Day 21 (until dawn)

We could need something for being skinny around here…
Actually about hurting your own feelings, maybe even your own body.
But yes, the darkness is our friend.

Tonight just between midnight and one in the morning, I went outside.
There was fog everywhere. I walked towards the wood and right in front of the forest I lay down on the wood road and looked up into the sky, still surounded by fog. It was really cold, but just looked up there, on my back for some minutes.

Then I got up again and the fog was gone. So I walked into the forest and followed one of the usual roads to walk a while. Man, the forest just felt so dead. Not a single noise, I even heard cars from far away and a plane. Not a single anmial. Maybe there were all sleeping or just hiding. But it felt as if the whole forest was just dying, empty, liveless. And I walked for a while. The road seemed so long, didn’t remember it to take so long, but I continued.

I felt save in the dark forest, as weird as it sounds. I was only kinda sad, that I didn’t hear at least an owl or something. I mean what kind of forest makes no noise at all, after walking up 30 minutes through?

“Familiar faces” came into mind, “Life is strange” and some other songs, like “Zombie”, while I just walked down a small neverending road through a dark forest around 1 AM. I only feared to ran over a boar maybe, but as I wrote, no noise at all, no animal, nothing. Even some trees were broken from the storm this week.

I felt so horrible for the forest, the animals, the trees. Almost all the time I heard at least a single car somewhere on the main road. Oh how I hate those cars. Around here, it doesn’t work without, but I just hate that not even at night there is peace, while I am actually living in a small village.
Back in the old days, I don’t think it was like this, but well, I wasn’t outside this late back then, before I me moved to the town.

When I got out of the forest again, I wasn’t sure whether I got out on the right road and it was all foggy outside again. There forest even felt more save now. I could see a light in the distant and I heard a dog barking.

The first sound exept, it wasn’t a forest animal. I hate dogs… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate all dogs, but in general I don’t like dogs. Probably because I often had problems with dogs barking towards me. At least these really big fluffy ones are cute. They are just so peaceful.

It took me a while to figure out whether I was right or on a wrong road and at first all seemed strange and unfamiliar, like a parallel universe, a darker parallel universe. And I only heard some barking in the distant, but I walked towards the lights.

After a while, which was feeling like forever, I finally got to the village again. And as soon as I reached the first houses, I got scared. The lights were all out and no people around, but I just feard a car could pass by or something like this. Luckily nothing happened, but I heard some cars on other roads nearby all the time. Fucking cars… Not even at night I can get peace in mind out in the woods… A dead forest, at least tonight it felt like one. I somehow made peace or at least ceasefire with my darkness and it actually felt saved, felt more secure and nicer than the lights of the village, the possibility, to be not alone, to be watched.

It is the third time at least, that I walked through the dark forest part at night and I also walked near the forest at night, passing by the cemetery.
I mean, while I must admit, that I sure was a little scared each time, the fear got less each time, so that I even this night felt much saver in the big dark forest, than in the village. Strange, but true. I might become a nightly forest walker. Next time I sure have to get some warmer clothes. The jacket and the sweatshirts I just had weren’t really this warm. The water even froze in some parts, so I didn’t just imagine the freezing temperatures. My toes are all red now and I almost couldn’t move my fingers when I got home again, but it was totally worth it.

But I am not so sure about my toes, they don’t look to well. We will see tomorrow. And I should also add, that I didn’t sleep since yesterday. So yeah, thank you heart for still pounding. Sometimes I want you to stop, sometimes I want you to beat. Just thank you for not letting me down so far.

I am asking myself right now, since when did darkness become my actual friend? I just couldn’t really reach it most of the time, nor could I reach happyness or just something real good. I was in the middle, dead inside, but it just wasn’t bad nor good, just dead, just like a machine. But now I think I firsrt have to really make peace with my darkness, actually let it be a part of me. The darkness inside, the darkness outside. The light will never be my friend, if I can’t be a friend of its sister darkness. (When you feel good about being in your darkness. Just weird to write about it)

Ying and Yang, positive and negative energy. Easy sad, for a “lead” atom.

Jesus could only be the one he was because he had all the darkness of world upon his shoulders, all the dark things, her never wanted.
People wanted him to be dead and most of his followers turned their back on him, even wanted him to be dead as well. But he wasn’t supposed to survive. He had to die, but sometimes I think, why did he die? It didn’t seem to really help, to make a change. History repeats, people are killing each other and Jesus died all for nothing, it seems. But at least, I know how he must have felt, you might know it and many other people like us.

