Day 31 (first hours)

Well, a month passed and it might seem, there was no progress, reading my recent posts, but actually I made a lot of progress. But progress in my case needed me to fall back, fall down very often. I had to go through many things and rethink my past, in a way, that it all was somehow perfect, while still a horror. In other words, if my past would have been a nice fairy tale, I would probably life a normal life now, maybe work in a good paid job and so on. But I wouldn’t think much about other people and about other ways. I would probably be in some Christian church and maybe even a choir and do what people do, I guess.

So I must be thankful for this horrible trip because thanks to it, I didn’t get trap in a lie or at least a way, not meant for me, not meant for a true soul, if I can even call myself that after all I did to myself and also some other people. Wasn’t much, but still not good and for me it was horror as I said. And I mean I was almost afraid of the dark, even just until some weeks or maybe months ago. Now look at me, I already walked several times through a forest at night without a light. Well I had one in the pocket, just in case, but it was never necessary.

If you would have told me, that I would do that, just a year ago, I would have said: “No way! Way too creepy and dangerous.” But now I just go in there as if it is almost nothing. I just have to be careful here and there, so that I don’t fall into a hole or something, but I am getting used to it. My next challenge is to not just walk through the forest and sit on some benches, but actually just lay down somewhere in the forest for a while, just listening to the trees, the wind and maybe some forest animals. Each time I entered the forest I could hear more animals. The first couple of times the forest just seemed need, literally no sound for hours.

I am still pretty sure, that my brain has some critical damage (obviously after over ten years of psychological torture and other problems), but nothing which can’t be fixed. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing, I guess. Or at least not like this. I would probably write more like this:

Someone in the wall

There is someone in the wall.
Someone in the wall.
there is someone down the hall,
I am trapped here, let me fall.

There is someone in the wall,
a dark figure, pretty tall,
one night alone I got a call,
it was him, the man in the wall.

– J.SYS

Wait… I guess this is not good? Is it?
Nah, probably just random poetry, which had to get out.

(What people do, when they just want to hint on something… they suddenly write a small poem just like that.)

Yep, that’s me. Just writing things like this, even if it might me total bullshit or not interesting nor special at all. Just because it happens.

I watched the Let’s Play I posted yesterday and finished it to the current episode #5. And yeah I like the story so far. I guess I will buy it, just to support. And now I should continue my book or maybe write some more poetry? I just feel like it. Oh and I wounder what the “average” word extractor might generate out of all what I have written until today. I probably have to write another program to extract all of this in an easy way first. (Too many things I want to do right now) Why not do all? – Not enough power. Hm I guess I should start with the program maybe? Because I programmed almost nothing the whole time and just wrote alot already. So yeah, probably a good idea.

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