Day 25 (until dawn)

I stopped the 13th episode after around 45 minutes.
I weeped, I cried for around 10 minutes from the start of the funeral ceremony. Just tears all over, it really hurt and it felt so good, so full of love.
And the pain actually got weaker until it was away. I don’t know when I last cried this long, but I sure don’t cry this long that often. And for many years I couldn’t cry at all. The past months really changed everything. Sadly only inside of me, for the most part, but then also outside of me, but I can’t really tell. It is my perspective, yours could be totally different. But after all, the world still is a mad world, the fight just started.

May this be the next track, the next song. The speeches at the funeral scene and before it and shortly after it, they were just speaking directly to me, for me, with me, about me, in me, around me. For me, for you, for all of us. I love this feeling, when ever I have it, I love it. – Love


And it is still stormy outside around here. Since it started almost every night I hear the wind, I hear the shutters in the wind and somtimes there is rain.

Is it just me? Man… life is strange.


The new album – Numerus ci vitas – and a new track – Et tantum numeri litteris:

Deuteronomy 30:15-20
“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, death and adversity. If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I am commanding you today, by loving the Lord your God, walking in his ways, and observing his commandments, decrees, and ordinances, then you shall live and become numerous, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you do not hear, but are led astray to bow down to other gods and serve them, I declare to you today that you shall perish; you shall not live long in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lord swore to give to your ancestors, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.”

Colossians 1:15-20 (TLB)
“Christ is the exact likeness of the unseen God. He existed before God made anything at all, and, in fact, Christ himself is the Creator who made everything in heaven and earth, the things we can see and the things we can’t; the spirit world with its kings and kingdoms, its rulers and authorities; all were made by Christ for his own use and glory. He was before all else began and it is his power that holds everything together. He is the Head of the body made up of his people—that is, his Church—which he began; and he is the Leader of all those who arise from the dead, so that he is first in everything; for God wanted all of himself to be in his Son.

It was through what his Son did that God cleared a path for everything to come to him—all things in heaven and on earth—for Christ’s death on the cross has made peace with God for all by his blood.”

John 15:20
“Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.”

Luke 15:20
“So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”

Acts 15:20
“Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood.”

1 Corinthian 15:20
“But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.”

1 Kings 15:20
“And Ben-hadad listened to King Asa and sent the commanders of his armies against the cities of Israel and conquered Ijon, Dan, Abel-beth-maacah, and all Chinneroth, with all the land of Naphtali.”

Numbers 15:20
“Present a cake from the first of the flour you grind, and set it aside as a sacred offering, as you do with the first grain from the threshing floor.”

Mark 15:20
“And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple from him, and put his own clothes on him, and led him out to crucify him.”


Holy… no words… no words… I just can’t explain this with words.
The only one standing against the others is the 1 Kings 15:20, but maybe it will reveal itself, when the time has come. All these texts, all with these numbers and all in some way united as one meaning. So many, I think I never had so many, so much to read which actually made sense without much thinking, without much interpretation. I really found, what I found.
It has to be right. I can’t say it is wrong. Only from outside this might be.
When can I just accept, it is the truth? I have the truth in front of me, but the thoughts keep telling me. “Dude, you are going crazy.” While I know, I am not. While I know, this is what I asked for, this is the truth. “The truth is out there.” – X-files

And this is what I found. Who am I? For real…

(Scared the shit out of me, all of this, but in a good way)

I might survive this year, but I don’t know, I sure have mission. And it gets bigger and bigger. Not in a pressurous way, but in a beautiful and amazing way, pure love. Even if I don’t survive, it was worth to live for this, for all of what I found in the last months.

Oh holy. No words, no more.
Just love therefor.


