Day 24 (until dawn)

The 11th episode of 13 reason why really hit me in my brain and heart.
It reminded me of what I did in the past of what I could have become and that I just hope I didn’t harm her too much. What I did, sure had an impact because it was really fucked up. All these crazy things. And I just tried to hide it, I supressed it. But it is still there and it is horrible. There could have been much worse things for sure. I could have become much worse. And it wasn’t too long ago that it still could have been like this. This is why I started to write about it, first only to my friend, first only little things only the surface until I got deeper and deeper into a mess, an evil madness, what even I didn’t recognize anymore. What I couldn’t understand, never wanted. There is no apology for this, while there can always be forgiveness.

The first time it hit me, I tried to kill myself the next day and I was about to do, just … I just couldn’t leave my friend, not like this. And now it is different, now I have found so many good things, so much love and peace inside of me and through all these things on YouTube, Netflix and my own music and writing. While it is different now, because I know I am probably nearer to the truth than ever before, at least in the last decade, maybe 15 years. The pure energy, the negative and the positive. They both are so powerful now, more than ever before. With only the positive I can almost fly, it felt as if it wasn’t just a dream, as if I may could really fly if it would be useful in some way, if it could help. But with the negative, the best I can is to think that I have to end it. I know it is not necessary, I am not what I could have become, a psychopathic serial killer, a rapist, a murderer, a pedophile, a stalker, a school shooter, (add more if you want, there sure was more, but this is just what comes to mind). And if you think, that I could never have become such things, you don’t know a thing about my secrets. At least I am not alone with them anymore. And actually in the forest I thought, it would be good when I would just tell everything, no secrets anymore, no lies, no hate for things I did in the past and things I thought, bad things. My life was full of madness. And I have to get rid of it, but I can’t just forget it, I can’t just talk about it. I have to let it out. I have to, otherwise I could be called by it, I could be haunted by it, others could hold it against me. As weird as it sounds, when I myself put it all out, no one can say something, while everyone can. From a rational thought, it would be the end, but then my rational thoughts always ended up leading me to more insanity. When I followed my heart, my true soul, I knew what was right and wrong. As I said, always think the worst of me, maybe it isn’t that worse after all, but if you can trust me or maybe just accept me, with all what I could have become, than you either understand, want to help or think that it can’t be that worse. If it is none of it, and you still trust me, I want to know more. In general, I would love to know more about you. But all I can get is a scared face, probably, if even.

And then I still could even forgive the devil. How? Tell me, how?
What am I, I am so many things, I could be so many things and in the end I am just a stranger. The devil, God? No I am not, but I have worlds inside of me. How should I explain? There is everything and nothing. And I like to be with my good side, I like to be the soul, the female, pure good hearted part of me. While there still is this evil around somewhere. The last weeks it shrink, it went silent more and more, the real evil, not the self hate and pain. And now I just feel the pain. I always see the worst in me, the best in me, see everything and nothing. I can understand everyone, while I like and hate myself. But I more and more love myself for what good is within me, for what good might come from it.

While I know that I don’t have to do things on my own, I had to most of the time. I was never completely alone, I always had friends in some way, but I could never talk to them about my feelings, about my fears and especially not about my problems. But last year I tried my last chance, my last friend I thought could handle it. And so far it goes… but I feel sorry for it. And I could never talk to a therapist about these things. All they thought about me, was that I am just a nice guy, nothing wrong with me. But I didn’t tell them what I was really worried about. So how should they know. I just thought, well this is it. No one will understand, I am just a monster.
But I was wrong, at least partially.

And there is so much love inside of me…
Now I could just walk back into the forest. The forest actually helped way more than I thought. I even heard the trees and no cars this time, maybe it were the trees most of the time, but I just hated these cars so much, that I could hear them. In the forest I could just trust in myself and in my understanding of God, God inside of me, all around me and maybe even up there in the stars. The universe inside me…

I just hope I really feel these things, I really experience these things, I hope it is real and not just an illusion. Everyone can be right, but I can’t be…
It would be easier to know for sure, either right or wrong. But then who should be able to do that. Others can only say what they think is right or wrong. What is it? And I am just broken, after all. I should probably just buy a forest somewhere in Russia an live there… I would only need a river or some water source nearby. All I need. And then I could make wood soup… yum. While in the forest I thought, I probably really should look forward on going to live in some forest. It is just so good there, these dark night walks were like drug trips without any drugs and even better because I always knew I was really there and I remember everything as far as possible from the enourmous amount of data.

I know how to believe. I can believe, but only when I can. Even now I can, but I can’t believe that I am the right one, that I can actually make what I can when I am in the forest. Just the whole walking without light, without sight, just… it is so sureal, while I know it was real. Sometimes I even had short light flashes or just things shining in the dark and often when I saw them I got slower and then there was a branch of the way for example or water or just a stone or something. But wouldn’t I have gotten this flash like light, I would have probably fallen over it or into it. But I couldn’t see it. As I said, believe it or not, I was there and this is what I experienced.

If I could just record everything while in the forest, all my thoughts, feelings and what I see. But then no, if I would have such an device, people would just abuse it for bad things. So you have to try it for yourself. Maybe for you it isn’t the dark forest, but don’t just do it because I did it now. It took me a while, I had to prepare, I didn’t just walk in there. So don’t just do anything, if you don’t feel it is right. For me, I just felt it was the right thing, while my brain said, this is strange, who does this? And my soul said: “I do. I am different, live with it.” (Well it was more a feeling, but in words it could have been like this)

Oh how this bad feeling is still hurting me. After I was in the forest it was gone, but now… Maybe Schubert can help me. I will go to bed I think or at least lay down on my bed for a while listening to it. It sounds positive. Maybe it can relax me a little. I just had a suicide attempt memory.
What a life. But I have to go through this now. In the forest I knew, in the forest it was easy, because I just knew it was right, just felt it to be good. And now … One day in the near future I will get the forest in my head or I will actually live in the forest, probably both. 😀 It really is just beyond everything I thought possible, before I just thought about things and now I just do it and it works. And I thought it couldn’t, while I felt it was right and possible. How strange, how strange.

Mental Myers over and out.

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