Day 30 (late night)

Well I should continue to write my book now. It might not be a very special one, but I just have to finish it I guess.

And well, at least she finds a good ending for her thoughts. Even if it is a lie she tells herself. But yeah, interesting thoughts. Then, I am not exactly like this, maybe for the most part, but I guess I am more down right now? Down because I can’t really do necessary things, except showering and sleeping, when I am not deeply thinking like yesterday.

If only I would … (forgets thought) … Well, I guess that yeah… the point that I am failing in some way, makes my life better. And yeah, failure is a great teacher, but we fear it and don’t want to listen to it or get near to it. We only see failure as a permanent thing or a very wrong and painful thing, this might be true sometimes, but only if we believe it. Actually compared to war times and people surviving somehow, a failure today seems like a joke. But no one cares because we don’t have wars around here, so we have to succeed, right? – No. But We have to work for money, in some way. – I guess?

So if I continue what I do and maybe add necessary things to it, like cleaning the house etc. it could be actually a good way to go, right?
(Says the one who feels full of love at one point and like an empty cathedral on the next moment)

The thing is that it was a good thing to do for me, while I still feel bad about it way too often (as you might have noticed after all these depressive and critical words here and here – just a few… tousand)

If everything would be fine, what would be the point? Well it would be fine, right? But then how do you know? You were born fine, stayed fine and probably die … fine? So probably the whole thing would be pointless right?
If we would be a group of people living in a big forest somewhere far away, how long would it be good? (In case it would start good.)

The thing is, wouldn’t a thought about that, well we can’t change the world, not actually be the worst to consider? Because this would mean, that we can’t but people who do bad can, or what? Something else would be, to make the world a heaven. No, we can’t make a heaven on earth, not from what we have right now. So you could say, lost game, but why? I could all start small. But then saying, there is no point in trying to make a change, is also pointless. Why existing, if the only thing to do is accepting that everything is shit, others laugh about it and you cry or just get broke. So we all just laugh now or what? I mean, is this okay?

“Hey look, over there mom, the whole forest is burning! Look!”
*Mother laughs*
“Son, I know, but well, this is life, we can’t change it.”
“But mom, Timmy went into the forest 5 minutes ago.”
“Oh God. TIMMY!!!”

Ehm, yeeeeaaah… about that, is this normal behaviour?
If so, well then I should just go into the fire I guess?
(Normal in this case meaning, healthy behaviour for yourself)
Not caring, until it personally affects you.
Like as if that would be a new approach…

I guess, I really should focus on my book tonight. I still have 3 pages of notes to write into probably 20 – 40 pages.

The thing is, if I would know it would work, then I would have done it already, but then I knew it could work, but people told me, it isn’t working. What is paradox because people are doing it, or not? Are all books just illusions? I mean, yeah not all are successful, but it depends on the intuition and reason for what they did it, I guess. Or bad luck? Thought?

A positive approach towards a good failure is, that you feel better after some time, because you found out about things you haven’t thought much about or maybe done yet. I had this and still have, but it is getting weaker again. (And these damn stormy winds all night and even at day time.)
Interestingly when I didn’t sleep it was stormy even at day time, while it wasn’t before. (Scientific thinking: I need to investigate)
(“Logical Brain”: It is just an illusion)
Thank you. Now I know exactly nothing more…

But it feels a little better now. I am just very unstable after losing or lowering my mask and safety systems. It was necessary because otherwise how should I live? I mean would you be happy in a football armour, while watching a movie or playing a card game with friends? And no I don’t have a football armour, but that isn’t the point. How shoud life be real and love, if you don’t want to get hurt. It is necessary to wear an armour here and there, but for some time or at some point we should leave it, not wear it.
And yep, it is pretty painful, when you are alone. So maybe better with someone else who is trustworthy. “It can only get when, when it first gets worse.” or something like that.