Day 22 (first hours)

This TED talks man. They always say, what I think. Just thankful, that I may know things others don’t know about. But I just know these things from my perspective and have no proof, so no one listens and I myself believe I am wrong, while I actually might really know more than most.

It is strange to be stupid and highly intelligent at the same time.
My self manipulation was too good, the other people were successful, I was successful, but only to a point. And now I am glad, I didn’t finish the job.

I have a mission, for many years now. But only during the last weeks, I really thought it could be possible. After I was about to end my life, I learned what I knew all the time.

I read some of my old poems again, some I wrote during my last school year in secondary school. And man, it hit me in the gut. I knew it all. I even predicted my future without knowing. Back then I am not sure whether I actually read my own poems like that. I think I wrote most of them without really knowing why or how. I just wrote them. The same way I make music now. The same way I write right now. I think, I write, but I don’t plan to do so. It just happens. Some things may be planned, were planned, but not all of it. The best things, are those without a plan.

These days I thought about a quote I sometimes read while playing “Medieval II Total War”. It was about luck as the result of planning.
And I didn’t really understand how this was meant, but I think, at least for me, I found out what it means for me. While I don’t plan what I think is right, I actually plan what is right, without doing so, which results in luck, but it isn’t real luck. I am just following the path I was meant to walk.

Well, my gut is hurting for around an hour now.
I am not really sure why, but am between joy and fear.
I have a gift and I actually wrote my future self, I wrote me, the one writing now. I knew it all, I don’t know whether I read my own writings, I don’t think I believed in them, believed a word I wrote. But if I wouldn’t know it was me, I would say, this guy knows what is up. He might sometimes wrote in a cryptic way or even what he didn’t really think, but I know why he wrote it. So I know, he was right. Man this is fucked up.

I am glad I have read some of them again and I will make them available again very soon. I even thought about translating them into english, for all the people out there. At least the knows which matter to me most and actually made me think and feel. Man, I am a reciever.

I just hope this is the right thing to do, but then it can’t be worse than killing myself after all of this. So I really want to help, I really want to make a change. I have to stick to the spontanious night walks, to my thought about walking through the streets, wearing words, images, showing what I mean.

They say you can’t just make music, you can’t just write, you can’t just say these things. You don’t do what you say. But if I wouldn’t say a word, would it make a change, a better world? If the only thing I can is writing, why should I not write?

People man, people, I love them all and then I hate how they have become…
My gut feeling is killing me, holy shit why is it hurting so much?

(He probably just needs some food and makes a whole drama out of it. Or a “this is a spiritual experience”, don’t do drugs kid)

You are probably right, I need something to eat.
When I am in my flow, in my state of mind, when I am connected with everything, I forget my body. It is nothing special. But, just let me be…

Yep, I should probably eat and more than eating, I need some fresh water.
I will continue 13 Reasons why. And please don’t compare me to it. Please don’t think I am what I watch. Sure it inspires, but most of the time I see myself in it and not the other way around. It represents things I thought and I don’t think what it tells me. Sure thing, sometimes things shape my thoughts, but don’t things shape yours?


You are God

I am no brainless sheep which does everything they say,
I just forced myself to it because I thought it was the only way.
I am all of it and nothing. We are one and still separete.
You are the master. And I am the servant.
Stay with me, we are the breaking point, we will make it all pay out.
Be it quiet, be it loud.
Make the windows burst, without breaking them.
We are God, God is within us, while he is watching from above.
Not only one thing is possible at the same time.
Think out of the box and borders,
and recieve your real orders.
Change the world, change the world!
God is within us!

– J.SYS


After this episode the feeling even seemed to intensify and eating did help a little at first, but it is good in some way, while it hurts.

I think I have to again go into the forest now.

Let’s see what I will tell you later. 🙂

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