Day 27 (first hours)

These storms each night… man it isn’t funny anymore. It is almost normal now for two weeks that it is stormy outside at night and sometimes even all day. And I am really bursting because I have love, while the fear is rising again and this act of nothingness, of not doing, what I don’t want to do. But I just have to do some things, I can’t just do what I want, can I? But then when I want to go out and do something useful, the only thing I do is walking. At least for myself it was useful so far, to heal, to love, to trust myself again. Is it enough, was it ever? I feel it all just as a dream, a last hope I believe until the storm rolls over me. When the final heartbeat announces the end, the end, the beginning of life and death, until in another life or another world, another dimension we meet all again, or maybe never because it all was just dream, just data on a screen, a video game. Who knows man… who knows these days.

What would you with knowledge which could either destroy or help humanity, the world? Would you keep it in a secret place, to only give access those who you call sisters and brothers for the same cause? Would you destroy it, so that no one evil can get their hands on it? Would you keep it in your mind, until you forget it ever existed? Or would you just do it anyways – like what does it matter, world is going down anyways, so either live or die? Man, I don’t know… But it seems wrong to just use it, while it is also wrong to not use it at all. If only all the good ones could be stronger together, stronger than the evil systems, evil people using them. I am not sure whether I can hold on to my believes. I believe in powers beyond our current believe, what we see in movies, but never believe to be true.

But I believed in them and for me they exist. Maybe different in some way, maybe exactly the same as presented. Ask the authors how or why they wrote it. Sometimes, they don’t know for sure. Sometimes, it wrote itself. Like words of old, like words of wisdom. Not thought, just known, not written, but found to be written and then again, it might be all what they say, all just thoughts, just imagination. But how should I know, I am the one who know all and nothing at all. While I am one, I have all, while I am me, it’s just me, me without a clue, me without the need to be. Nothing is worse than to feel lost, while you know you aren’t, you shouldn’t feel lost.

Not because you might still be lost, but because you found what you asked for and even more. Still lost, how can this be? It only means, I am not ready yet, or is it something else? It isn’t lack of trust or believe because I don’t believe in forced things, in man made creations. I believe in what I feel and felt, what I have always known, love and the power of love and that we all could be one, while we already are, but divided in pieces.

Can it stop please? Can you just tell me this is they way? Otherwise there is only death awaiting me. Not because I could live on earth, I already survived two decades and a little more. It is just, when the only point to live, would be to die, then I chose to die, I have seen it all. While I haven’t really, but felt it within me. So I have what I asked for, only one thing is left, but I don’t think this will be granted, not in a way I would want it – the end of the pain. According to my believe, it will end one day and one day maybe sooner than we think, we will be where we lost ones always wanted to be. Just alive, just living in the moment, following dreams and being able to feel free, to feel, to love, just having a life, a real life.

But I can’t ask for this because it won’t ever happen, if what I believe is just a thought and nothing real. Am I dreaming? If so, don’t wake me up. It might be worse to wake up, when what I found in the forest was just a dream. But if you know more, tell me. I want to know what you feel, what you think, even if it might be nothing at all. It is more than you think. But what do I say… maybe I am just one of these “I am a prophet” guys, maybe I am just a kid thinking this is something worth writing about, while it actually is nothing new or nothing important, maybe nothing real at all. Who am I to say a word, all I say could be wrong, all could be just a dream. Some dreams come true, but isn’t mine way too big? While it actually should be the only dream which should be natural, should be shared with everyone. And still, am I right? I can’t be, I am just too small for this.

Where is my window? Where should I walk through, the gate, the portal? Should I just leave and see what comes next, if I will see something at all? For me, there is nothing to fear anymore. Why should I fear an after life in hell, when it could be in another dimension, when I could be energy floating through space, when I could be born again, could be free at last. Maybe hell is earth because we were born to die again until we know, so we can go on. For me earth isn’t always hell, but more hell than heaven, just in concepts of old. While it might me different at all. I don’t believe in heaven or hell in the same way, than others. Sometimes I just think it can be many things at the same time, like us, like the universe, our body and the world.

Not only one thing, not only this or that, but maybe all or just more than we can imagine. If everything is in some way math, the is a reason for all things, while doesn’t have to be written in stone or something, the result and the start are the same, but the path from start to end can be different each time. Like a multiverse in a single universe, starting and ending again, while they all do the same, over and over again. To be not just this or that, but everything. Like a motor, like the cylinders inside. They are all the same, but in different positions, so the motor keeps running and wheels are moving, while they move in a space, in a room, we never even thought of yet, or did we? I am sure someone out there already did. Not me, not you, maybe long ago or just a day before me.

Maybe in a single particle of what we know, is a whole new universe, maybe just a bit, in a stream of data, in a world so similar and yet different from our own. As a reflection of ourselves, in the mirror of a screen. Where the one in front of it, just wrote a simulation for a school project. And he just wanted to show, how the world is working. Just wanted to play God a little. But then who created him? Did we? I am not the first, I might never be, but who cares… if the message should be true, then it should be heard. I could just say it is, but then I might be wrong and I don’t want to force a thing, don’t convince people of things, I don’t even fully understand yet, not with my single brain, my broken brain alone…

If hope lives through the ones hoping, we are getting weaker with each one of us leaving. But actually it might be the opposite. It depends on the perspective. The stronger the pain, the harder the fight, so the ones who fight the hardest of fights and win, can create hope stronger than they thought of, when they started to fight for it. So am I writing for hope, for love, the love which seems to be dead? But then what do you do? Do you love, do you love someone, yourself, me? Each life is a life, each soul a soul which deserves love, which deserves life. Those who want to have it all for themselves, won’t get life, won’t get love because love can’t just be alone.

Love is something you can’t just have, it is what you get, when you just want to live. Sadly many of us already died, without the feel of love. We can’t see them all the time, we can’t help them always, we are broken as well. When can we live? If I wouldn’t believe, that there is more, I would be dead a long time ago. “When I was 8 I knew…” life is not real, I didn’t want to be an adult working and just working for losing hope. I wanted to either live or die. But I decided for dying because life seemed out of reach for me. And yet, I couldn’t just go, for people I loved or just for this feeling, that someone could need me. Because I don’t.

Shouldn’t in a mathematical equation the result be the same as the calculation? Is the result a positive number? Actually it must be 0, but then what would be the point? Is it 0/0? Is this the result? But then how would you get there? And wouldn’t 0/0 = 1? Therefor 0 is 1? So that in a binary system, the number is never just this or that, but both? We only interpret it in a certain way? Would this mean, that a number would just be an illusion? Just what we think about it? And then we all think the same, well of course not the same, but similar, otherwise the numbers would always be NaN.

A star with eight ends, eight directions, eight in one. Eight in infinity. Eight as a brother of twelve, the number to be seen as whole. It is eight for twelve, 8 – 4 – 12. Each divided by itself is 1. All is one, even nothing, or everything. All is one. As simple as that. We are one.

Outside the storm is calling, the wind is houling, I have to go out again.
See you later, I guess. – I mean, write you later. Bye.

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