Day 27 (until dawn)

Well, I wasn’t in the real forest tonight. Before I went out, while it was still kinda stormy outside, I felt the need for a shower, so I got into the shower for a while. After was done and got my clothes on the storm was over. But well, I just got out anyway. So I let the cat out, as always. She actually always wants out, when I went outside as well. I walked the usual road towards the forest, through one passage between trees, then alongside trees on the left and through another small tree corridor until the road goes between two fields towards the actual dark forest. While I was near the end of the second corridor, I noticed a little light between the trees. At first I thought, probably just a car or a reflection from somewhere. It happens. But when I got out of the corridor, the light was clearly in front of the forest entry I usually go in. Then I thought, well maybe it is this guy I “met” the first time who was jogging with a lamp on his head.

I walked slower, but the light didn’t move. I think I walked 1/3 of the part between the fields maybe almost half of it, then I stopped. The light was still there on the road in front of the forest. While I was walking some cars and trucks passed on the main road on the left of the field. So maybe who ever was there had seen me. But anyways, I just stood there and looked towards the light. Then I noticed the light must be a fire, either candle fire or a small “camp” fire. Given that I already had seen a woman and a man at midnight with a bunch of candles while I was walking somewhere else with my friend, I wasn’t sure about this. So after maybe 5 minutes I just walked back. But I wasn’t scared, I just didn’t want to walk there. I didn’t want to disturb the people and also didn’t want to scare them nor get questions asked. Maybe they were friendly, maybe not. But I just wasn’t ready to find out.

After I walked through the small tree part again, I turned into the other road towards the cemetery, but after some hundred meters I also stopped again and turned towards the light. It was still there. I stood there maybe another 5 minutes, just watching and then I walked back home again.

Tonight I couldn’t walk through the forest, someone else was using it.
I could have just walked another path, there are enough, but this entry up there is special for me. On the way back I thought about the burned wood and circles I found here and there in the forest, when I was younger, playing or just walking through the woods. But back than I just walked when it was daylight. This said, I didn’t use my flash light at all, but I also had no need for it. Especially with other humans around. I don’t no whether it was only one person, a couple or more. I just saw a light, like a flame, maybe multiple flames (candles?). Just this week we talked about this and that with my mother, when she told me, that some people had found headless rabbits near the forest, when I was a kid. Good to know that. *nervous laughter* but I told ya, this village man. Very strange… But still, the forest has nothing to do with it, the forest alone is just peaceful.

Whatever it was, they are still up there. Maybe just some people like me, searching for peace. Maybe some people meditating, maybe something dark. Maybe possible friends, or just nice people, but maybe I shouldn’t walk there. I just wasn’t unsure about the situation and I wasn’t prepared for this. If there would have been sound, maybe I would have just walked another path. But I didn’t hear a thing. No talking, no music, just this light. And I was probably just 100-200m away from it.

The last couple of times when I felt pretty good in the forest, it was around 1 AM when I left the house and I was walking around 2-3 hours. But now it was already around 4 AM when I got out of the house. So maybe this was the problem, but maybe they were there the whole night. I mean maybe they were actually this couple I have seen I think 2 years ago. But it was somewhere else over 10 km away. Maybe they just do this regulary to find peace with nature or just meditate. (Overthinking)

Anyways, I think I should go there this evening and look for burned tree stumb or something like this. If they would have been somewhere in the forest, who knows, or just nearby. But no, the light seemed to be right at the entry. I am not exactly sure, but it looked like it in the dark.

During the first hours I watched some more episodes of “The End of the f***ing World” and I now reached episode 6. This night is weird, last night was weird. Is it better or worse?

just some meters from my house is a big truck, these long ones. And up the street to the forst is another one of these, but this one was making strange noises, I wasn’t sure whether it was the heating or music playing inside or both. But just sounded pretty strange. Everything dark, no lights.

When the series name hits you in the face again, after listening to this.

When trees are moving. When trees are talking. You know the forest is on your side.

These storms man…
From a rational perspective I must be on some good drugs.
But well, I didn’t do any, believe me. I could only say, maybe in my body or brain gets something generated, like DMT. It actually gets produced in small doses and is in plants and some people get high on it. Maybe I am high on DMT, without consuming any. Maybe I am having a high frequency, maybe both. Maybe I just see what I saw as a kid, but lost in the time I was trying to fit in, so I wouldn’t get hurt. Oh boy, little did I know about these “humans”. I am a human being, but not an average human. Is there a difference? For me for sure.

