Day 30 (noon – afternoon)

The thing if, if I would know for sure, that there won’t be anything to change the future and all will go down, why should I stay for it? You could say, well then just party all day, if it is going down anyway, but I am not into parties. You could say, then travel the world, but well I have seen what I wanted to see and the other things well, I don’t need to see it all. You could say, well but what about the others? Yes… but if I would just be a burden with my “I am not doing helpful things” mood, I won’t be good company. So yeah, why should it be a big problem. As long as I am just talking with someone or only share some time, it might be a loss, sure. But if they would have to live with me all day, it might be easier without me. I know that there are good days and I had good days, but the problems won’t go away with them. So what should I say, I wouldn’t stay for people, if I would know it goes down anyways. I would probably just leave. But then, isn’t this the case? On the other hand I would want to stay to at least try out things and explore what my body might be able to do, my mind and musles. But well then for what, if I wouldn’t change the end? Can you really be sure about the worlds end? I just don’t want to be seen as a good one, when I clearly didn’t do much good. Maybe more than others, but way too less than I could have done. So well, and only because I could do or do some things, while I don’t do useful things most of the time, doesn’t mean I am that useful in this world. Leaving is no solution or option in a way, but it is just the only hope I would have, when we could know, that there is no future, no good change at last, when it is all lost and the world burns down finally… For what should I stay? I am not helping, I don’t want to make it worse, there is simply no space. Then I could just do small changes for the better and then it would just feel like – I saved you from getting hit by a truck only that you get hit by a lightning strike.

Can you even think positive these days? Well, only if you stand for something or just for example go into a forest and simply live there, despite any laws or especially what others think. Then it would at least serve a purpose, I guess. But here I am only writing, writing, making music and putting out what I recieve. Is it helpful? Is it good? Maybe it is the opposite of good and I am just doing something I shouldn’t have done because it might all be pointless.
(Well, you just need some help and you will see, all will be better.)
Sure Doc, sure…
(You can’t save the world, but you can save yourself.)
Wow, cool… so “just like everyone else”?
(Yeah, isn’t this natural?)
Then I am unnatural.
(Just talk about it and maybe get some medication and it will be alright.)
Okay and who will take care of the other problems?
(Well, there are other people out there. You can’t solve every problem.)
Yep… just like everyone else. Great. Good talking Doc, hope I don’t see you again. Have a nice day.
(See you next time.)
I said: I HOPE I DON’T SEE YOU AGAIN!
(Easy man, come down.)
I am down…
(Ehm…)

In my case, I nothing special, I am nothing important, I am not here to do any good, I am not here to help you, I am not here to leave a trace, I mean sure something, but not worth noticing. I am only another grave, another name on a paper. If only I would know, that if would be worth to fight. I could just follow the mission to love, but I am the worst for this job. Well okay, not the worst, but I have it all within me, while I can’t really show it, let it out. All I can, is feeling things – now – and writing, making music, maybe make some strange programs. I could do much more of course.

And then I am just here, on the old story, always broken, forever(?)
I know there is help and I know, I don’t want it, if all it would be for, to let me survive in a world I don’t want to live in. Then better die for a cause or just … like that. I know I would want to live and I know what this all looks like, a mess, a sick guy who needs help, yes I know. But as I said, if it would only leave me medicated in a state without being really here nor there, just somewhere, then it wouldn’t help anyone. I don’t want to stay alive to be a burden for others, even when I really can help someone with something, it doesn’t get the necessary things done, does it? And I don’t have or want money to pay someone else to do it for me, but well at least then I would only be a problem in a way, that I would be rich, doing nothing… until I would be poor eventually. Sorry for writing things like this over and over again. Well you probably don’t read all of this, but if you should have read, I hope you don’t get sucked in by it or just overloaded. You should leave, if it should be this way, for your own safety. Otherwise you can continue reading of course. How should I stop you from reading, I can only stop writing, maybe forever, just because of me and the world and how I can’t be sure about anything and that I am a problem, while I have problems and man… I know the answers and so on.

Good man, but as I said, most of my problems are caused by myself, my own self manipulation with which I sucessfully made myself to what I wanted to be, well not exactly, but in some way. Only that it didn’t really work, so that I am not trapped inside a broken system I created. Sure I didn’t want that when I was young, I started it, when I got hurt physically and overall in my soul with mean words and behaviour, so that I thought I couldn’t be who I was, so I could only force myself to be what they call me and maybe die alongside the way. I am the main factor for my problems and while the soul now that it is free, wants to live, the body wants to die and the soul also wants to die, if the only purpose for it to be still alive is to do what is not good for it. So I know exactly what I have here, but I can only fight or take a direction, if I would know, that I don’t cause just more bad or pain for others. Ultimative pain, might be the worst for the others, but for me year long damage by myself to me and others is nothing I want to live for. And I know I want to really live, but at the moment it doesn’t look like it. It just looks like a guy who doesn’t want to clean his room or make his laundry and maybe that is all what I am… and therefor just a resource waster, in a time in which resources are or at least should be valued.

