Day 30 (first hours)

Computers are really ready now, I packed them up and wrote a letter which should explain everything I did and what is what. I also wrote them that they are ready now. I hope I can bring them over tomorrow or they come and get them, so that it finally is done.

And I am glad I bought some LAN cables for long range, they were just long enough so that I could connect them with my computer. Because I had only one WLAN stick around and they would need one. So until I can get a new one in the next days, I could still continue. 🙂 It was all planned in some way, but I just didn’t really see it and I just trusted that it will be right. I hope I don’t regret everything. Just a year ago, I didn’t really write. I just wrote small things, maybe one or two pages in months and then I would just put it in a box or throw it away. Maybe this will be the worst for me, but I had to do it. And it is what is in my mind, so it wouldn’t change a thing, only that others won’t know much about me really. Like all these years before…

I went through some older posts and sadly some YouTube videos were deleted or put on private or something like that. Well, I hope it weren’t too much and not some of the most important ones, while of course all is in some way unique and important for this in some way. Well, maybe I should add at least a title or a comment for some videos, but I think it is good as it is until I will do it differently or something else. 🙂

Wow, that is so cool and such a good message I believe in myself. Imperfection is the actual perfection, the beauty we want, but didn’t know we want it because we think we want perfection.

If I could give all my skills, my energy and what I know, to someone else, who just need something to start with, a chance where no was given. Take it, take my life and make it yours. If I could swap, I would. A soul in Africa or maybe China, maybe South America, a lost soul here or there, everywhere. If only I could give my life, so you could use it, while I will get yours. But it doesn’t work like this, does it? So I am still here, writing, thinking feeling all of this, I can only hope that my love will somehow help, myself and you and others like us. If not, than why did I get all of this? It is like a castle full of weapons and treasure, but I am sitting in it, sad and confused, broken and almost dead. What is it worth, if no one uses all of it for good? What is it worth… just another lost soul in a lost time, soon forgotten, soon away, to be never seen again. Just a ruin, robbed and burned, nothing left, just stones and ashes.

If we would just think or feel for other people more, in a good way, as a helping hand, as a whatever we could do for them. But instead most of the time, we only focus on our own lives or we only focus on others and forget ourselves, so we aren’t feeling human anymore, just like machines, serving the others. It should be some kind of harmony, we give love, get love, help others and get help, no worries, no shame, just peace and freedom.

This reminded me of some mathematicians telling, that they don’t care much about grades as long as you love to work with numbers and would even take you with an below average or average math grade. And yeah, it is all about what you love and like and what interests you. Our brain changes over time anyways and then all the grades from school are worth nothing anyways. So why do we even have them? It should be more about, what does one want and what interests them, not how good are some numbers in some random tests about partially old questions no one really cares about anymore or at least not in the way they are tested and taught. If someone who learns all day can fail, while one who doesn’t learn at all, just wins. The system is not working because shouldn’t there always be a learning process involved and shouldn’t this process be valued and the effort, not just an hour or so, after one year of hard work or no work at all?

Hero… this man really talks about the problems in such a kind and honest way. As I say, I like true science and true scientists who really want to help and do something good. This man clearly is one of them. Because as I also said, talking did never help me, it just made it worse for me. And I am lucky that I never got medication because of course I didn’t talk about the things which really were going through my mind, so the ones I talked to only saw what they wanted to see. And I represented them a nice boy who is just a little confused, but in a normal way. While I actually was far from normal or just confused. Maybe I really should make a brain scan at some point and if then as a result I would really need some medication, okay. But not just through talking or how they see me because so far, most people just saw what I showed them or what they wanted to so, which never helped me.

If only all would be like him in this field of science or in general.
But still it doesn’t solve problems, which are despite mental damage, very real. At least now we can focus on brain scans. I didn’t get one as far as I know, but I hope that it is getting popular or actually is used today. Sure there is still a risk for something to go wrong, but at least than you could be sure, whether it might just be a more or less physical problem, maybe caused by yourself and or others because of some events, or if it is something else. The open question would be, what would someone have, if their brain would be declared average or “normal” in comparison to all the other scans? Would this mean, that their problems could be somewhere else, not in the brain? Maybe in the gutter or the soul, whereever it is?
Open questions, open for science 😀 or something like that.

And now we all go to check our brains, I guess. (Maybe)
But at least something I could work with because a “guesser” won’t help me because I could probably guess even better than him, so what is the point, right? As I already wrote out, what I would diagnose myself with. Maybe some of it is true, but still it is just guessing and comparing myself to others as a psychiatrist or maybe psychologiest would do, depending on the situation and patient. But I need solid answers and this is something which could give an answer. We will see. I am sure that there will be something on those scans. If not, well then shit… But we will see.

I am going to watch “The Last Thing He Wanted” now.
And maybe eat something. Today I will get some things (waiting for a long time already) done, at least I hope.

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