I am at a point in which seeing naked people just like that, isn’t in any way erotic or wrong. It is just a body, a vessel. Some are beautiful and others could be as well. There is a beauty in everything, if we are open to it. This is only possible, when I see it with my female side, otherwise I would trigger the addiction again. Sometimes it happens, but so far I am again at least a week without, maybe more. I don’t know. I stopped counting at some point. But from my posts you can tell, I think. I just know that it wasn’t too long ago.

It is difficult for me. When an addiction to porn which started, when others said it is normal, is just pain. I mean the last years, when I watched porn I often just saw the eyes of the women and thought: “Why is this happening?! Why am I like this, why are we like this?” I saw the tears, the broken dreams or the drugs, even if they hadn’t any. Just this shit man… this hell we created. Sometimes when I watched porn I was feeling the woman and just broke. As weird as it sounds, but I learned things while watching porn, I learned how fucked up men are and how crazy the world is. I learned how sad woman can play happy stars, while inside they are dead, while a man like me watches them. It… it just… I just couldn’t stop, you know…

So, I think I would be better, when I would have been born as a woman. I would still have similar feelings, but at least a biological difference. Men tend to say things like: “At least I don’t bleed down there.” or whatever. But I think, I would feel better bleeding sometimes, than what man do. For me this whole thing developed into a nightmare. And I am just happy, that these days it gets better. I still fell into it sometimes and maybe will again. The brain isn’t healed yet, but it is getting better I would say.

If I could tell me one thing as a kid, I would say: “Son, do what you love, trust yourself!” And I would probably not fall for it. But then maybe I would think it is interesting and still fall for it. So maybe it just was meant to be, so that I see how horrible it all is. Sometimes I thought about just hugging the woman on the other side, sometimes I even stopped. But only with the feeling of real love and this process of awakening or whatever it is, I could actually just not do it. Without the need for it. Because I don’t need it, just the brain developed a pattern over all these years. So many years…

I am ashamed of it, of us, but overall about myself. How could I be such a monster, while my soul was pure and good when I was a few years old. The world teached me and I followed it because all I heard about other things was wrong or strange as well. If only I would have know… but it is done, it is what it was. And whoever is reading this, I am sorry, but I have to write, what is inside. This said, I think two days ago, I head some blood in my shorts. I don’t know, I probably just injured myself accidentially in the sleep? I don’t know man… Things are happening.

People reading this blog are always like:


And I am like:

Oh eh… actually:

Well, I think this one went a little to far, back to the time without these many GIFs in here.

RIP – another artist gone

Maybe I am building my final memoirs. I am not sure.
All of this is in some way important, maybe some more, some less.
I came to a point, where I can’t say anything is normal, but it is a good thing, when I am losing my mind here. If I should be gone one day. Where ever I might go, I will try to help you, yes you who ever is reading this.
But only if I can and if you want of course. This isn’t some kind of “I will haunt you because you found this book” kind of thing. I don’t think that I would be able to help though, maybe not even think about it, if I would think at all in the way we do now.

I still tell ya, if you would say to me, go to this country, go to these people and try your best, but maybe you die. I will go there, if you show me the way. If I shall go to some dictator and tell him to stop his bullshit, well I would do it and then probably die in a horrible way. If it would just serve a purpose, it is all good for me. But just leaving isn’t it for me, while I still could go, even today. I just don’t want to leave you alone, but I barely know you. I think you now know more than anyone knows, except my most trusted friend. Maybe you are the only one reading this. So far I just noticed you.

Let me be an example. You can’t run from your past, but you can face it.
The way I share everything which was and is right now, I have everything to hold against me, but the fact that I shared it, makes it irrelevant.
Others might say: “What a sicko” or “Crazy maniac”… whatever.
I have to do this and I am doing it. I never felt better and in general since I started writing about these things (when I actually started around 8 months ago) and now even more because I know everyone could read it.

This should actually be the opposite because you can’t just share everything and feel good about it, right? Well I just had to and then it felt good. But before, when I wasn’t ready, it just felt wrong and I feard it.

We are strange beings, wandering over earth as if it would be ours, while we know nothing about it and pretend to be gods. Some may found what you could call this way. Some may be gods in some way, but most just want to have power, when they deserve none, at least not in the way they want it.

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