Day 32 (late night)

We really should care more for each other and meet each other.
Loneliness is the worst and causes so many mental problems and broken souls. Feeling lonely in a crowd is bad, but than in the end not even having a crowd is even worse.

Sometimes problems might be physically, sometimes caused by traumatic events or what else, you name it. But everything can be fixed to a point where you can live. For that we need love and other people, especially when we think no one loves us or we don’t deserve love.

So mental problems are sometimes worse, sometimes less, but yeah I guess a brain scan can tell a lot and also love can do much. Real love for each other, care for each other, not what is sold as love most of the time.

And damn… I am pretty isolated myself because of all the shit and problems I have. But, yeah I am writing here each day or just add videos to a list of things which I got recommended or found more or less random.

I guess all what I did to myself and what is wrong with me to this point, is making my heart condition even worse. Today I couldn’t sleep, not because I felt good, but because my heart hurt so badly the whole day, that I only got some hours here and there where I just somehow felt asleep. I think this little boy ain’t doing it like this for a long time. So yep, I should definitely go see a doctor soon. I only fear to get a basic answer again, as all the years before and I never told the whole story, no matter what it was. I don’t know why, but I just can’t because of fear because of the past and maybe even because my brain blocks off because of all the stress I have with other people I don’t fully trust. I found some people who I could trust with many things, but in the end I always broke the connection. I have one friend left and I have a very deep connection to him. But I am not sure how long it will last, in my case, I would wish it would last forever (as long as we live on this earth at least).

But well, it is hard to reach out for help elsewhere, when each time (even when I almost died because of that gallstone), no one seemed to see how I really felt. I was either still smiling or whatever and didn’t scream our gave any painful sounds, so they took their time. “Can’t be that serious if he is still walking and smiling, right?” Oh man… At least one nurse took my case serious and I even heared her misunderstanding someone and thought that they said I might have cancer, but they were taking about something food and stuff and it just sounded in hear ears like something else. I just heared that while I was in the bed. So yeah, this nurse really wanted me to be well again. I mean the people there were all not ignorant or something, but they just saw what they wanted to see. And well I guess that is normal. Like “she didn’t scream or say no while she got raped, maybe it wasn’t that bad” … yeah sure. Not all people can stand up for themselves or maybe not anymore because of things which happened.

When I first wanted to talk about my heart problems with my old doc, he just talked it off as being normal my age, because I was growing. Well, but I didn’t tell him that I had these for years and since I was 5 or something, at least before I got to school. So how should he know, right? But I just couldn’t tell it. I never really spoke about my problems in a way that someone could see the whole image. But did I, there were others who said, “it can’t be that bad” or things like that. And yeah, well then you close up even more. Man this is fucked up. I hope I can recover from this, but I doubt that it would work without other people.

Maybe I should really go and do something like visiting people who might don’t get visited by anyone. If this is possible somehow… I don’t know. Or just something like that. There is no way, that I can recover in this more or less isolated state I am in. When I was with other people who also had problems I felt better, they all seemed to feel better. Maybe because of me, maybe because we all just wanted to be happy. (When I was in a convalescent home / clinic). Most problems were gone. Not all, but most of them. I felt save and was happy to be with the other people. But now…

This world is just making me sick and all what happened to me and others because of this. I am glad for everyone who got out of misery and who themselves made some to help where help is needed. We don’t need more economy growth, we don’t need faster industries. We need to save lives people. And with those lives, the rest might come, but for the people, not for the industries. Or we just go on some island and live there in peace. Who knows.