Day 24 (evening)

After I listened to Schubert I also listened to some of my own tracks and finally to Haydn’s “Farewell”. This one got me a little calmer, while the hurting feeling was still there but not as strong as before. At some point I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up again because my mother asked me something, I felt paralyzed. I coudn’t really speak or move, maybe I could but it felt so heavy. So I just replied with a “mhmm” or something.

And there was this feeling again, but now it was stronger again.
I tried to feel my heartbeat, I couldn’t get it. Not on my chest, not on my arm nor my throat, while this feeling got stronger. I thought, well now it is out.
Before I went to bed I showered and also in the shower my heart felt weird at one point, almost like a heart attack I thought. So after a while of lying there in my bed kinda paralyzed, I just started to move my left arm up and down over my belly and chest. I tried to breath and moved the arm again after a short break. Then after some minutes I felt a heart beat again. Man…
My lips felt cold and everything was dry and it felt all weird. I got some water and then the heart did hurt again. Sometimes it didn’t beat than a couple of random beats. And I fell asleep again at some point.

In the mean time the computers for some people I still have to help came.
So now I will configure them and prepare everything. At least if I will strong enough for that right now. This is just too heavy…
And by the way, my toes are still a little red. But no wounder when my heart stops beating from time to time.

This one watered my eyes.

In the town near by, just six years ago we had no therapists, as far as I know because I had to go to one in another town. Last time I looked at the building where a couple of doctors are, almost all floors where filled with some kind of mental therapists. There where more therapists than normal doctors, well…

But what did it help? A boy in the last year of secondary school still killed himself last year and the year before a woman know one expected. Families are broken… And her man was almost left alone because everyone seemed to hate or just avoid him. But he was also shocked and broken. People make mistakes, I did alot… Why are we so horrible? When we come to live, we aren’t like this, are we? I wasn’t, but it changed after I met the world. After I got in touch with other people.

What do these therapists bring? We don’t need someone to tell us that things are how they are, when they don’t. Life is different, strange and difficult, but when you trust yourself, it is easier. In the forest I knew, the two times I walked through it. I knew that it can be. Others make it seem difficult because they think they know best, while they do what they want or not even that and all are singing the same song: “It is how it is, we can’t change it.” – but we can and we should and we already do. But I think, we are too quiet, am I wrong? At least the real hope and the real “movement” is not really heared where it should be heared.

This young man could still live, if he just knew that it isn’t what they say.
And how many are dead inside the same way I was? And then what even was I? I was just broken…

The answers are inside of us, we know what to do, we know what is good, we know it all, we just can’t access it, while we feel alone. Together we are more than we could ever imagine or at least believe to be actually true.

Again water in my eyes.

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