Day 28 (until dawn)

I was in the forest again, but not for long.
When I got out of the second tree corridor, where I had seen the light last night, I just got this strange smell and I just hade to cough. It smelled like something burned, as if the air was burning and I almost couldn’t breath.
And tears rolled down my face because of it. After some time it stopped and I just lay down on the ground and watched the stars on the night sky. I just felt so sick, like getting fever and a cold after this strange smell and my coughing. Until this point I just walked normal and nothing special happened, despite a deer I heared. Then I heared some owls. And the ducks from my neighbour through the night. I mean it was a kilometer away, maybe there was a fox or something. After some time on the ground I got up again and went to the forest entry. I turned on my flash light to search for any traces of burned woods or something, but after some time searching I gave up and just turned it off again to walk inside the forest. Tonight it felt darker and even though the forest didn’t scare me I just had to think about the people with the candles. So I only took a short path and went home again. Tonight I heard more animal sounds than the nights before, I think.

At least there are still animals in the forest. Ah and when I reached the forest entry, when I was about to walk in, I heard fireworks somewhere from another village probably. I mean it was around 3 AM, it was pretty strange. At first I thought, maybe the hunters are shooting deers or boars or something, but then it just sounded like fireworks. Maybe it were hunters after all, I don’t know. But it sure was strange. And all of it broke my trust a little, not in the forest, but in myself. I feared to meet other humans too much.

One of my favorites since I was young

Man… 1984

Is the forest calling me now to prepare me for a task or is it calling me to rest? Either way, the forest now means more to me than I would have thought. Not that the forest itself is preparing me, but it is the training ground and supports me. The master guides me, where I can’t see.

But then, what is it? I am not here to burn things, not here to fight wars with violence or weapons. I am not here to kill people. I am here to save them and then, how should I, little one, do such a thing? I alone am nothing and as far as I know, I can’t move things just with my mind nor fly. Maybe never, but who knows. It isn’t about super powers, but power itself. Only because you could fly, doesn’t mean you have to. Only because you can kill a hundred with a single move of your hand, doesn’t mean you have to. But what do I know, maybe I don’t survive anyways, probably better. Then even though I know how much I could give, how much value I might have, what is it, if I can’t do the small things and necessary things. At least not all of them. I don’t want to end up as one who talks, but never does because I already am this way right now, but at least now I still know.

If it would just be painful because it is meant to be this way, I could accept it and live with it, for the ones I want to help. If it would be in a way, Jesus knew he would die, knew one would betray him, but he moved on to the moments it happened to fullfill what God had planned – I could accept it. But would I just live to live, to die, there is no point for me to stay. I have seen enough. Good things, bad things, everything. I wasn’t at many places in reality, but I still felt them, still saw them. So there is nothing left. I would be ready for dying, I already was two years ago. But it wasn’t my time, not yet. Is it now? It feels like it, but then I shouldn’t force it to move on nor end before it. I don’t want to know when my last day would be, I just want to know, whether I am on the path or just doing it all wrong again. I don’t want that others think they have to help me and I also don’t want to live on other people’s work and money. I want to leave because the reasons to stay are just reason which keep me alive, but not really live at least not yet. And it is hard to find an explanation for someone else, when I know all about leaving and staying, when I know for what I could stay, should stay and for what not. When I know what could wait out there, what I already felt, but then it might all be just this. If all I imagined, already was, then for what would I stay, if there wouldn’t be more? If only for me, I wouldn’t be here, or I would be just doing whatever I might do. But now I am in a situation in which my feelings are so intense that it is dangerous. Man… I know that I would hurt many people, I know. This is a problem, but I can’t live when I am just hurting them anyways or giving them worries and I also can’t just live for them. So what is it then, am I a fool, a crazy man? Am I a lost master mind yet to be found? I just want to die, if this pain is pointless. And for me it isn’t, but how should I be sure about a thing.

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