Day 31 (until dawn)

It took me 1-2 hours because I wanted it to be perfect (but well still crappy) and now I have what I wanted and I must say, it sure was interesting. I even got sentences sometimes, was a little scary. Maybe I should check the code again. 😀 But yeah. Cool thing. Maybe I should combine it with colors some time later, like generating a painting out of it or music maybe. Music would be possible because I mean the number of keys is not too high and I don’t use many special characters, so yeah, why not. We will see.

And now I might go to the toilet. After that maybe some poetry or the book, as well as some more music.

In my case I also didn’t want to talk about things because people didn’t really think it was that bad and also in general didn’t take me to serious or listen. And well, yeah I was pretty messed up (still am, but not as much as before). So even when I reached out for help, the help wasn’t helping only making it worse because then I tried to convince the therapist that I am normal and it worked… wow… what a help. Great talking, or not talking… So yeah, these things scare you away from getting help or reaching out because you feel misunderstood or in my case everyone thought I was fine because I acted as if I were fine (wearing several layers of masks). I hope that it is getting better, now that I am at least helping myself in some way. Probably not the best way, but the only I could do and feel good about it in some way. Going to a doctor even is like a problem as well as meeting other people, not all people, but people I don’t want to be with or not in the way, situation. And because other people always say “We all have problems, but we don’t talk about them.” and such things, this feeling that reaching out for help might be even stupid or just not really helping intensifies. In my case it really proved to be right, but at least I learned something through it and not all was bad, but the thing itself didn’t help me at all. Help can come in different ways, for me it was when I started to be open to things and sadly an almost suicide attempt, stopped by myself when it was almost too late.
So yeah, I had no fun the during these years, only some good days.
Many things played a role in it, but mainly the fact, that I started to manipulate myself because other people did hurt me, physical and mainly with words. As I said, pure horror and I don’t wish anyone to get through such a thing or even worse. But sadly there are many people out there who really suffer from these things, like myself. And it is a shame, that we lack to help them because we always just assume things or the people who should help them. This brain scan man summed it up in a good way, but sadly there are still too many therapists out there or other people, who just think talking helps… Sometimes maybe, but sometimes it might be a tumor, a physical damage or other things. In these cases you could talk all day and take some pills for whatever, without any use and maybe even making it worse. Good job… so we should start to make it easy and in a good way, a natural thing to just scan the brain or maybe just give people a chance to change their environment. I had a 6 weeks break together with other people. Some also needed mental help, others just had to cure a physical damage and so on. But just the time with these people was so refreshing, that I don’t regret it. Only that it didn’t help with the main problems. But if I would be in a different environment, with other people, I would probably be happier because I really was, at least more than before. Still just a temporary thing, but it showed me that I can do better in a better environment.

And yep, we should definitely go out into the woods more often or just into nature in general. This is my goal. And I mean I am not sure how serious the developer of PokemonGo was, but he also wanted to achieve this. Sadly with a game without much impact. Don’t get me wrong, it probably had an impact for some time, but not long and it also wasn’t that great. (Gets hate from all veteran PokemonGo players) I didn’t even play it because my phone was too old for it. xD (PokemonGo players are waiting outside) O_O

No just kidding. So yeah, I don’t want to make a game, nor just another social media platform. These things suck… really. Not always, but in general.
I would want to create an app to act like a game for real life, to make life a game, to connect people along the way, through actual meetings, help groups, people who want to really just hang out with someone. (But we already have such apps), if you say so. I don’t think so, but we will see.

My goal would be to create something in which people could add of course their own ideas in some way and overall get hope and love, just healthy love for oneanother, no dating, nothing like that. Just to find a soulmate, to maybe do something cool and good for others, to just make your life easier or more fun in some way.

For example some quests: “Go outside for at least 30 minutes and walk.” or “Talk to a stranger.” or “Work 30 minutes on something you love to do, but never find time for.”, things like that and maybe even things like “Rock the forest” (with a little more details). Just things to make you want to actually do something and things which could actually make you feel better. Things you might even thought about, like: “Meet in the nearby forest with some other people and make music.” I mean who would just do that. I would have never done such a thing before, but now I am walking through a dark forest. Sure there have to be some safety rules because as always, not all people are nice. But then, what does it help when some people still aren’t nice, but people are dying because they feel alone, misunderstood or simply don’t get the help they actually needed, whether it be from a medical or just general thing. Often it is just a lack of love, which makes people sick or an overload of hate and damaging things.

