Day 23 (evening)

I have so much going on. I had so many dreams today and I wanted to write something, but I forgot what it was.

As Bukowski once said, in a different way, the best writings are those never written. Or something like that. Or the best ideas.

Ah I think there it is again.

If you can’t believe in God, you are on the right path.
If you can’t believe in the ways of religions and system, we understand each other.
If you want truth, no fake, if you want a real world, a real life, we are one.
So, when I write, I believe in God, it is not what you think it is.
It isn’t a God you find in church nor in any other religious house. Sometimes maybe, but most of the time you don’t. And it also isn’t the devil. But even the devil can be my guest, if he should feel bad, feel sorry. I don’t know what you think I mean with God, but from this you should understand, that it is something different than most people mean, when they say God.

And well, these Triarii tracks are pretty strange. At first I just thought, well there is someone interested in romans, but then I read some comments under these videos and well, I guess they are from the nationalism side of politics. Maybe not the “only my country” part, but they clearly have a strange view, a radical view. And I just listened to these tracks because of the romans and as motivation to not be like them. Hitler was like them, not in every detail, but there were many similarities. And so, you could see these Triarii tracks or at least what people do with them (because I don’t know what the creator actually believes or thinks), as some kind of enemy research. Because an enemy could become a friend. And we often have more in common than we think, but also many things we can’t agree about.
Why can’t we solve these things in peace… why can’t we be real. But then, some people are and it is scary, how real. But are they really?

How can I fall for wrong things? But then, who doesn’t sometimes?
Especially when we are good hearted, we sometimes don’t want to see what we know. We can’t, it destroys us, so somtimes we think, no it isn’t like this, no, but then it might be even worse from what we tried to hide from.

If there is someone telling people, God is dead, I might agree, but only to a point. Because I agree that the God most people talk about is dead, maybe never even existed. And still there is something more. Maybe this was what they were trying to tell, but when I was younger I just read and heard that they were telling that there is no God. And then, maybe they were on to something we just discovered to be true in some way, that we are more than we thought, than we think. We can do more, we do more right now, while me not even notice it. We are one, in some way, maybe two, but we aren’t what we got told. Maybe now it is more true what science said than before, but not what science says and what religous people say. We are different and still alike, but not as they told us, or am I wrong?

When I woke up today even my right hand felt a little weird, a little sleepy.
And I also often felt bed, dry and “blood empty” after waking up. I bet my heart is dying and so am I, while now more than ever I know I could live forever (in some way). I don’t want to live forever on this world, never, not like this. But maybe there is more and it is actually how I imagined it and how I thought it would be. Just amazing and not just one thing, not just a heaven. A whole universe. But who am I to say what is right or wrong. I can’t even believe myself, got myself to hate myself, got myself to not trust in me, got myself to be stupid in some way, broken. Who am I?

I am not Jesus, I am not God, I am not the devil, I am not the Antichrist, I might not even be a good friend, I might not even be a friend, but then I am, I want to help. I am not man nor woman, while I am a man and I often feel like a woman, but I also feel like a man, therefor I am a soul. A soul has no gender, not for me. Maybe for you, but maybe I am wrong. Always see the worst in me, maybe it is right, if not I might be a good guy, but who knows, I would say I maybe was it when I was a kid, now I am not good anymore. I still look good, but inside I am a monster.

And you think, how can you say you would forgive the devil if not even God can forgive him (in the context of religion and believes)?

I am not sure about it, but maybe if you look on it from a different perspective than all these tousands of years we exist, maybe ten tousands maybe a million years, whatever, our whole progress, process as a humanity looks like the process a mind has when it fights with problems, with fears and against itself. Now we have the chance to finally break free.

But there is this possibility to fall over on the other side. The opposite from religion isn’t science. They both are some kind of believe system. One should be based on facts, but isn’t always or the facts are interpreted wrong. The other is maybe not always based on clear facts, but has a very interesting story, when you look at it from the side, from a whole new perspecitve. Remember, a zero is a one, when you look at it from the side.
But we would never say, they are the same, would we?

“Holy shit!”

*Looks around irritated*

They are watching, I knew it. xD
This is just wow again. “What a world we live in.”


(Dream log)

(First sequence)

My first dream sequence I remember was about some kind of driving school, but it was very very strange. There was a big black bus, but at first it looked like one of these post transporters like UPS. Inside it was a bus.

And I should get in there with some other people. But someone said I should drive and I refused, because I can’t drive a bus nor a truck. I am glad I got my driving license, so yeah. The bus-truck thing was just somewhere on a street in the middle of a town I think. There were some houses and it looked like a newer street, not long ago it got renewed.

(Second sequence)

I was in some kind of asylum it seemed.
There was a weird looking woman.
I don’t know what her face looked like, but she had dark hair, probably black and she was an old woman for sure.
But I don’t know what I did there, whether we talked or not.
It just visited her and then I left again.

(Third sequence)

It was like a game. I had an ongoing siege on a castle, but it seemed to be in real life or just very realistic, but everything was just painted and the castle actually was only maybe 1 – 2 meters high and only a painting on some paper or wood. And there were paper soldiers attacking. Then the siege was over, we won.

I walked through the castle, but now the castle was not just a painting (or was I actually in front of the painting the whole time?) and I tried to plant wheat randomly. There also were some fences, with two boards or poles in line with the bottom made out of wood (basic fences).

(Fourth sequence)

After I woke up once I fell asleep again.
Then I dreamed to be at home, but everything was pretty dark.
And it actually didn’t look my home at all. Everywhere was garbage, on the tables and also some on the ground. Most windows were shut. And then at some point I realized that I must be dreaming. Then I thought, well now what. What do I do? And I think before I really figured something out I heard people outside talking. So I went to one of the windows and looked outside. There really were some people from the company next to my house.

When I went away again I noticed that everything was all wet on the floor. I realized that I peed the whole time. And it still went on. I ran to the toilet (all still in my dream, so don’t get confused), but it was already too late and not much came out because the whole floor was wet already. How could that be? And I don’t remember when it exactly ended, but then I actually woke up.

I quickly looked on my trousers and the bed, but everything was fine.
But just in case I went to the toilet. And outside where really people talking, so they got in my dream. Just weird. But I guess I had to go to the toilet.
It was a reflection on what my “real” world outside of my room, outside of my head looks like for me. It isn’t like this, but it feels like this and sometimes it actually was like this. Perspective man…

(Dream log over)

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