Day 22 (late night)

I know I can write a lot, but when it comes to books, I still like I don’t know what I am doing. When it comes to this I don’t know what I actually write sometimes. I wouldn’t say that I am a great author, I wouldn’t even say that I am an author at all. Because when it comes to the right words, I often get the wrongs out, leaving it all like a mess or a totally wrong image of what I actually wanted to say.

So I could just not write, but then what would change? Nothing would be better, not for me, not for you. So why should I stop, tell me?
Only if it really is all wrong, I will, maybe for ever. I could always go, but not because of you, because I can’t take this pain, this insanity in this world any longer. That you have to believe you are this, when you are that and that you have to act like this and you can’t do things you might do better than others, but you don’t know and they don’t know, so you don’t do them.

And right now, I could just go again. Because I think I will only fuck up next week. Will make things worse again. Will only cause more trouble than I already did. Did I really want to do all of this? Am I really who I think I am?

Maybe I will just leave and leave it all behind. But then I would leave you alone… I can’t leave you alone. Why can’t we just live the way we want? We just want to be happy, a little save, not always broken, not always dead inside. NOT DESTROYING. We are creators, but we destroy ourselves and then I might just be a liar, a fool, no one should listen, should read about.

My body at least prepared for death for a long time now.
My toes are all red and some are even turgil. I guess my heart really is too weak to get blood down there. I already wrote about the purple nails and cold after eating or while eating and just sometimes randomly. And now I think my feet are just done, like my heart. But please, I don’t want to get another heart or any help, only if I would know, that I actually can do some things just right.

The only things I felt good about so far, where things I had no idea on how I actually did them. So I can tell, whether I could do these things forever or just to a point and then I would be lost again. Maybe it is all just a weird sardistic play and no one told me about it, until I think I am over it, just to make me the biggest fool of all. Whatever you think about me, I am not happy, I don’t feel save and I don’t think that I can do everything. I as a single human being, don’t know much, don’t trust much and don’t do much, even do many things wrong. Only when I am with “god”, the higher being, whatever it is, is it just my better me or even some much bigger as I wrote.

When I was alone in the dark forest, I knew it was real, I knew it all made sense and it all was easy and good, except the emptiness of the forest.
But now I am just me again, the little child, which never really thought it was right or doing right. When I am just me, I can still just go, despite all I know, experienced, all the other people in my life or maybe because of them. It is strange, it is not easy to understand for others, but maybe you do.
Maybe I do. I am just so confused, so overwhelmed, that I can’t tell whether I am just getting better in a strange way, or actually doing worse.

If I would know for sure, that what I do would be good and what I want to, than I would be sure about it one hundred percent.

And then I know it gets better, but it might just be illusion. You know…

If I would know for sure, that I wouldn’t harm you more instead of helping you, than I would know I should just go, but then it could be the opposite.

This uneasy feeling is good and bad at the same time. I know that life is strange and if I would know that it all would work out, what would be the point? Otherwise, then I could give hope, but also seem crazy for real.

Last night I just wanted to sleep on this bench in the middle of the forest.
It was so calm and peaceful out there. The best thing I did in a long time.
As strange as it sounds, walking through a dark forest without a light, was making me feel safe. As soon as I got out this feeling got a little bit weaker, but I still was in peace when I got to bed this morning.
Now I just hope to not fall down all the stairs by tomorrow. I already see it coming… Please don’t…

Well, not like this, but also like this, in another light.
Not as the opposite of evil, not as the evil telling lies about the light, as the light itself, in peace we rise.

Why just don’t I pull it? I prepared for it this long… maybe I already pulled it and now I just see what I could have got. Like the life passing in front of you before you die. Maybe I am dead for real, I only just didn’t die yet, die fully.


O_O same age, not the same story, but many similarities
Interesting thing… I started programming when I was in secondary school. But after some time I just thought well many people do and I also didn’t really do useful things for others most of the time, so I did less and less… As I said, I had it all, but I gave it away, or did I?

Maybe it is just the beginning after all… who knows. It feels like the end and a new beginning, but not in a way you might think. Both is true for me, both possible. But only one thing can be in this world, but I am not sure about which on it is. Maybe only one survives, nothing.

Maaaan, wow. :O

Sometimes I feel I might feel all the people on the planet, sometimes that I might feel like Jesus must have felt, whether he was real or not. For me he is real and I believe it should matter to you. Not in a religous way, so to say.

I assure you, I don’t search for these I just sometimes decide to click on them or not or to go into comments and find new channels. But I do what I hear is write, after I already did it. Just wow.