Day 23 (until dawn)

I watched the 8th episode of the second season 13 reasons why.
Why can I understand all of them? Why can I understand all the people?
Why can I understand everything but don’t get myself together?
And I know, maybe pills could help, but then I know that I just need peace, I just need freedom and a life I can live and I started it already. Please, only let me try.

I have the tools, I have the power, I have God, I have myself, I have feelings, I am whole, I have a soul, I have a heart, I have a life to be lived.

But do I really? I can even forgive the devil. Why can’t I feel good about myself? It is because I don’t want to pretend to be good, when I am not. And leaving people behind isn’t always good. I often do egoistic things, while I also accept pain for me, because I don’t want to harm other people. So I do both. And then I want to do nothing. I am pretty sure, that I am bipolar, but on the other hand. What does this even mean? I know it and still I am not sure whether I actually need medication or not. It is not about “I don’t need help, I don’t want help, no one can help me”, no it is about, what does it actually do? If it just does, what I already do on my own, listening to music, writing and all that, then what should it change? Only pushing chemicals.

When there is only this feeling to be wrong which makes you worry, which makes you feel wrong, which makes you want to die, which kills you until you are dead. Why is it that I have to feel to be wrong? It is less a feeling more a thought, but then it goes into a feeling because the thought makes me anxious, while I had a good feeling before. If I would just know, that I am right, I wouldn’t be sad. And now I hear more and more that I seem to be right, but still not really. So when I actually know what is good for me, than why is it that I can’t do it right? I think it is wrong. I still think I am wrong, when I am right, but then how should I be sure? I can only ask you, am I right? And then you might say, I need help. And then I say, but I alreayd have it, but you think I need something else. So who is right, are all the others right and I am never? Will this one stop or go on forever?

My poems scared, my poems helped me, they had more value for me now, than when I wrote them. Now all these years later, I understood, what back then I just wrote. I wrote to myself, but didn’t understand, or did I?

Moments in time, thought in a moment and time as nothing but numbers.

When I am writing, when I am watching, when I am thinking, when I am walking, when I am, there is no time. But when there is time, I never can be.
Time is my enemy, while I already defeated it. How can time be greater than me, when I don’t even pay attention to it? Without time, I am not, with time I can’t be. Therefor I never was, will ever be, but still I am. So I must be impossible, while the impossible is possible. A world is only made of thoughts, when the thoughts can shape the world. Otherwise the world is a stone, we throw away only to get hit by it from the back. Either killing or waking us.

When I was in elementary school a great teacher I had, once brought a book and I think she read the book to us. The book was about puppets. And there were puppets which got stars on them and other people sticking even more stars on them. And then there were many without stars, I think they even got something else sticked to them. But there was this one puppet boy. He wanted to understand, while he didn’t understand why it was how it was.
Somehow he found a puppet girl and she had no stars no other stickers on her. When people wanted to put some on her they didn’t stick, just fall down. They got into talking, he was curious about her and she told him that she don’t need these and also doesn’t let them affect her. She brought him to the puppet maker and soon he also had no need for stickers and they also didn’t affect him. They were just free to live the way they were meant to be, how the puppet maker made them. (I can only tell how the story is in my memory, so maybe it was a little bit different, but something like this for sure) And while this might be inspired by a christian idea of God, it is still true. As I said I always believed in God, but for me he, it, they, was different. And now I know more than ever, that God is no man nor woman, he is both and none of it. And he also isn’t at all or maybe everything. Call it universe, call it higher being, call it the master. I know its real, but it isn’t what you might think, what we often hear and thought they meant because they actually meant what we thought, because most of the people don’t understand and so didn’t I, while I already did. I just didn’t know I knew, so I started to force things. Or am I a liar? Sadly I am never really sure. But if I could make the world a better place through dying, I would die and if I can make it a better place through writing, I will write. But if everything I do is wrong, I might die or write, but I would stop at one point, when I am dead.

Thank you for reading, maybe it is even myself reading in future. Maybe I will write for myself, when I need it again. When I need proof for myself, to be right, when I don’t feel like, like I don’t feel right now.