But good company could fix many things and what is beyond that, could then be cared about. Just not the other way around. I mean, would you want to be happy if you think everyone hates you anyways and then maybe you even get the wrong medication, maybe you don’t need any or different one. Wouldn’t it be horrible? Some people live this… and this is horrible.
All these labels as well, as if you are no human anymore when you have some serious mental illnesses, like schizophrenia or bipolar. These are all still humans and they want to feel loved, even if they might say they want to be hated, real love goes beyond that. And sure, it is not easy too cure something like that sometimes, but good company, people who really support you and love you for your soul and not for what is wrong with you, can help a lot with that. As well as music and other things like that. Medication may be needed sometimes, but only that is not enough because the main reason is a lack of real love or understanding and such things.

Maybe one task could be, “Sign up for a brain scan together with a stranger”. And who knows… But yeah I know… all probably a bad idea and I shouldn’t play with fire. I know, okay.

But considering that many people play games today, some people see or even call life a game and that with good company life actually could be like a game, why not make it a game? But not in a “I am getting rich!” kind of way or “everything is just a joke” or even worse “Is this GTA?”, if you know what I mean… No a serious approach to make everyones lives better in some way. And there will be people who want to help and people who need help and things to do. If people are too scared to could at first just do things at home, just write or maybe talk via phone or something until they feel comfortable enough to meet people outside somewhere. Forcing things is never good and scares people away (I know what I am talking about, trust me). It depends on the situation, I should say. But better than leaving all the people hopeless, helpless and overall alone.

I might not be the best one for this task, maybe the worst because I myself still have a lot of problems. But yes, there has to be something like this and if there already should be something like this, tell me, please. I would like to know more about it. Maybe I could talk with them. I only know about the No Isolation company so far.

I really would want to make this app and I know I can’t do it alone, but then I am not sure whether I could get any help because everyone is busy or has no idea on how to do such a thing. While it could be easier than they think. I might just need company. But just alone, I would probably not finish it because I couldn’t get myself to push it through. The main reason would be because I don’t think it would be right or in the way I would want it to be.
Still I believe I could do it. I just need some help with it.

So yeah, well because I can say yes to most of these things, it is very likely that I really half a bipolar disorder. The thing is, that it is difficult for me to say whether I am worse or better than last year and whether it started when I was a kid or later. But I had a lot of reason on why it happened. Partially it is in the family and then I got enough triggers from outside. So yeah, there you have it. A perfect misery.

The problem is, that I don’t trust in the mental health system because in my case so far I got ignored because they just wanted to see what they thought. And well, I knew that I might have a mental illness for many years now, but because of all what happened with doctors, that they never took me serious or thought it would be something else… I lost trust. Just looking in my brain might have helped or at least something else than talking. Talking is a problem for me. That is why I am writing.

So now what do I do with it? I can’t go to doctors around here because they probably can’t help me with it in a way I would want to get help.
As I said, if I could be sure that some medication could help me with it, then sure, why not. But if I would have to talk with someone, no way. I would talk with someone I would want to talk with or just write like now. But talking with a stranger who doesn’t really care about me or just sits there so I say something… it didn’t help so far. In my case I figured out most things myself, but well if it should be a chemical imbalance (possible), then okay give me some pills for it. But I know what music makes me feel good, I know what makes me feel bad (e.g. what I am listening to right now probably isn’t the best to make me feel good).

So walking in the forest was good. But could also be considered as a bad thing. And yet, it is what I needed and helped me to calm and feel normal, as weird as it is. And each time I was in the forest it felt good, not bad or too good, just free and happy, as if nothing was wrong. So if I should then get refused to go there because they consider it as dangerous, then well how should I want to get help, if what helps would get blocked? And I sense that this might could happen. So if I could just take some medicine and maybe go for some check ups, for blood test and short talk, okay. But not a full talking session.

There is no point in that. I mean when people who don’t get labeled do strange things, it is cool or just well just okay. But if a labeled one does the same, it might be seen as inaproproate or dangerous. Why, if it really helps and other do it as well? And I mean I was never interested in drugs or alcohol, I even can’t stand the taste of it. A basic defense because it actually is harmful in several ways. Drugs as well, I never had interest in any. My only problem was masturbation, but I managed to get rid of it. While it did fall back often, but with longer pauses in between and without much problems in the mean time.

