Day 28 (first hours)

If my life would be a movie, I sure would have some of the best music played. And I didn’t even search for it. I will finish the data copying stuff tonight if I can and tomorrow give it to the family waiting for it over some months now.

The better one is, the worst they feel and worse they get because they feel what the world gives them to feel, the pain and horror of a lost game, a lost life, lost hope. So if one is evil, they don’t feel it anymore, they cause it. But the ones who may caused something, but still feel it, they can be the ones to fix it all. But maybe not, maybe I just want to dream. If so, please tell, so I could finally go. I once felt peace before my surgery two years ago. I thought, well I can’t lose, either I die or I die or I don’t get this pain anymore. And well I just didn’t get the pain anymore, the physical pain from these black stones inside my body. But I wished to be dead, it didn’t really matter to me. It wasn’t granted and so I had to continue. Until I broke down and almost killed myself with cleaning liquids. Would have been painful, but I am used to it. To physical pain and to soul crushing pain, I am used to it. And now that I found peace not just within death, but within darkness, within the forest, found love for the darkness, I am not sure what will come next. I don’t say, I love evil or bad, meaning bad to harm others just because of fun, of rage or things like that. No, I love the peace, the quiet peace and that there is nothing to fear in darkness because all evil is in the light already. No one goes in the darkness, so why should evil be there?

Now I still feel lost, while I feel found as well, but holding me back because I have nothing to pay the future life. I can only trust in what I did and do so far, for the change. If it is not real, than in a year or two, the money will be gone. If nothing happens before. And I won’t stay to be the burden any longer. To be the one they all worry about, they all think about, while no one seems to understand, except one or two, who want to. There could be more, but I don’t trust any other, not as much as with the one I really trust and my mom, she at least wants to understand because she also never got understood by others. Maybe it is a lost game, maybe it is the future or maybe I am just trying to write a happy end for my story, while I still go down. But I really experience what I wrote about the forest and it really is love, is peace, is everything inside and outside. Oh, how would I wish it all to be true, but there is no way I can be sure. If I die, maybe I could help from the other side, maybe I am gone forever, wherever, whatever. I love you all, all who are lost, broken, nearly insane, who can’t stand this world, who can’t live like this. All who suffer, all the dead, who know they are dead, who want a change, or just stop to exist. I love you all. :-/

May all of this aid you, anonymous reader, may it aid you, trusted one.
If not for me, than at least for you. I am still here, but I am never sure how long. Maybe my heart will die first, maybe I will leave because I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t need much, but more than I will ever get, I guess. All else was given, all else I already recieved. And still I get more, more I didn’t ask for, which helps, which is good. All I need is: “You are on your way. Do what you do, it is the right thing. You know it and knew it before you understood a thing. Follow it until the end, the real ending of your story. The quest, you were given, is no simple, no easy one, but you know, you will know what to do.” And then, only this could just be me, how should I be able to prove myself. I can’t simply say: “It is right!”, I can’t because I can’t know for sure and I am not a religous, political or any other kind of leader or speaker. I can’t say something like this about me and I also don’t want to be something like that. We don’t need another revolution, we don’t need more violence, war… we just need love and peace with it and the freedom through peace, through love, so everyone can be free to love and be loved and then do what they love. Life is never easy, but could be “a little bit”.

I could say: “I am a good one. I am here to save you. Trust me.” But especially I wouldn’t trust myself about this. So why should you? And maybe it would still be true, but how should I know. I remember that when I was maybe two or three, that I once stood on the talbe in the living room of my mother’s parents house. And I imagined talking to many people and I said that I would want to preach when I am older. Back than I had a totally different view on the world. Back then, God was still the man in the skies for me and still I could preach, if preaching would only mean, to tell you what I already wrote. But not in a way one would think, that I could be this or that. No not for christianity, not for any religion, just for you and for me and all the lost ones of this world. Good words, but without a mask, bad words, used to show the mask, words… More than words.

I sometimes thought about, what would be, if I could only transfer data, thoughts through time, only energy in some way. What would I do, to show myself to change, or move on, in general to guide myself to do the right? How would I do it, what could I do? Could I do it with other humans, so that they show me, what I have to know? Only show me in a way, that I manipulate my younger thoughts to go where the message is, it needs to see? Everything is out there, just to be found. So I wouldn’t need to change a lot of data, change a lot of minds, it already is out there. Maybe I wouldn’t be the only one. So all I had to do, is to change this one thing, that there is more out there and that everything has meaning, so that I see the meaning I need to know. Like using words in a book, you didn’t wrote, to mark a message, it may already had or it never had, but some words together can show the message you need, no one else would see like you. Either way, I don’t know. I also often thought about me talking to people about these times, about the past, I live right now. And I thought about thinking about talking about it. Who knows, maybe it was real and I just thought it was a daydream. I can’t be sure anymore. Before I always told me, it is all in my head because this is what others would say, right? So I might have told myself a lie and I told myself other lies as well. How should I know what is and what not, for myself? I only know, that when I was young, I wanted to learn, I wanted to help and I wanted to live and I helped and I lived and I learned, but then it changed, it stopped it became the opposite. I wanted to forget, to die and just don’t have to help or do a thing, I just wanted to finally go creating a mess…

If I would know, that it wasn’t just about me and some people around me…
If I would know that there is reason for me, beyond just going on and on, leaving chances, breaking friendships, losing hope, creating hope just to lose it. If I would know… know for sure. I could go through this, but then it would be too easy, right? We would have this problem… Would we? Isn’t this the problem – that there is no one to tell us, that we just have stick to the good thought we had because it is true and not just a wish. It may be just a dream, just a wish, without any truth behind it. I can’t be ready for it, but I might not have time. Maybe I just need some days, a single day, one night, one moment. Time has no meaning, where I have been. Time is irrelevant. I can learn all in one moment, or nothing 50 years. But who would tell me, that it is real, not just me or you, trapped in a dream?

Gave me tears near the end, I feel almost like weeping and pain of the world again.

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