Day 29 (early morning)

Wouldn’t it be strange, if I would have godlike power?
Just imagine. I do sometimes. But then I always give up and call myself a fool myself, while there are movies coming up everywhere which show such things. If I could call on my believe, than this is not just pure coincidence, but a sign. And still I know, it could be all just in my head, you know? As I said, it felt as if I could play an important role, a lot of power is offered to me. I am still not sure, from whom or what, maybe from different sides, you know. But I don’t want either of it, not really. Too much could go wrong and in the end I might just imagine it all.

Still since I was little, probably even before kindergarden times, I had this sound, this frequency in my head sometimes and I still have it today. When I focus on it, it gets higher and stronger, sometimes it even felt as if I would be managing energy. And I also heared electric sounds in my neck sometimes. For some time it was gone or I just ignored it probably. But now it is there again. I mean aren’t people nowadays talking about higher frequency and earth magnetic fields and such things (also found in the playlist as far as I know)?

Maybe it is nothing, maybe it is just what others would normally say, when you tell them such things, just imagination, maybe a mental disorder. But I was just a happy kid, running around, playing, laughing, learning. Hyper active you could say, until I got more and more broken through people hurting me and things I found out, which weren’t good for me, not in the way I found out about them.

I sure know that I still have a lot of problems to face, from childhood traumas to finding trust in myself after manipulating myself for over a decade. Besides all that, there might be more to it. As a kid I already had this frequency in my head and it felt good in some way, but it also scared me a little because it got too loud sometimes and then I couldn’t control it anymore. It always stopped at one point, but I can’t really remember when, probably when I fell asleep. I often had it, when I was in bed, still not sleeping. I always thought, it might just be my thoughts I am hearing or something like that, but I even can just “activate” it by will, not as easy, but I could probably do it just now. I only doesn’t help me at the moment and never really did. But it probably just wasn’t the time for it.

(Yeah, yeah… you are just in a dream world kid, grow up or take some pills. Get back in reality.)

Yep… But how should one tell, whether it is in some way “normal”, strange and creepy, but right or just some kind of illness and I am actually just kind of dreaming all of this or making it up, while I believe it. And I guess the last answer would be, what a doc would tell me. But what should I say? – Yes, you are totally right. I am just sooo sick. Please give me pills. (spoken in a monoton voice) – Man I would love to just know whether I should really just lock myself away or just believe what is strange, but feels right.
Otherwise I will always think the worst, what would mean that I might not be a free human soon, if I ever was. Meaning, I could get locked away or at least blocked from internet access, what is almost equal to getting locked away for me. I mean if I would tell the earth is a plate and your might be a snake or something, well then you could say, that I am probably sick or just stupid. But no, I don’t say that. I just believe that there indeed is always more to a story and often there is. Most importantly what isn’t written down or spoken out.

I also know that I am repeating myself over many things. But it still feels like progress. I mean now I am actually going outside and even walk through the forest. Took me some time, but now I am doing what I didn’t some months ago. Still I fear people, when I can’t trust them or know them pretty well. I fear to be around places where people could be (e.g. my home village), so in the forest not many people show up, especially around midnight or in the morning hours because normal people either sleep or work then. I always try to imagine what I would do, when I would meet someone in the woods without a light as well.

Would I stay and say hello or run away? So far only a jogger with a head light passed by the first time when I just walked in there in the evening. And well now I saw this candle light or what it was. With the light I am even more scared in the forest it just feels unnatural to me. When it is out I just feel save and calm, as strange as it sounds. But after this candle light incidence I wasn’t too calm anymore, in fear to meet other humans or maybe breaking the peace of the forest with my walking noises.
When even in the forest you feel like a burden… man.

The lyrics are pretty heavy. I didn’t understand everything but most of it because it is written in an austrian dialect. Didn’t think it would get this heavy, when I started to read. At first I just wanted to make sure that it was nothing in a wrong area (if you understand), but even if, the text is true as far as I understood and then the image. This is the top high of depressions deepest. I had no real youth, I had no life for most of the time, still it could have been much worse, of course.

But what does this mean, I wanted to die because of it and still can’t get rid of this feeling. Not the love, the love makes me do wonders, but the fear, that I might just imagine it all. And I really don’t want to be just another one living in an illusion on the cost of others or even worse, pretending to, so they just have to help (like my dad).
I don’t want to end up like him, before I would sure end it. Not another soul trapped in a lie, not because of me. Better without me than with me as a burden. It is better to cry about it than to scream because I am still here, and just here but not really doing much, do I? I can’t tell because at the moment there is no money coming in and might never, after I quit my job.

Poor dog trying to get the ball ^^

I finished Ragnarök and it was too short, but man, now I should really check my trust. Because I mean, this is all pretty fucked up, to a point where I write, what others write and then I experience what others write or write similar. And I can only say, that I definitely would say that I have multiple mental illnesses, if I should play the therapist role. But hey, maybe it isn’t all just an illness, in a world in which everyone is crazy in some way. Others just hide it well or are too dumb to realize what is going on. Just my perspective, maybe yours as well.

But I mean, if I would harm other people because of this, then sure, I would better die than anything else. Would be better for all, but the opposite might be. I was sick before, when I felt nothing, when I just wanted to die, to be gone. But now I just either want to live fully or go, so I am not a problem. And I know pills wouldn’t help because if the ones I trust, would say, “Dude, you are out of your mind. Stop this nonsense. I would stop it, for them.” And then, I can’t ask this from a trusted one because then they might think, they could do something wrong. I don’t want to put this on someone, but what should I do, if I alone, can’t prove myself to be right… and can’t really motivate myself for much anymore.

All I did was through you trusted one. And I hope it was good for you as well, if not, I am sorry for putting all of this on you. I know it is hard and I know it is far from easy. Just give me a bullet, when I am completely insane, okay? I don’t want to live as a mad man. Better dead, than crazy. Should at least something not be completely crazy, maybe there is hope or a possibility that more could be true. But how should I know, when all could be imagination. I mean what should a normal person say? – It is all fine, you are right. – Of course not, I mean how should they, right? Just sorry for all of this… Maybe I should have never started it, but it really seemed to help, if it wasn’t making it worse… but how should I know… from outside everything is strange and wrong what I do, so…

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