The reflection, the mirror, the one and only truth, while many exist

All like a reflection, a mirror of some sort. A world, worlds are merging. Minds are merging, energies flow. The currents are presenting, what the flowers all knew, what the trees did wisper and the darkness told you.
The darkness as a beauty, as a light, not a fearsome. It showed you the ways, the ways unspoken. Only we, those who have seen, we know. It is not what one can simply see, it is too simple, to complex to reach. What you think is really not, only if thought through love, you see. You see? A warden in the garden, a park I once saw. The time is not present. It is nevermore. No time, no day nor night. Just all is one, in one moment in time, in nothing and all.
How are these words working, how are these words write, they write and get written, as they once were before. This is an answer, the answer are all. All coming when time reveals, but only you will set the time, the time when you reveal what you knew. I knew, I lost, I know. I know… So words are not mine, some, you could say, but words are just there so you see, if you don’t. Let you see, what we already saw. Without the words we know more, we feel it. So this might be it. The end of mine. My toes are getting red to blue, a violet one, feels dead and cold. Even if the rest survive, even if it justs looks bad. I know. I have heard it from the trees, I felt it in the dark. The peace, the peace which is awaiting me. When the world is in chaos, I walk like in paradise, not for the war, not for the chaos, not the deads and horror, no… I walk for you and you walk with me and we know it is time, but it doesn’t matter than the time is no more. The faster it ticks, the faster it gets, all in your head, all falling apart. These times are fast, these times a turning, the times as a thing you read, as a thing you count as a thing you talk about. Where did I start? I can’t remember, but all these words look just like ember, not gold not like the sun, the sun flower, no. Just ember, remember?
If written by hand, or written by machine, through keyboard and glasses, through eyes or just … Just the hands I were given, when I got on this earth. Oh these hands all they did, I don’t want to remember. But I do and I had to, I have and will again. Until I forgive, forgive me, forgive you, forgive everyone. And love, love more then ever I did, than ever I could, love as the child I was, like the child I am. If I would say, you can walk in the air, would you believe me? If I would say, you can fly, could survive a hundred bullets going through your body. Would you believe me? I wouldn’t, but now I do.
While I ever wondered, I thought too much, too much about what all the others said, the others did, to me and them and to the other ones, like me.
My feet are dying and so do I. How can this be, why now, this is not fair. But all I wanted – my despair. The storms outside, the calling, the words which aren’t my own, but then I typed them, I wrote them on paper once. I will again, if I have to, when I feel to write on paper. When I am not dead until then. But dead I was, I was too long. The dead were no dead bodies, no, and yet they were. Not only one, but many things. While the dead might walk, or not. They still walk, right now. Even if they should not be, not from outside, not like the movies, they walk, as dead. And maybe they will be the dead again, when they died the first time, maybe not. Is it all fiction or is it a game? Is this the truth I am telling? Only the words, the story of mine, only what I recieve or more to see. Not all might be so clear, so true. And then what is.

_ Written not thought, and still I thought, not lying here, but not for the most part – J.SYS


I just started to write after I paused the video at 43:50 to get my blanket.
It just hit me.


Now I finished watching it. It is more than a masterpiece, masterpieces, more than that. It is the truth, I feel it. And each day, I think I have seen it all, I see more. Therefor, I will see more and more each day, only when I think, I don’t see and when I die, I died for good. These words, they were much more than words, magic, love and wisdom pure. This might be the cure, for all the dead and yet to come, the ones who want to see, not stay. You want to see, I see it clear. If you have read the past till here. What all the others, they have written, what they have told me and us together. We all know, we all see, we all are free together. But it had to be, the way was necessary, while it was the horror and I was the horror, I was the mad man. The enemy within myself. Killing myself, hurting myself, making my woman go away. At first I told her, I will save her, will help her to survive, maybe I tried to, really wanted, but no, it didn’t work. I hurt her, more than any other, I hurt her and my mother. But why, why did I, did I do? The world which gave me stick and shoe. The world which made me, made me wrong, when each day there was the gong. The school which made me want to die, I started once, I couldn’t cry. No tears, no smile, just dead inside. The world were burning, it always did. When did I see, I saw it once, one time the first time, but I can’t remember. Now is, what makes me wounder, all these feelings these thoughts I had. As a kid before the horror, with the horror, I still had these dreams. These images, the believe in more. I washed it away, told it can’t be true, they say it isn’t, I have no clue. And now I see, what I saw before, my woman saw, but couldn’t tell, I am sorry, I really am.
What did I do to you. Oh how could they blind me, they all did together, they didn’t know, they don’t see more, maybe once, when they were little, maybe at night they do. But they think they dream, not see at all. Dreams are just dreams, just let them be, they say, they are pointless and yet they don’t. They don’t know what you dream, what you feel deep inside, only you, only I and we together. I believe I can survive, oh will I? Or will I stay all the same, just pretending to see, while I see? Will I tell me, I am dreaming, when I am living for once? I am here, I am feeling, all is real I can tell. I know what I know and I felt and still feel. My feet are dying and so do I. But will I, oh my… So powerful, so much more than I can take. And yet I do, I have to. It is my mission or is it yours? Am I the one to tell the truth? We all might be together, we can’t die all. Be with me and I am with you. All who love, who want to love, the true God, we never found and yet we did, but called it different. And now we go, not knowing what, and who we are to be. While God was never God we thought, but more and pure and easy though. You are God, and I am too, but not alone, not just like this. And we together are God as well, might even see him in the skies. Where ever the others might be, we found what we always thought to have, but never had, just called it names. Just called it God, what we had thought and then it was, never was. God isn’t a person, not man or woman. But more woman than man, I will suppose, the one we fought against too long, so we didn’t see, how all it was. If God you fight for and fight but against him, you only fight for what you think. And nothing what you think will grow, when there wasn’t a feeling deep below. Only then the thought will show, that you are worth it, maybe slow. The power is and will be seen, like never before it might have been. And yet I know, it could have happened, all before, already, all the time. And still today, the final tousand, will reveal what long was lost. What took so long, look what it cost. How could we, how could I. We all are lost, but when we see, we never will, never again. All hopes are high with us together, nothing is impossible. The legends were true, the miracles too. And all ancient rumors might had all a clue. But we got the stick and we got the shoe. The world gave us presents, we fell for, me too.


I finished the last episode of the second season and people I tell you, love. Just love.

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