We feel this hate, this darkness in the world, the fake and the shiny, all lies it seems. Not everything is dark thought, not all is lost, Jesus knew because he died for us, for us who suffer, to show us love and respect and he came back. At least this is what the bible says. And although I don’t like christianity or these fanatical and old believes, Jesus was also a part of my life because I knew he was different. I knew it because I didn’t see people act like him, just telling stories about him. He just wanted to help some people and got killed for it.

Call it what you want, believe what you want. I am clearly not trying to convince you to become a christian or something similar, I am done with religon, done for a long time now. I only couldn’t really break free from its fangs, the past and all the relations towards it. For me, I believe and have always believed in a higher being, something greater, better than us and that Jesus was real and different than most christians act. They all have no idea who or what Jesus was, they just do what they do, what many do, what all did at some point. Well not all, but the normal people.

Don’t count me on any side, I don’t belong to any religious group, I don’t want to belong to anything like this. I would only like to have a group, a movement, a new era, for people like me, who actually suffer from rejection, bullying, hate, false blame, false images, false believes and all these things. It isn’t about breaking things, there is already enough broken on this world, why can’t we just build something up, something peaceful, something which would actually make an impact, actually help.

When I am depressed, I don’t want to hear “Please get some help.” They only help I want is to be either dead or just get my freedom. Some people have different things to go through than me, so many things… But we are the lost souls, we are the broken army, the movement, no one cares about?
Not really, it doesn’t look like it too me. We don’t need more flyers with “here is a hotline for help bla bla bla” or “Talk to your parents, to a teacher.” Maybe they are the problem… You know what I mean, right?

They just do things, to say that they did and then they are done and just point at it. “Look over here, we have everything for your well being. YOU FUCKING LOSER! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, or die piece of shit. Please get help.” Yeah sure, asshole. No I know there are many people who really want to help, but can’t relate to it, so they just assume these things would help. But they often don’t. Sometimes they might do, but for me these things just don’t work. I tried and no, I ended up helping them instead of get help. Made it even worse for me.”

I may ask you a question. Would you feel better, if you wouldn’t have to worry about a job, about money, about food and all the basic things, health etc.? I sure would. And especially with other people around, people with similar thoughts and ideas. (What is tricky because I can relate with many people, just not with people who still follow the masses or things many people in their area do. True believers excluded, but maybe some of them should change the things they believe in)

Do I believe in God? This is a tricky question because I believe in God, but then I don’t. I don’t believe in the God of any religion, but because I was born into a christian society, I first found out about God and Jesus in a weird way. While for me it was just true and good and I simply liked the stories about Jesus, I couldn’t find much matches in my society and the world in general. I found the opposite. So I knew, that I had to leave it somehow, but I knew Jesus was real, just no one seemed to understand what he really did and what it was all about. They just couldn’t relate to it. I just felt so out of place, so misunderstood. Man, how must have Jesus felt, after all these people just wanted to see him dead for doing good.
“Welcome to the real world…”

As I said, it is not about christianity or creating a believe or new religion, no, it is just this story. Even if it would be totally made up, Jesus story, should make you think. So please, just don’t mix religion, with this. I am not a religous man, speaker nor am I in any religous group or whatsoever. I don’t want to be, I am not. All I want, is something for the people, who also just want to be whole, want to be accepted and able to live a life without fear, without forcing, without bullshit jobs, mobbers and hypocrites.

Am I a hypocrite? Am I just weird? Am I dumb or intelligent? I can answer all these questions, but only if I can be sure, that I am right. And I am never a hundred percent sure whether I totally fuck up or actually make something right. Most of the time I do the opposite of what I want, which makes me end up in a miserable state again. Now I am trying things I never did. I am still not really out, it sometimes gets even heavier, is more intense in both ways, negative in positive. But something changes, I just feel it and it is good. I just hope I am right and I am not lying to myself again. Tell me, if I should do so. I don’t really read what I write most of the time. At least not yet. But I also should change that. I have to love myself for who I am. A broken soul, still fighting for a brighter future, while nobody might read this, except my only reader so far.

If you just got here, welcome friend. Take a seat. You are a believer, you just don’t know it yet. Or do you? Do you believe in miracles, in things, normal people just laugh about? Well, I do. And now I am trying to enjoy it. I hope I won’t regret it again. This world is mixture of many things, but it clearly isn’t bright. Not just like this.

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