopped because in the later development some fans didn’t like it anymore (at least that is what I found out) and also the publisher company got sold, so the new owners had no interest in it anymore. And so since 2011 not much has happened. There was a short series relesed just some years ago, but it had no way the quality of the other three series and movies, especially those from the first and original series. It actually was my family and still is part of it. These memories fill my heart with joy. Despite some of the terrifiying monsters, but well, what is a good sci-fi series without some terrifying monsters, right? 😀