So yeah isn’t this a good thing? But if I would have to do everything in a different way, then I might lose hope completely. So there is a fear because I already had many misunderstandings and problem in my past. Because of that, I have a basic fear against any psychological thing and even general medicine. While I am glad for any doc who really helped me, there were also enough who didn’t or many times where I even forced to not go to the doctor because I feared to get a harmless answer again, while I knew it wasn’t it, but I could talk about it.

The last time I almost died and needed a surgery later, but I went to the doctor, but because he didn’t expected it to be this bad I couldn’t tell the whole story it was hopeless. The next time I went to a different doc and had an acute problem with stuck gallstone, so there wasn’t much explaination needed. Almost died from it and some time later the gall got removed.

I refused to go to a doctor because last time I got told to not eat too much and well I also thought it might be the problem, what partially was the case, but I actually didn’t eat that much compared to others. Anyways, I just thought that it would go a away, it always stopped at some point (when the gallstone went through, but I didn’t know that back then). So I stayed at home while I still had my winter vacations. But on the third day after not being able to drink nor eat, just spitting out everything soon after consuming, I felt like dying and already head a tunnel vision. Then we went to a doctor and after some waiting time and me having hellish pain while waiting, the doctor immediately send us to the hospital with a possible damage to the pancreas and something like that.

And yeah well it was pretty bad, but then in the hospital I of course had to wait as well, so I had to go to the toilet at one point, where the stone had left me. After that point I was just so happy, that the hellish pain was gone, that everything else was less important for me. And because of that no one realised that I had nothing to drink for at least one day nor food and also not much sleep. I must have look so calm and good from the outside, that they took a long time searching for the problem and in the end I had to stay and walk to my room alone, while I had no idea where I should go. They just left me there standing and after a short time some of the walked by again and explained it to me again.

Then I just go into an elevator with one of these things where you put infusions on. Man I don’t know how I didn’t fall flat with that thing, but somehow I managed to get to the room and then I just wanted to sleep and sleep. So you know, I have a reason to be scared or at least not trust in doctors and such things. Not because they can’t do a good job or something like that. I am glad that I had such good doctors in the hospital later on, when they knew what the problem was. But the whole process was pretty fucked up.

And yes, I simply can’t tell people simple things and if so, they probably misunderstand me. So then I might just say “yes” to whatever they suggest, what never really helped of course. And because I have seen many cases of mental illnesses (my family included) which didn’t really work out well because of wrong diagnoses or possible mistreatment and also from other people I have met or heared of, that my fear is not for nor reason.

Around where I live or at least from all the people I know around here, there is still this strange view on mental illess as being a permanent mark or something you don’t talk about and even worse, what you just want to avoid if you can. So yeah, good luck getting happy when you are already down and then get labeled, so you can get even worse, while it actually should help you. Thanks for nothing……

I should probably just move somewhere else and then get to talk to some good doctors together with some people I can trust, so that I don’t feel too much of a problem. Around here someone with mental illness is a problem, as far as I have noticed and well my father also is and was for me. Thanks dad… but if someone could have given him the right medicine and maybe some good things to rely on, not strange religous ideas… maybe he could have been a happy dad. But nope… and so my chances were also pretty limited when I was alone with him because my mom had to go to work.
As I already mentioned at some point, it was all programmed, all inenevitable. And when my mother got away from him because she couldn’t stand his crazy behaviour and she herself just got out of her own problems partially, I was just around 2 years old I think. But then no one seemed to understand her, why she actually went away from her husband and he siblings and other relatives tried to convince her to go back. They all didn’t know… and maybe this way I could have been saved from my current situation. But then after some time we went back again only to move out again 7 or 8 years later when I got 10. And still just to the nearby town, so just some kilometers away. This way my father often visited us… I was just completely confused about everything because well my family was always strange, so I just saw that others weren’t as strange, but I considered it as more or less normal. And there also wasn’t much I could do. I even wanted to stay with my friends… bad decision because now I have no contact with them at all. My best friend saw me probably the last time 4 years ago. And I don’t even have most of the numbers nor any other contact like email, while some even live in the same village as me. Ah and yes, after 9 years I got more or less talked into moving into the house I got from my grandpa after he died. And the house is next to my father’s house, so yeah… happy me.
And of course the people all say: “Then you don’t have to pay for a flat and can do what you want.” etc. … little do they know. But yeah the house was already empty 2 years at that point and I finished the technical school I went to, so yeah. Wohoo. And now I am still here, waiting for death.
But I actually want to live a real life, while I never really had one. Only in my early years when I could go in the forest alone or play with friends, either outside somewhere or computer games and such things. But because of all the bad conditions and my environment and people simply not getting the situation, I broke more and more. Adding up mobbing and other things, adding a shitty school system, which in my case was at least a little better in the beginning, but yeah, I lost it at some point. There was no hope anymore.
And now that I tried to finally look after myself, I might get into something which will end up as a misunderstanding again or even support my bad conditions, while it should help. So what should I do? (Go to a therapist dude.) Yeah, thanks for that… I hate talking… (Take some pills) For what? If I won’t be able to work or do something useful according to my current environment? What for? And then look, I made music, I wrote, I started to process all of this. But if I would now go to a psychiatrist, from my experience it will all just get worse again. So please, get me out of here and maybe get me some pills, but don’t force me into something when I know that will most likely not make it better but actually worse.
As I said, I am not against people helping me or helping others, but if it is just a protocol thing, then I don’t want to be a part of it. And if it would end up just being a “you have to survive no matter what, but well your mother will continue suffering and you as well” kind of situation, I don’t need this help. I already helped myself so far, thanks.

