Day 29 (until dawn)

Against the evil. And still strange. Who is evil and who is not? When there is evil, we will soon find out about it.

I will go an continue Ragnarök now. Already watched the first two episode and sadly there are only six. Sad and interesting and perfect right now.

For Lux currus:

Surah An-Nisa:
“And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].”

Mark 4:35
Jesus calms a storm
On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.”

Acts 4:35 + 37
“and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.”
“sold a field he owned and brought the money and put it at the apostles’ feet.”

Deuteronomy 4:35
“To you it was showed, that you might know that the LORD he is God; there is none else beside him.”

Daniel 4:35
“all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing,
and he does according to his will among the host of heaven
and among the inhabitants of the earth;
and none can stay his hand
or say to him, “What have you done?””

John 4:35
“Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.”

Luke 4:35
“Be quiet!” Jesus said sternly. “Come out of him!” Then the demon threw the man down before them all and came out without injuring him.

Well, am … interesting. What else should I say.
Okay… *nervous smile* *walks slowly towards the door*
I gotta go…

Now ehm actually, I just always do this and sometimes there is a clear message and sometimes it is just some data. And I am not sure what we have here. But I have to just throw this one out: “It’s almost harvesting season!” 😀

Okay, yeah weird, I know. Sorry about all of this. But I just started it at one point. Maybe it is time to stop these phrases now. Let’s wait for the next track and then, we hopefully know, whether it is getting nonsense or continue with something else.

Well this whole blog thing was probably a pretty bad idea, but I had to do it and now it is out there. Maybe it is good, maybe it is bad for me. But I won’t delete it because as far as I know everything I wrote was written with honesty and on a trial to find a hidden truth or just understand my thoughts and feelings and everything, literally everything. I just hope no one is too weirded out with this, I sure would be, if I wouldn’t be the one writing. ^^

So yeah, what should I say. This is me, hello … darkness … my old friend.
But it is actually a good thing, so I don’t have to tell people everything again, they can just read it and then either stay or leave me. One problem less (my talking about my problems) problem.

And now I will continue Ragnarök… finally.

And then I get this ad:

In rhythm with nature. I guess the forest speaks again. 😀
Or someone is just into weird nature Yoga dancing ^^

Message recieved. Strong message man.

And just to be clear about all strange I write, I know that it might just be imagination and that other people would think that, even I myself very often. But some things are just pretty strange. And I would love to know, that it is all just some kind of imagination, so that I could just focus on the things which could get me money and so on. Or at least lose hope in the super natural, but I can’t, not after all. Only if I would start manipulating me again and I am so sick of it, all these years, still not fully away this old system of destruction I created for myself. Maybe soon it will all be better, different and a little bit more “normal”. But not normal in a way, how normal people are. No, just a little bit less fucked up and weird. With one day I am happier than ever and the next day I am like a prisoner or someone who has only one week to live, or even suicidal thoughts again.

When I now write about these things, I am writing it because it still follows me and I still can’t be sure about many things. I just know, that I don’t want to end in a nut house or something like that. So I would better die before I should get into such a building. I would maybe such go in there as a visitor, but not as a patient myself. And I also don’t want to be a burden, talking doesn’t really help, only writing so far. A therapist also can’t help me with that because I know too much as that I would need one. My problem is just my self trust, that I can never be sure whether I am really doing it right, or just because I think it is, when it is not – or something like that.

And someone just talking won’t help with that. They would only say something like: “You are confused. You may have a disorder here or there.” Yeah sure, but I didn’t have one, when I was a kid. I even was doing things others couldn’t or wouldn’t do in my age. I mean I made basic breakfast for my parents when I was around 2 years old and I need to climb up my chair to reach the upper shelfs. And it all went well, so yeah, pretty unusual, but not having a disorder. I just developed this distrust in myself during all these bullshit years in school. Thank you school and thank you “friend” for making me a fool. Thank you myself, for helping them.

But if I would know, that I could trust myself after all, after all the damage I myself and others did to my soul and brain, then I forgive them and myself. But not like this because I could just imagine it all and maybe even cause more problems because of it. At least I don’t year voices or see anything. At least not in a way others might. I only imagine things sometimes, but then I know it is just imagination. I would freak out if there would be a creature in my house or something, but only I would see it. But I can understand people who have something like that. Because I imagined these things, but always just inside my head, so I knew that there wasn’t anything. Still it wasn’t funny, but the cause was in my brain. I always knew that it was in my brain, but now I believe that there could be more, based on what other people experienced.

Still, it could all be just a magical world… just in my head. But I don’t believe that, it is just difficult when I have to handle both views. The rational one “all just in my head” or the other one “there is more too it”, at least to what I am experiencing in the forest and so on. Can someone be insane who knows that they might be? *Pointing on myself with high eyebrows*

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