Day 22 (late evening)

Today I dreamed about a conversation I would probably have tomorrow or at least next week some time. When I woke up I thought everything was already done and talked about, but then I realized, that it was just a dream.

Strange feeling, but not the first time I had such a dream. And this one was positive. In the past I often had dreams about coming late to school and failing a test or something, but the actual event was on the next day or next week. And I woke up as if it already happened. I even didn’t know which day it was and thought it would be a different day one time. Dreams man…

But well most times, the dreams which were like this, didn’t come to reality or at least not exactly like the dream. But still a strange feeling. Compared with many Dejavu experiences I was pretty confused in secondary school or even some years after when I went to a technical school, even last year. So I always have them. Maybe it is just stress, maybe something else. But there sure is more to it. And for me it isn’t just stress. For me these events show me that I have to change something. Sometimes they felt good, but most of the time these moments felt bad. And according to these feelings I just knew that something had to change, when it was a bad feeling. I just didn’t know how or what and didn’t trust myself.

Now that I walked some hours through a dark forest not long after midnight, without fear and even peace in mind, I know that all is within me.

God, the universe, the answers to my questions. And it might not be within me, like in a physical or biological way, but I can access it through myself. Connect myself with a source which is higher than we all. I just call it God, because I am used to it like this. But it is a totally different God than we read or hear for example in religous writings or from people talking about it.

Not all is wrong, there is always a truth within everything, this is what I believe. So even a complete fictional movie, might be holding more truth than what we know is true right now. Compared to the past, people in the past, except for some people like Davinci, would have called todays technology the devils work (and some still do that today), black magic.
But maybe it could become God’s work or even is. Only we humans think, it was us who created it. The concept of God from my perspective is very complex. I believe that there might exists a being out there in space, which caused our life. Which could have created us, but in a complex way, and different from what you might think. Call it an alien if you want, but I don’t just believe in aliens. I just believe that there must be other beings out there and they can be good or evil or just like us. And that maybe there was a species like us somewhere among the stars which somehow created out solar system. But it all could of course be totally different. I don’t want to point on things like this and call them truth or the only truth.

For me, God is within us, so a part of each of us, while we aren’t it.
Like a swarm of fishes. They are individual beings, but have this bigger connection which can unite them as one big thing, even scaring enmies sometimes, while alone they would be nothing.

So I wouldn’t say that someone alone can be God or a God, we aren’t God and I also don’t say that all humans are acting as God. This is just wrong because when you look on all the horror and evil things we do, this would just be wrong. These people decide to follow an evil “God”, the devil you could call it. But I am not talking about things like actual beings at the moment. I think we humans have two kinds of superior beings within us as species and one is the good one and one is the bad one. And what we also can feel within us, for ourselves as voices or feelings is also out there in a bigger thing affecting us all. So this is one thing and this alone is were complex and interesting, but then I also believe that it actually is possible that there might be beings like the devil and god, out there or even on earth, at the same time. But this is not about religion, or what I want you to believe. You can believe what you want, as long as you don’t start to kill other people if they don’t and so on, if you know what I mean.

And while I could be totally wrong, it just felt right to me. So it might be wrong, and if so, well then it is how it is. But at least this time and can trust myself and believe it. So for some people this is different or they think it has to be seen in their way. But maybe we often do the same things, just in a different way. One paints an image like this, one like this, but they all paint.

So they are all right about painting, but each of them paints in his own way. But then there are these who let others paint for them and just take it and say “This is mine!”, and they doesn’t know how to paint, so they use others to paint for them. If they would know that painting themselves would be so much better, we all would paint. They just think they can’t or don’t want to.

Concepts, rules and thoughts on how things have to be or how things are, these things either destroy and divide or they connect and unite. Decide for yourself, whether you want to paint or be like the ones who don’t. If you don’t feel like any of them, you want to paint, you just don’t know yet that you can.

It is true that I always had good days, maybe even days when I could feel happy. I sure wasn’t depressed all the time. But in my back always was depression waiting, holding me back to really feel.

To say I just had bad times, bad days only dark thoughts would be wrong.
But otherwise I probably wouldn’t be alive anymore for some years.
And often people like you, who just got in contact with me, or just noticed me, helped me to stay alive. I was a robot for many years, so that I wouldn’t feel too bad, or too happy. Feelings are wounderful, if they are positive, but when you always feel pain, fear and depressed, it is just hell. So I stopped feeling most of the time, to a point where I couldn’t really laugh most of the time, couldn’t really cry, even when I wanted to. It just didn’t work.

And still, I always had good days at some point. Maybe in a school break, talking with someone I just met, going somewhere I wasn’t before. Such things. And there were more bad days than good days, but without the good ones, without the good people I sometimes met, in the internet or in school, I would be here anymore. For those who don’t have people at all, I can say, that eventhough I sometimes had people I had a good time, I never talked with them about the things I thought about. I didn’t because I feared rejection, I feared laughter, pain and mobbing or just that they won’t understand. Leaving me alone, while I wasn’t alone all the time. I sometimes thought I found people to talk with, but then I figured out, that they didn’t really understand. And maybe there were people I didn’t talked to at all, but we could have been best friends, we just didn’t really talk or didn’t talk at all. I feel bad for it, for leaving these people behind, but I felt alone even with them, while they might have felt alone as well, but not with me. I feel sorry for letting them down, leaving them. But they found new friends or other ways, as far as I heard from some of them.