The question is, can I get my brain to work properly, when I continue my journey I am doing right now? Or will I just end up totally fucked up… I mean as soon as you have a label (I actually labeled myself, but because all symptoms are there and I compared with other people, so yeah I see parallels), life is over around here.

So there might be more people like me, who don’t want to get help, maybe even for the same reasons. If I would know that there would just be nice people who really just want to make it as easy and best they can and who really care for me and my future, I would of course do it. But then, how should I know when in most cases all went wrong and even ended up making it worse. (Not only with mental problems, but also physical problems like heart problems and my gall and so on) How should I trust in any of these after all what happened? It is hard, but with someone else who I could trust, I would maybe do it. But not with my mother because she is already so done after all what happened to herself and me and all of it together. My family is a mental graveyard…

So yeah I didn’t continue my book, I just wrote here again.
Maybe it at least could serve a purpose to wake people up and make the future generations more open to it and handle it better what the old never really did and if so, not in a good way. When I think about being a guy with a mental disorder, I feel less human, more like a monster and a problem for normal humans. While I actually would just love to do good things and help others. And then I am also an introvert. Very bad conditions all together, while so far I managed to get through secondary school, a technical school for three years and then even an apprentaceship, until I just didn’t finish it when all I had to do was the final exam. But I just couldn’t do it any longer, the damage was too big and the pain too high because it was not good that at the same time I tried to open up and finally love myself and feel again, while the heaviest thing was right in front of me. So I just couldn’t do it and I won’t do it. You could say, I might regret it later, maybe, but then I hated the idea of doing this job any time longer, so it was the only and best decision for my mental health and my soul and my heart.

People say this, people say that and in the end I will just be wrong again.
They will say, it is just an illusion, you are just thinking this because of your mental state… and maybe they are right, but then what about all these people believing in religions or things like open mind, spirit, the universe? Are they all crazy? – No of course not, but they don’t have a label. Ah right… So when I have a label, I have to think what the system wants me to think, but when I don’t have a label, I can do what I want, even if it would probably be the same? Great world we live in… Do you understand what I mean?

And well, if you think I should delete all of this, in case I trust you and you really care, I would delete all of this. I don’t want this to cause more problems. But well I also don’t want treatment, if all I could do, live a normal life. Then I rather don’t want to live at all. Why is it so difficult to say what you mean? Because I would love to live a life in which I could do what I actually want, but I never really could and I had to hide things or do things in secret (e.g. watching TV at my grandfathers house because my father was against TV’s). Then when I wanted to be a writer or something like that, I got told it is no job to rely on and we already have enough artists, so also no music. All what was left, was something with IT because I taught myself how to program, how to fix several computer problems and I even could help some online friends with their problems and got people interested into programming or game modding. But then for what?

Only to end up as a wornout, broken soul I was since I was little because all of what was. Did I have a chance? Was there really ever a chance for me, to get out of this alive, without getting broken? I don’t think so and therefor, I only want to move on, when I could be sure that I would have my freedom. If not, then I don’t want to live on. No freedom, no life. And I had not enough freedom my whole life for several reasons, while from the outside all seemed good… oh little did they know. At least now I can pretty sure that I might have a serious issue, what I always knew, but during the last years I figured out it might be bipolar or something like that. And now I am pretty sure it is that. So yeah… how happy I am… wohoo.

