Day 30 (morning)

Well, I tried to sleep, but I just couldn’t sleep at all. I just layed there in bed for some hours, thinking and feeling and thinking, about a lot of things.

I thought about a world in which machines would do all the work and we could just do whatever we want and if it is some sort of work. But we would do it with joy and love and not for profit or pure survival.

I also thought about Jesus and my own perspective on him and how I would categorize myself within the political spectrum for example.
So I would say, that I am probably on a radical left. But I also understand the people on the radical right, the people in the middle and where ever are some in between. I understand them in some way. I can’t say for sure that I understand everything because I can only go from what I feel and recieved, processed and thought about all of these. I would also not consider myself as a radical left in the way the media would see it or in a way many radical left people act. I am against violence be it left or right, be it for good or bad. But well, I can’t ban violence or simply make it vanish, I would if I could. I just understand what the communist approach was in theory (not the praxis) and what other left people want. Because Jesus was also in some way left. He went against the powers in his time, the so called wise ones. He did things like sharing food with some hundred people, talked to the poor, the people no one liked, so that even some followers thought, how could he talk with those, people who took money from others, who had many men and such things. He even called himself son of God, but that we all are God’s children. Would you call him conservative when you look at nowadays politics? I sure you wouldn’t because I think he would walk away from those who put their image and strict laws over real love and other humans.
I can’t speak for Jesus and maybe I am wrong with this, but I just don’t see Jesus there. I see him talking to all people, but not representing a political way, especially not on the right. So this way I would see him and me on a radical left, while for me this means love and no violence and with love freedom for all and peace for all. And of course it wouldn’t work just like this, but this is the problem. We are so used to the running systems, that we can’t consider a different approach and if some do or tell they want to do something different, it ends worse most of the time (e.g. communism in praxis). Everyone has to accepted and loved and not only those who support something. Otherwise you aren’t better at any before.

I also had this frequency again. It sometimes is like waves on a shore only in an energetic way. And often when I have this, I can think clearly about things, but also think alot. Which leaves me sleepless like now.
I just thought about activating it again and it is active again. It is just my brain pulsating or something like that, but as I said I have this since I was little. And I am not sure whether anyone else has something like that.

And here is what I heared after I decided to listen to some things again.

Maybe I can sleep now, that I wrote down a fraction of what I actually thought about.

What a sacrifice he gave. Don’t let this soul’s death be pointless. I wish he would be still alive. But nothing can change that now. So at least his testamony, his work of art, of soul, let it spread and grow, that no soul has to be sacrificed again. Not like this. And I know, that still many good souls die.

But well, I am not doing much. I should have done so much more, I had so many chances. I didn’t take them, not really. I sometimes even refused willingly. When there was a man without a car who just bought some bags full of things for his family, he walked out of the shop. And my mother knew him, one of the immigrants who live in the village. And walked the other way. I just stood there and when my mother said, that he might walk with these some kilometers home, she wanted to walk after him. And also did that, but I just thought or even said, that she should let him go (already was out of sight walking up some stairs). This was only a year ago maybe. And it was just that I didn’t want to walk after him. If he would have walked in our direction (what I thought, would have been logical), we could have just asked him. The man then told her, that he would have brought it to a friend of him and would go somewhere else first. But we still brought his things home, while he went to someone else. At another point in time I asked my mother whether she could buy a big christmas brezel for a man sitting on the street. She did it and the man was very happy about it and my mother told me later that she had seen the guy who sold some hot drinks walking over to him as well, giving him something to drink. It is complicated… But deep down I sure want to help, but after all what happened to me, I have a lot of problems inside. After the past months I feel better in many ways, while in others it is worse. But it is normal, when you consider, that I couldn’t feel much in a long time. Only several layers of physical pain, as if the soul damage wasn’t enough. So now maybe, I can be the one I was when I was a kid and even greater. But if not, please just let me go because I don’t want to just be a talking or in my case, writing guy who writes about all the things one could do and should do, while himself he is just sitting in his chair. Well okay I sometimes help people, even if it stressed me out. But still, I could have done more and if I should only live, to stay alive, wasting resources to work for money, to waste even more resources, just to die without having a real life nor what I actually wanted, I better die now, than in a couple of decades. And I wasted a lot of resources: My health, my time, my mothers time and health, and well I shower pretty often and long with warm water, so yeah, what I cool guy… I would call myself a hypocrite, but then it would also be wrong because I am not just talking, I mean it. I am just to broken to do what I mean most of the time. Maybe you understand it, and yes. If I could be sure, that going to a dictator, knowing I would die, would bring a positive change, I would do it. Just tell me where, how and when. If the only thing to do, would be go there and say what I say and then probably die for it, I would do it. Better die like this, than just because I can’t stand all of this anymore, while I know it could be better, at least in some way.

It is right, that I am not just my past. But my past defyse me in some way and shaped me. Without it, I wouldn’t be who I am now. It sure wasn’t a great story, but it was mine and it was horrible, while I also had many good days, still broken inside and evil sometimes. I think, if you can understand the devil, you can understand a lot. One who had all, but wanted more. One who wants to get as many with him into the flames, for what he done himself.

And I believe, if you could not at least try to think about forgiving the worst enemy (if the devil is the worst), then how should you forgive at all? This doesn’t mean, that the devil necessarily wants forgiveness, nor that it would be easy. But if he would want to (what is very unlikely, but who knows), you should be able to forgive. Even if it would just be for yourself. Because if a mass murderer, for example a general or soldier who commited war crimes would come to you and ask for forgiveness, could you forgive him, could you love him, if he would be honest about it?

I don’t know… it would be difficult, but compared to the devil… If you know what I mean. What one did, can’t be undone, but there could come so much better, when there is love and forgiveness. But if there is no love, no forgiveness, how should one get better, do good things instead, when all he gets for his realization and shame is hate? This would mean, that every criminal, every “bad” person, would be marked for ever and has no chance for a change, for a turn for better. But this is not the case, so don’t act like it.

The biggest enemy, could become your biggest ally, if you could teach them a lesson through your way of life and love.

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