Day 27 (morning)

I am watching the last episode of the first season “The End of the f***ing World”. I like it, but I can’t tell you whether I am part of it or not. I am sure playing a role, but which of them? I mean it is obvious in one way, but then maybe it is different than you would think. Because for me this is on another level again. And I am together with myself. Strange but this is how I would describe it, while I might not be the only one.

The sentence with the crazy one being the wise one, is interesting because I already read it at least in one of these Valiant videos or even a song text. Maybe both. Interesting. So far my only problem is, that I still don’t do much. (Says the one who writes each day several pages and processes series, music together with feelings, memories and thoughts. No shit, it is something) Yes, but I mean actual things in the physical world. At least the computers are configured and I hope I can finally close this chapter tomorrow or on sunday.

If I would be depressed (are you not?), this would make me more depressed. Well done… But it is true. Only that it is different for everyone and I would say, that in my case this is partially true. If I would have to work harder and harder each day, I would just leave. It isn’t about harder, it isn’t about forcing, it is about love. So they aren’t right, but still not all is wrong. But the word love, wasn’t used as far as I noticed. When I love something (e.g. music, programming, writing, …) I just want to do more of it and learn more about it. I just can’t hold myself back on it. If I would have to force myself to do something I hate any longer, I could just leave, because what is the point. I don’t want any of this, I don’t want a “great” body or money or whatever. I just want to live and I just need some money, not much, just to get what I need. That is all. And if I do what I do with love, this is all I asked for. No “even when you don’t feel like” because I can write no matter how I feel. I can program no matter how I feel, when I do it for myself or for someone I care about and when I do it with love. Otherwise it would be all pointless then I don’t want heaven on earth for me, I don’t need it, but I would wish to have love around the world. Real love, not “Do you want sex?”, no real love is so much more and anyone could love everyone else because love is between souls and feelings, not just bodies and time with bodies. Love isn’t about bodies, not really. Sure the physical world plays a role in it, but it shouldn’t by far not be the thing which you relate with love. Love is not physical, but it can be expressed physically in different ways. You know it, when you feel it. I don’t know much about physical love for myself, but I have this feeling of love and empathy. So I would be pretty awkward with other people. But hey, this is me. I just hate to wear a mask, okay?
The last years it didn’t really protect me, it only made things worse for me because one thing led to another and because of the mask I couldn’t say a word or show a thing, not really. And the few things I tried, didn’t really bring a change. Now I just put down the mask and well, it is pretty strange.

Well I just started writing and listening again, as you might have noticed.
I guess I will go sleep a while now.

But first I will drop some more music for me to listen.

These days I enjoy to be alone, well not completely alone, but knowing that I don’t have to be alone, but can be when I want. Or at least that would be it, if it would work. Because when I am alone I can do impressive things and feel good.

But I just couldn’t really fully overcome this fear, this thing, that no matter what I do, it will end up as a failure, leaving everyone who care for me in a miserable state and I am gone. But then when I go, it would be the same anyways, so I would rather go before it is too late and then I know it could be better. But this isn’t the only problem. It is about the things I have to do. I don’t earn money right now because I quit my job. I just couldn’t do it any longer, the bad feeling just literally killed me.

And so at least I am writing, making music, listen to music and talks, to what other people think and write and give me to watch. At least something, don’t you think? But then I think, it isn’t the best and I can only give until it feels bad and I mean real bad. And then I think, maybe it is normal for others and I am just lazy, but no it doesn’t feel like being lazy. It feels like death, if I would do the things I hate now. So then I would better chose to leave because I can’t be a bag of bones in a room, not doing things which will help me out, or do I? It doesn’t seem to be like it because I can’t go through this on my own because I am not alone. Would I be alone, then it would be simply. I either just die or do what I want because I would be the only one who would care. But because I can’t really be alone and other people care about me while they don’t actually know me… Aaaaaaah.

I don’t want to do nothing, the opposite. But if what I do now is pointless, I should better go or I will end up in a nut house eventually. If I could only just get a little money from random people, for things they want, so I can live and they can live. I don’t want more. I just need enough to pay what one has to pay. Or I have to really go live in the forest. Somewhere in Siberia maybe.

It is easy to say, just fail a couple of times, if no ones life depends on it, but your own. For me I could fail all day, just like that. But this is my problem, I am not living for myself, at least not until now. So don’t tell me, just fail. This year I started to, but I never could because it was not in my power. For me it always is because for me I can fail all day, nothing is a failure for me because I have no problem with living on the streets. (Well easy said from one who showers almost every day and didn’t live on the streets yet.) Don’t say that too loud boy.

It is just too much. I can only take it, when I am in the forest or when I am in this state I also have in the forest. When everything is connected and easy. But sadly most of it is just there when I am not really here. Sadly I feel like the worst story teller, the worst to talk about awakening because I have all what others ask for and I simply can’t do it. I can’t because I fail to do simple things. I fail to do what is necessary. I am sorry, sorry that I can’t do what I have to do. At least I collected everything, for one who can, one soul, stronger than mine. We will see, but I just can’t be it. I can’t be the one to make the change, I can’t do the simple things. I could, but I don’t do them. So don’t listen to me, maybe it’s all wrong. But I won’t delete this, I can’t. This is beyond me, so I have no power over it, even if it is nothing to you. For me it is real and for me it is majestic. Still, I am not worthy to take this. I can’t get this power I felt in the forest because I am even doing the simple things.

How should I get godlike powers, when I can’t even do simple things, everyone can do, it seems like? Should this power not better be on your side? At least you do the simple things, am I right? And if not, welcome…

I can’t get power, when I do nothing for it and just could abuse the power.
Is this a task? Is this a lesson? Am I teaching myself? For me it just doesn’t seem to be a right thing, when I would get power for doing it all wrong. It is not about doing it perfect, but at least these little things… At least something… all I do is this, these things here. Creating online merch shops, music, writing, all for what? No one will find this, probably when I am dead, probably when it is too late for everyone and at least for me. A sinking ship, playing the last songs until it meets the ocean.

Dark was just one of the best series I have ever seen.
And I realized it when it was over and again while listening through all these songs. Man… what a masterpiece.

But now really, I am going to bed now. At least for some hours.

Bye! :-/

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