*starts crying inside because feelings seem blocked again for the moment*

Thank you for going through all of this or at least offering help while you also could feel better. I hope you could handle this, if not, I am sorry.
Let this be a lesson or maybe some hope, if you can see hope within all of this. I sure can, but only when I am not in this toxic environment, without my past always in front of me, like literally. And it even speaks… my dad and my mom and these houses and the neighbours and all of this fucking hell. Man I need to get out of here, but I don’t think I can do this like this.
And I don’t want any medication and especially no talks, when I know that I can treat myself the best. But I just need time for it and nowadays we don’t have time, I suppose… work, work, work, money, money, money, suicide, death, heart attack. Welcome in the future… oh couldn’t I just die from a heart attack or the gallstone problem? Would have been easier for all. Really.

I mean I was ready to go, but well then I just didn’t die, coooool…. shit. If I only could heal the way I know I can, the way I feel to be able to, I would probably heal and feel whole all the time. But no, probably don’t get this. And I doomed myself, when I started to manipulate myself. I added more hell to the hell I was in. “The brain thinks you like pain.” Well, or maybe I thought the pain would make it end faster. I mean when I already had thoughts about dying with the age of 8 because of my life and the future ahead of me, as a working drone. I knew what would come and it came I made it even worse, but I just wanted to die before this point. While parallel to it in good times or at good days I learned programming and such things.

Would I only made problems, you could say, okay kid, life is not for you. But I actually made more than others my age and thought about many things in a good way. Why is it important to follow a protocol, when I don’t need a protocol, maybe just a pill or something. Or maybe not even that, just some time to heal and overall a new environment without my past or any connection to it. If that is not all, I sure would take medications. But man… why… why does it all have to be the way it is, with these strange protocols, rules and plans, when they additionally cause problems because they in some way force things. And if forced things harmed you in the past, you hate them for good reasons. Or am I completely wrong here by now?

So yeah, I only have these:

  • Doing it my way (maybe with medication), free to do what makes me feel good and what I can do to make me feel good
  • Dying (because I will never be able to be the way I would want to be)
  • Completely give up and just get filled up with medications and probably end up in a closed institution or something like that
  • Continue like this (while I get myself to think positive)
  • Let others decide, forcing me to wear my mask again and give up

I personally like the first one most, but because it is very unlikely to be the way I would want it to be, with the second last. And then dying because it would solve many problems at once, whatever happens with me, while of course it would also hurt, but better like this than living several decades in a more or less dead state, just to breath, eat and sleep. Because if I would gave up, it would be just like that and also due to the medication maybe, if I would get something to calm me down. Whatever. I would always preffer the best for me, but I don’t think I will get it because of laws and rules, so yeah, fuck it I guess. And no, I don’t really want to be dead, if I would know I could really live. But if all I get will be what I already had, than thanks man, but I am out.

If only I could, if only I could… change the past, change myself right now.
While I can’t change the past, I believe I can change myself. But not just like that. Two decades or mental torture aren’t easy to cure, especially when I never really was able to have really healthy and save environment. I still know how it should be, how it could be, but it isn’t. So I know what I would want and need, but it is not possible it seems. While others just do something and then it is better for them. But they probably had not my life.
(Man and I always thought others had a tough time. Looking on all of this really makes my life seem like hell. But then I always knew at felt this way, if I wasn’t escaping it through books, movies, games, programming and so on. If only I could get help the way I want it, the way I need it. I am here, but I am not sure whether I every really was really here. Just with the writing I showed the first time who I really am, what I couldn’t all these years.
Where is the line between mental illness, a personality, a genius and an average human? Well they are all the same. Cool… No of course not, but sometimes it seems this way and then I don’t know why all of this several approaches help or don’t help and we still do them all, while some people might only needed some love and trust… Everyone says something different and in the end, if you can’t decide which one you should trust and you can’t make your own thing or if you do, people call you crazy. And if you can’t stand up for yourself and prove them wrong, you are crazy. Therefor I will end up crazy, no matter what, or what? Is this my story? A nice boy who wanted to be normal, while he actually might have been a genius, got broken and then ended up dead after several years in a closed institution? I don’t think so, but all dots point in this direction or towards suicide because a life the way I would feel good about it, is not granted for me, is it? Some say yes, some say no. I say… yo, let’s go. Or just continue writing.

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