Day 21 (evening)

(Dream log)

At first I dreamed about being at some house I don’t recognize. It seemed to be the house of some relatives. But I am not sure, maybe it was meant to be my house or a new home. The relatives were in the house with me and I played with my cousins. I felt as if I was still in middle school age.

I talked with my uncle there and I don’t know what it was, but something he said made me angry inside or maybe it was my aunt. I can’t remember this first incident well enough. But it was as if I had done something wrong or they tried to explain something to me I already knew.

I was working on my computer, which somehow was in the house.
And then my uncle came in. He probably must have asked me to do something because I began to act strange, nervous. So I had to use the plus and minus key for something and I couldn’t find the minus key fast enough, so my uncle pressed it first with a smile. He wanted to help, but for me it was just enough. As if I couldn’t use my own computer, while I have more knowledge about them than most of my relatives.

So I took my keyboard and smashed it on the table, on the floor until it was completely broken. Then I ran outside. I am not whether I cried or not, but I sure wanted to and I wanted to scream. “Just leave me alone, let me be.”

This said, I can’t remember this uncle to be this way, but well, I have forgotten many things, not forgotten, but supressed. And many things weren’t even mean, but they had hurt my feelings. I am just nervous with other people around because of things that happened in the past and then I can’t even do what I am good at. So people often tend to suggest things or try to help me, while I actually know better. But then I feel so stupid which makes me sad and angry.

(Second dream sequence)

This time I was dreaming about something related to school again. At least at first. My school class was in some sort of big building complex. I don’t really know what there really was, but mainly big windows on each side and a big gray hall. On the floor were corridors with small walls and it all looked like a maze of some sort.

At first we just ran around there having fun. (I felt pretty little and so the others were). We also walked down a big path way which were leading to a big glass door. Some adult guy opened it for us and we walked outside into a garden with stone walls and on the ground were some grass and other small green plants.

After some time we went inside again. There was a small corridor which were going to some rooms which tables and benches. At first I lost my friends because I either went to toilet first or just wanted to look around the hall a little bit longer. But then I found some. The room were they were, wasn’t too big, but there were some tables next to each outher, and some empty chairs. I asked whether the one in front of my friend was free and he just replied something like “Well, you must see.” And then I looked on the table and there was a dirty knife, I think with a little potato salad on it, at least something potatolike. Then I asked whether I may get the chair right next to him and he put it back and happily agreed with a smile “Of course.”

Then later I am not sure, it might be a third dream sequence, so I just split it up here.

(Third dream sequence)

I was again with some of my old friends from school, but we were all older, at least were there cars and we were driving with them.

I am not sure where we were going, but we were driving together with a van and other cars somewhere. I only remember, that we either wanted to find someone or follow someone. For what reason, I don’t know.

We were driving on a road which were on the border of a mountain or big hill with trees on it. On the other side it would go down, but there also were crash barriers on each side of the road.

At some point the road turned left, up into the forest. It also seemed to get a little smaller. Before it had one trail for each side, but now it was only one and looked more like a wood road.

While we were getting slower moving up hill, I noticed someone on the right side of the road. They were painting a red line on the right part of the road and placed some small dark pieces on them. It may have been some tree crust or branch pieces. Then my memory seems to leave me.

(Dream log over)

I was awake for around 32 hours before I went to bed this morning.
But it wasn’t because of insomnia, I just wanted to stay awake, walk through the forest.

I hope I can continue my book later. I am really exited for writing, although I still feel a little tired.

Before I went to sleep I was just sitting on my bed. My legs were formed to a rhomb and I pressed my feet together. Then I just put my hands around my feet while listening to this Psalm 91 chant for 15 minutes I think.

After that I listened to my new track two times. But then just lying in my bed, with the feet under two blankets. Some of the time I had my hands together, like in a prayer, while they were resting on my forehead. But I was just listening to the sounds and maybe thought a little, a little brighter.

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