Is it wrong to say I am right? And then others do it all the time. But each time when I did it, I wasn’t because I wanted to be right for once and when I said nothing I would have been right, but no one knew. And sometimes I say the opposite of what I actually want. So I develop as an enemy because I hate how I am. While I know, that I would love someone like me because I would trust them to do the right, while I don’t think I can. If I would meet myself on the street, I would tell me “Hey look, it is tough, we are not well, but we want the right. You are a good one, I am there for you. I just want you to feel safe. You can do what you want, don’t let others pull you down and overall, don’t do this to yourself. We both know better. Let me be your friend and I will show you, what life is all about.”

(What I just wrote brought water in my eyes again. Because I can’t believe that I would actually do that. I don’t believe it, but if it would be someone just like me, but not me, I could probably do it and still wouldn’t do it, or would I? I want to, I want to say everyone that we can do this together, but then I can’t say it to myself, or can I?)

Self therapy is working good so far, only that I I can’t tell myself to be right, can I? I mean I can, but then I would probably end up telling that I am right about everything, when I am probably not. I mean I can’t be sure and there are so many opinions out there, so many believes, so many people… how should I tell myself, you are right? How, when I always get told that it might be wrong, what I do. And then I do it all the time myself. When I was little I didn’t thought much about wrong or right. Things were solid in some way, I knew what I knew, I learned new things and based on that everything made sense and was true to me and I was right about it. I sure wasn’t always right, but when I wasn’t but thought I was, I simply learned by observing others, talking with others and so on. Some of it made me broken because I found out about talking what others want to hear was actually right, while it wasn’t. So it was right to me too and then I don’t even know what was first, me lying and hiding things or others showing me that it was a thing? What was first, the lie or the liar?

Is it scary for you, is it helping you? Is it teaching you?
Or am I just out of my mind? I know I can’t be on one hand, but I might be on the other hand. What is the difference between someone who breaks the silence and does it painful, but in the end it was the right thing to do – and a crazy one who thinks they do the same, while they are “just” crazy? Is there a difference? Well, sure, but tell me, what am I? I can see both, while I know that I am probably not crazy. And then it is hard when everyone has an opinion on you, while you / I don’t really know what is right and just what I think is right? When I ask myself, I know I am not crazy, but isn’t this what crazy people think? So there we are, what is right? I sure do wrong, most of the time. Not always because I want to, but sometimes because I want to just be alone some time, just get a relief, just take time off, but then there doesn’t seem to be an option because there are always things to do. And I would do them with ease, if I could get some time. At least this is what I think, what I believe, but then I think it might be all an illusion and it can’t really work, I am just broke and that I am again just lying to myself. What is right? No one can tell, but everyone knows, only I can’t say “I am right.” When I do, I am always wrong. Like a law, maybe not always, but it always looks like I am wrong. So I don’t even want to try to be right. I could be just wrong again. I better say hundred things wrong, knowing I am just wrong, than the thing I actually want to say because I think it is wrong. This doesn’t make any sense, but this is the paradox, the world I was in and I could get in again. I never really left this world, but I often walked to its borders, to see the actual things. And after all, it might all be an illusion. Just tell me, okay? I think I am wrong. I think I am right. But only when I say that I am wrong and that you better think the worst of me, I can at least say, this is probably right, than I am not always nice and not normal, and I was often wrong. At least in other people’s eyes. Who is right, when everyone is right? No one? Everyone? It can’t be everyone. I can’t be no one, can it be? But then it would be pointless, but it isn’t, I know it. Even if it would just be for ourselves. It isn’t pointless, there is a truth, and the path towards it, reveals it, bit by bit. Perspective…

Will I have time, will I give myself time?
Maybe I am almost at end of my “journey”, my story I should say.
If my heart is really in a condition I believe it is in, then I might not live many years anymore. Maybe I won’t even survive another year.
Who knows… a young woman died with 21 from a heart attack during a lung transplantation. So maybe, I have less time than I think, but actually what I always knew somehow. Maybe I don’t have much time. And then you say, just go to a doctor and everything will be fine, but you didn’t have my life. Each time when I went to a doctor I didn’t really got the help I needed, the doctor most of the time thought I had what he thought, but never really checked and I believed that he would be right, while I knew it can’t be just that. And then it wasn’t and I almost died once. It wasn’t his fault, because I didn’t told him the whole story, I never could and never did because I never trusted him. Why should I know better than a doctor, but I knew, while I didn’t actually know what exactly it was, I just knew it was something else.
And the same is the case with my heart. But then I am wrong, I am always wrong. How should I tell the difference, if the ones who should be right are wrong too? So everything is wrong, but I know this isn’t right. A strange world we live in.

