Day 24 (late night)

Wow. That’s a heavy one! One of the best! :O

And still I want to die, because for what am I fighting if it is always wrong what I think? I am not fighting for left, not for right, of course. I am fighting for the left overs, while I leave myself behind, while I still want to die.

In the forest I am free, in the forest I am one, everything is possible, inside the dark forest, at night whithout any light. Without light, it is brighter than everything I can could imagine. It isn’t brighter, than daylight, while I only see darkness. It doesn’t feel like darkness, it feels like peace, it feels like life, how my life is, should be, walking through the darkness, without seeing, maybe only the next step if even, but walking as if it would be bright and all visible. Without my sight, I saw more, than with my flash light. Without daylight, without sight, I have seen it all, all inside of me, all around me.

If only I could show you, if only I could know whether it is just me, whether it is real and not “just” imagination. But imagination is also a form of thinking. So how can I share this with you, how can we be strong? When I am gone, I will only show that they won, if I go now. Tell me, show me, where I could go to proof my will and I will go there. But only when I can say what I will say, whatever it will be. I am nothing, I know nothing on my own. United we are everything and everything is within us. And I know it all sounds strange, mysterious, religous, maybe insane and sure not normal.
I will go, when this is what I have to do. Sometimes it is the only way, it seems. But not to just go, but to show, what you couldn’t while you were alive. And here I am, still breathing. Am I really brave or am I just about to burst, to die? I love you all. I wish I could give you a hug, could hug you all and I would wish to have a place where we who feel the same, could live, just live… Is it possible? – In the forest it is.

“We are the saviors!” – the real ones.
We speak for the truth, while God is not what you think, or maybe now you understand. You have to feel, don’t think, don’t think too much because it is different than you think. While your brain is just a tool, it shouldn’t use you, you should use it to make what you actually want – to be a savior. To live, to just live a life, a life without all these fakes, these regrets and bullshit. A life, a real life. Am I alone? No I am not. Are you alone? No. But still we feel because this world makes us feel alone, hopeless, full of fear, while we are the fearless, maybe not yet, but if we don’t face the fear, we can’t be fearless. It will always be there, but we can call it a friend.

Sorry people, I just want more than I can do alone and than I think I am alone, than I think it is all for nothing, but you always cheer me up.

Thank you! Thank you that you are all here with me. You might not have heared much about me, don’t know me. Maybe you already read all what I wrote, heared all my music. I am not here to be special, I am here to stay alive and to help you to find a life, so we can live a life, we all who want a real life. This really is too much to handle for one single mind, when I am in the forest I am not alone, while there is noone around, I just feel you all, feel all the good things we could make, we already did. We are all connected and yet we feel alone. Could I just visit you all, visit you in your dreams, visit you at home, at school, at work. Could I be there, just to make you feel less alone. I would do it. I really want to. Maybe I can, who knows. Maybe I don’t have to. What you read and what you see, not all of it has to be fiction, especially when it is fiction. A zero is a one from the side and Jesus is strong in the weak. We are the weak. Those who are actually more powerful then the rest, but we don’t know it yet. Even I don’t know what actually is possible. But I felt it, I felt that all is possible. What you think can be real. What you wish, can become true. We are Gods, while we are children and Gods children we are. God is within us and with him we can do anything.

But only if we understand that God is not what they tell us, not what it was for centuries. Maybe somewhere out in space, maybe the universe itself, what do I know, maybe there is what we knew, what we talked about, but we ourselves are like God, because when can do what God did. In many different ways. I am not a christian, I am not a religous man, I don’t want religion and I don’t want you to just believe me or to follow me blindly, you have to figure it out yourself, you have to feel it for yourself, I can just be there, help you, make you feel better. I am not special, I am no God, I am not a prophet or something, just a man, a broken man who started to see. And I am not even a man, just a soul, more a woman than a man and still both and none of it. All souls can feel, all souls can feel the same, but in a different way. We are born to learn, but over generations we just forgot, while some tried to understand. Are we at a breaking point? Yes we are.

Will it break us. Only God knows, only the universe and therefor whatever was what made us the way we are. However it was, however we started, how often we failed. Can we do it? We probably can’t save the world, can’t save everyone. But those who we can, what we can save, we have to try it.

Not just let it all burn because it already burns. Tell me when I should stop and I will. But this is what I feel, what I found and what I always knew somehow, while I never understood it until now. I made many mistakes, I have a lot I am ashamed of myself, but we all should be. We are all just humans, we make mistakes, it is only important how we feel about it. If we feel bad about it, we want the right thing, although we still do the wrong.

Only if you feel good about the wrong and it never changes, you don’t want to be good because you think you are better, while you might be the worst.
If you once felt pain or even felt nothing anymore because the pain got so big, you know it, you know the truth. It is within us.

If you think I know everything, if you think I have no idea. You are right.
I just want to let you know, what is in my mind, my heart. And if you should think that I can just do what I want, then I most say, I still just want to die. Not to just die, but because I can’t take it, the pain and the thought that I might be all wrong. I don’t want to lead anyone into misery or from one into the next. I am not here to lead, I am just here to open some eyes, maybe just two or three. But maybe it is enough. Like a chain… block chain… a chain against the pain. A chain for an anchor, a chain for a wrecking ball, a chain, a strong chain, while we might not know all of us, but we all are connected. We all feel what one feels.

Holy shit, I heared this song each time I walked through the forest, but didn’t know the name. Man… oh sister.