I was so alone during the whole school time and then later at work, no one seemed to really understand or they all just played a role, I never really knew what was the case. But I just assumed, that most of them were playing a role, but just because they had other things they didn’t want to talk about or people to know. So they wouldn’t understand me as well, I thought. But I got suprised, when I opened up to my trusted one. We never really had too deep conversations before and I had a totally different build at first, but I knew we had things in common and both not the most social ones, so I just risked it. The best decision in my life, but it isn’t always like this, I had other people before. They didn’t really understand, so I lost this hope that talking would help because it never helped. And I still can’t really talk about everything, but it is getting better. Writing was my key to things out.

I will probably never get rid of the suicidal thoughts, they are just a part of me now, at least still to this point. When you had them for over a decade, it is difficult to not have them, if you understand what I mean. It is just a part of your daily routine in some way, the brain is focused on it. Maybe not on suicide, but on not wanting to be here, not like this. And it actually is a good feeling, when you realize that it is actually life you want. But that it isn’t there, so you are like this, because you want more, you want real things, not just this plastic fake shit.

And then you might think, well but this is not possible. It never worked, look into the history, look outside the window, it won’t get better, only worse. Yes, probably and this is why we don’t have to try to save the world, at least not us. But save what we can. Is it a local forest, will it be a school for people without money, a local market society, an autonomous group somewhere. There are many things, we can do or helping with and people would be happy for any help they can get. If you don’t want to live, you want to really live a life, not what they tell life means. So you could live, by helping others to live and therefor you live if you love what you do. I don’t know what YOU love to do, it is your thing, your feeling, but I would like to help you where I can, if I can. And if it is just my existence, that I would want to help if I could, what keeps you going. We are more than we think.
Just all the lifeforms out there, the plants, the animals, all of it is just there, even our own body and mind, our soul (if you believe in souls) are just masterpieces. But because we tend to think, that everything has to be the same or perfect in some way, we don’t see the real perfection. Someone dying is sad, but it shouldn’t be sad, at least not always. If people get killed by horrible crimes or dictaros and such, it is more than sad, it is horrible, not understandable, of course, but sometimes a young life has to end, to inspire others to do things before theirs end as well. It is sad, but wouldn’t it be more sad, when all people would live a life they never wanted and just die like this? If one dies, for them, it might be sad and painful, but especially when it is hard, try to see what good might happen, could happen. Especially when it is hard or hopeless.

(This is very strange and critical, I know. Please don’t do anything you regret, or you don’t really want as I said, those who want to die, actually want to really live!)

And again, I am feeling strange, feeling a little bad because I think, this could be taken out of context or that people don’t understand what I am trying to tell. Maybe even understand the opposite.
I want people to live, I want actual life and I don’t want violence. I am against a rebellion or revolution with weapons or in general a violent movement or action. As one once said with other words: “Don’t be to harsh towards your enemies, don’t do everything you can to make them suffer, maybe they could become friends or allies later on.” (in different words from some important being)

So if we all should die or get in prison, for doing good things, for helping, caring and making actual change. Then it happens.
But killing people who don’t understand yet, or maybe don’t want to at all, doesn’t make what we do in any way better than them.
“Never force anything.” – Alan Watts

We don’t have to let us beat up by people and such things, we can defend ourselves. But we don’t have to attack people with weapons. I mean if you get into an important computer system somehow and you know things which could help, what should I say. But holding a gun on someones head is not a good thing to do. This said, the situation in which it might happen, should at least not be planned like this or has as result, people getting killed willingly. If you are a cop and you kill a bank robber, but you just wanted to stop him, or to rescue other people, but you didn’t want to just kill this guy, it is something else. And this taken out of context can be very misinterpreted.

(Look I killed this guy, he wanted to kill me, I did the right thing.)
(But sir, he didn’t even have a gun.)
(But I thought he has one, these gang people always have guns.)
(But he wasn’t in a gang, he was a rightous citizen.)
(He had a gun, when I saw him.)

About that… I hope you understand what I meant. Killing someone should always be the thing to avoid. But if you did it because it really seemed to be the only option to save other people and you didn’t want to kill someone. It can be forgiven, if it hurts you. Good people don’t want to kill people. We often say such things, we even want to kill ourselves, but because we can’t understand how this broken world is working. We often think we are the ones who are wrong, who are broken and sometimes we get broken because of all this broken things. The ones who think they are always right, are probably the ones who are often wrong, but because they all support each other in some way, they don’t know they are because the tell eachother that they are right. And we don’t understand, so we are wrong, while we could be actually right. Just because everyone has a different opinion than you, doesn’t mean yours is wrong. Especially when they all seem to have the same in some way. Maybe yours is more interesting and should be investigated, but then they just call it wrong and you a fool or crazy.

It depends on perspective. If you think everyone is wrong and you are right, you have the answers and you know everything better, than you are probably also wrong, even though you don’t think what most think or do what most do. But it is this what is strange. That we, who actually could be right, feel wrong, get called wrong and those who are seemed to be right, even if they are wrong as well, when it comes to society.

Difficult, everything is difficult. But going on the street and giving an old man a bread and water, isn’t, maybe even invite him for an actual meal.
The act isn’t difficult, the feeling is, this “what will they think”. But then, what will we think, about us? We think we are worth nothing, while we might be more important than we will ever know.

I am the best example for many things and I could be this guy who is not what he seems to be. I don’t know really what I am. But I am not always honest, I often lied, to friends, to family and over all to myself. Therefor I am a liar and I hate what I have become. So you could say, well than is everything a lie? Maybe it is, maybe our whole reality is a lie. And I am the biggest of it all. When I say I care about you, I mean it. I just can’t always show it how others can. Maybe I even hurt you and at worst, leave you at some point. I am far from perfect, I still just discovered to be not completely insane, so yeah, hello, I am J.SYS, a broken soul. Welcome in my world. 🙂

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