I think I only onced search for Orphan black main theme and now I always get some of the ost recommeneded. So I actually sometimes search for things, but compared to the videos I add and already added, less than 1% are the result of an actual search. The rest was just recommened, or I somehow got there through spontanious comment channel searches.
So you could say I lied, but then is it a lie, when most of it was actually just recommened?

I think it is irrelevant because in here it isn’t about lying and pretending. It is about being as honest as possible and finding a solution, helping and just collection. Just enjoying the music, finding intersting informations, things which finally tell me that I was thinking the right thing, but no one did it around me. But still, I am not well, not fully because I could still be just thinking, still just thinking it is good, when I actually do it all wrong.

Only love, only a true friend can help you out or a therapist, who is good, who actually wants to help, but also doesn’t want to make it even worse.
Am I a therapist? When I was younger I sometimes thought, I could become one. Not in a professional way, but just like this. And then I thought, well probably I am just thinking this and then I might do totally wrong and don’t help people but actually make them feel worse. So I never really did something in that direction. I just wanted to fail my own life and not drag others down with me, while the might could need my help. No, I don’t want to harm others, but I could. And I could, I could do so much. So much more, pain, horror, love, help, peace, death. I could, I can, I am, so much more.

And then I am just telling myself that I am, but I end up being ignorant and arrogant, but then maybe I was it all along. Number game…

It feels as if I could be almost at the top of my mountain and then I think, I will probably just fall down again, I probably never really climbed it anyways. But then I feel, that I am almost at the end of my time, I am almost where I should be, but I just fall down. I will fall, but will I really?

The dark army marches to yet again take control. Forget me.
Love me and take me away, but forget me, sooner the better.

On the other side I know exactly that what I am writing, is dangerous.
I know it, that is why I am writing it, but then I know what helps, but it is what seems wrong. Why is it that it has to be the way, they say. Therefor, no matter what, would I be sane or insane, I would be wrong. therefor I can’t tell the difference, therefor I might be what is the worst. Don’t think it is the good thing, don’t think I am a hero, don’t think I am a good person, when you only know what I tell you. And even when what I tell you seems to show that I must be good, how can you tell, you aren’t me? And then I know that I wanted good, but maybe not anymore. Not always. Maybe medication would help, maybe not at all. The source of all problems is in my past, in the present, in the future, in the things I did, in the things others did. But most of it is my fault, I didn’t trust myself. And I couldn’t really talk with anyone until it was too late. While I talked with my mother all the time and still not about everything. Still not about all things and she couldn’t help me, the clinic couldn’t help me. Because I couldn’t talk. And because when I feel good, I want to feel good. But then when is it that I feel good? I know, when I cry and smile throughout my soul. In the dark forest and now when I hear something deep that hits me.

There is hope, there always is, but I always think the worst of me and so should you, then it is better to think the worst, so it is no suprise, when it is true and if not, then a relief. But I assure you, I don’t want to harm anyone, not anymore. (This is what one says, who does it.)

This is the bipolar downspiral, or whatever it is. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I think many things are possible because I always do. But some are stronger, but until last year, I didn’t follow them because I thought it would be wrong, just thoughts. Don’t other people often say that, I sure got these things to hear. So I believed them and thought I couldn’t do it. No music, no author, no helping, no better world, nothing. I am a total lie until last year and now I try to “unlie” myself, to reveal what I always knew and I found it and find it again. I am this guy who will think he is right, while he thinks he is wrong, but as soon forces himself to say “this is right”, it is wrong. So therefor I might be wrong all the time.

(Man, you are always talking about the same shit, over and over. I don’t have time for this. Search for someone else to read this shit, okay or just get some help. Get some pills and stay quiet, we already have enough people talking about their problems, don’t just add to it.)

Sorry for stealing your time, you don’t have to read. It is just for me and for those who want to read. If you don’t want, you don’t have to.
There is hope somewhere, but it wants to hide again. What is normal, for someone who was always different? Is it normal for me to be the way I am, or am I even wrong for a different one? Wrong.

They will conquer the world, the did it once, they did it twice, a third time even, they did it many times in different ways. Who should stop them.

I am just a single soul. They will just run me over.

What they all have in common, they look cool, they look good, they build great things, but in the end they kill you or let you die.
You are nothing for them, just a sheep for the cause, another dead body.

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