It always feel like, no matter what I do, it will always be seen as wrong.
People write about politics: Cool, go for it.
I write about politics: You? Who are you… you can’t even live your own life.
People write about life: Wow, they know so much
I write about life: You haven’t even lived, how should you young one know…
People talk about how to save the environment: Yeah, so many great ideas
I talk about the environment: Wow, another one who thinks he is special.

Okay then…
People kill themselves: Why? There was so much more they could have done. What a talent lost.
I kill myself: Well, he might have had some good intentions, but may he rest now, poor lost soul. Such a good boy.

I want to make something new what already was done by someone else:
Don’t reinvent the wheel
Others reinvent the wheel: Look, they did such a cool thing

And when I finally for once stand for myself, I am literally wrong. Even if I might could be right, but I get talked into wrong and sometimes I am just wrong then. So I better just die, before all is wrong. At least you have or had something to read, right? – Sorry…

When I try to explain how things could work, but it doesn’t matter. Do we want to all burn or do we at least want to try? I am probably the one who deserves the shot in the back. I am not the one with the island. I am the one who gets beaten dead by the very people he thought speaking for. I am the one who thought it was good what he did, while he created a misery for others. Therefor, I can’t live and I know I could do something about it, but for what, if there is nothing I could fight for because what I do will be wrong anyways? If only my life could save another. I would even live as a soul next to one who got my lungs for example. But well, would probably also bed for them because my negative energy and presence could make them feel bad, especially when I am physically a part of them. Nah, better nothing left to save, than a save fairy tale, while it actually all is shit.

It will be hard they said, but it will get easier they said.
And I just made it ten times more difficult for me because I actually wanted to break me, so I could either die or just do what they want, to work, to live for working. But it didn’t really work because it just broke me, but to a point where I got evil, mad or just disappointing, while I could also just still be normal. And I can be happy, can feel in the forest. But here like this, in this house, in this world like this, it does not work, it never worked. So I either go live in some forest or die to not be a problem.

I should probably put a disclaimer on this page:
POTENTIAL CRITICAL CONTENT – PARENTAL ADVISOR – IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS YOURSELF, DON’T DO WHAT I DO, ONLY IF IT FEELS GOOD

Or something like this… While the music alone would probably okay together with the other videos… while I would personally like them to be all englisch, but yeah…

It is harder now because now I feel at least more than before and it is pretty painful. But also good, when I see good things or sad things, so that I can weep and smile. Still it is harder… and if I do something it turns out wrong because that is what I made myself – a “wronger”.

I am worse than the others. I know many things, but still do wrong. I am like the devil in some way. I know that I had enough and have it all, but well not really I guess, and then I turned it all in to be like those I didn’t want to be, so that I would be just like everyone else and now I am worse, I am not like them, not really like me, not the good one. Just the one who knows too much and yet does the wrong, who might seem to know nothing at all. Be the last one for hundred years. Should have died in the first world war and maybe I did, each time, to just do it again, to end up dead in this place yet again, without anything good leaving behind. Like a game, in which I just want to lose, to lose. When I was almost winning. When I could also just have played with myself. Please, give me the bullet, so that I might rest, but tell me next time, to trust in what I feel and think and not what others tell me, can you? So that I might not end up like this again. Maybe it could be a negative example at least, like: “Look kids, don’t do it like this stupid maggot. He had a wounderful soul and spirit, good intention and believes, but he wanted to fit in and got hurt alot, so he lost all his good, to end up dead. Let this be a lesson kids. Okay now let’s walk over to Stalin, another great tragic figure…”

How would you know you are the first, when everyone tells you it is wrong and you then don’t do it? But you also might be just crazy, while everyone else seems crazy too, but it is okay. You are just a little too crazy. As if there would be a competition on how crazy is okay and what is enough. And in the end, all I say is wrong and you are right, but I am still going to die just like that… For what? For death… Man I should just write songs and not this bullshit… but then I won’t sing them, would I? I only tried one, but I am not very comfortable with it, still it is out there.

Let’s face it, this music is beautiful and the world will turn without me. I mean would be strange otherwise. And without me, maybe I will be reborn, maybe I will go somewhere else… I know too much to not do what I want to do. So this is even driving me nearer to it. All these years I wanted to be dead, but I never really forced it and now I reached the critical level once. Who should say, I can’t a second time?

For what am I fighting if according to some, all is alright how it is, we can’t do anything. And well, then it will go as it always went. It will end and probably reborn. For what? To do it all again… For a suffer game… For hate and fame… To drive us crazy, all for the moment in time, not existing always present, never important, please let this… Yeah okay, wearing my mask didn’t really work in the last weeks. So when I was happy I was and when I was down (probably most of the time) I was… and often both on a single day, even changing multiple times. But I will just put the mask on and feel even more pain now, that I feel the needles and sharp metal on my skin. I have to do it because I have to sacrifice myself and die through a heart attack or something. Yeah okay, I will throw it all away… even farther.

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