Day 21 (late night)

I hate this, I have the answer to every question in some way, but seem to only say what is wrong to the outside. And if not, I can’t really tell because I am doing wrong. I am acting like the people I don’t want to be because I have become one of them, while I actually don’t think like them. But how do you want to explain, that you are not only this or that to people who only think in solid numbers, solid states? Yes or no. Blue or red, 1 or 0. I am more like a 1….0 or a purple, a yes to this and a no to that, but only because I try to understand everything.

From the outside, for myself even, I am acting like an arrogant person sometimes, like a nice guy, like an idiot, like a genius or a fool, a sociopath or a helping hand. I don’t know, I am all and nothing at the same time.

Just these words I am writing and writing. I know they have value, but on the other hand, I also know it could just be a subjective perspective, just my own imagination. And I am actually just a fool who found the right words sometimes, like a monkey typing all day – one day he will write a sentence, right?

How do you explain to someone, that you know, while you don’t and then you do, but not really, while actually everything was real, but you didn’t think it was possible and then it didn’t seemed to be, this way until you found out it was, but also different.

(You whaaaaaaat???)

What is a world in which everyone seems to know what you mean or seems to understand what you feel, while they actually just assume they do because they have seen others like you.

I feel so wrong for writing all of this because it seems like I would want to be seen as special, seeking attention… and maybe it is exactly because of this. As I said, always expect the worst of me, don’t think I am the good one, that I am an angel, I am more a demon. But my better side wants to help people like me or people who just feel lost like me, who can’t understand the world, why everyone just goes on as if it would be all good. A bright future… of course… Everything is so bright and good and all is possible, but then I think, well then just solve the problems if you say that all is possible. Just do it, you said it is easy, it is possible. “No, it isn’t easy, I didn’t say that.” I know… but then why is everything possible?

For me it is even harder to know that my life matters because I know what an impact I could have. But then I also think, well for what? Would I really do it? And if so, would I really do it for other people or just for myself? What is a hero, when the hero is an anti-hero at the same time? Isn’t he the cause and the solution to problems at the same time?

“Well, now we have a place for lost people. But you just created another movement which will end up in a rule system, in a system which will only serve as long as people attach themselves to it. We already have everything, there is health care, mental care, freedom for all, marriage for all, what do you offer after all?” – What I think could be said about my own movement, I never created.

May these words at least help someone, to overthink what real and unreal have in common. That a 0 is a one, when you look at it from the side. The world is just a ball, an atom in space. We are just ants, but even ants are greater than us. I have no right to speak because what I say, will always be wrong and then it isn’t, maybe. But as long as I hate myself, I will be wrong.

You there, on the other side. If I can give you an example of how you should not become, I am glad my existence was at least good for something. You there, for whom I may be a hero, I am not, I don’t even solve my own problems, so don’t think this from me. I could be one, maybe some day, but I really am no hero. Otherwise Hitler should be seen as such as well.

(How does he compare this with Hitler. I mean why does he always compare things with WWII, Hitler, Nazis and other things in this era, is he into this shit?)

Hitler was an artist.

(Now he trys to find an apology for Hitler’s actions. Wow and I thought he was against nazis. What a shame, I wasted my time with this sicko…)

He was in the first world war and he was a weirdo, he had strange believes and he was an outsider. Then he got “friends”, people who thought he actually had a talent and boy he had. But he used it for bad.

Hitler was a hero in a way I see myself to be a hero, I am not a hero.
He built streets, gave young people a meaning and united a nation.
But on the other hand he killed millions, prepared for war and in the end everything was planned to serve an empire he wanted to create. Luckily it ended at some point, but how many could have lived without him.
And yet for some he was a hero…
So please, I am not a hero, otherwise I could become like him.
I wouldn’t kill people or at least I never really wanted to, but I can’t be sure about it. So if you say, I could be a hero, then think twice, I could also be Hitler, while I am not.

(Okay, wow this crazy guy thinks, people could actually think he might be a “hero”, well they obviously only think he is insane or just a sicko. How can’t he see how fucked up he is? I mean, just read these things. All this Hitler here, Hitler there, world is burning… What the fuck man.)

I think, Hitler maybe could have actually be a hero, but he wanted to work for dark things, in an evil, devil like way. I don’t know what of it he realized himself, but he had great power, not only after he got “the Führer”, no he always had power, but he used it for evil. So well, I don’t know about me.
I sure want the opposite of nazi shit, but then, am I even the right one to think about these things.

(Just die you sicko. Man how can you think about peace and freedom, if you compare yourself with Hitler and say that he was a hero or had power. What next, will you say he was right or what?)

Hitler was a nice man.

(Oh God, he actually is a nazi, I new it.)

But on the other hand, the devil himself.
He could have been a good one, I believe, but he did the bad thing, he decided to follow the devil and the devil was in him. So he did what he did because for him it was the only way, so he thought, the right way. While he was totally wrong. If I am not confusing things here, I think I heard that Hitler even told people about creating an empire of peace to last tousand years, like in the bible. How fucked up, don’t you think? How should a sardistic, devil like thing bring peace to last a tousand years? I don’t know whether he only told this to get some “christians” on his side or because he believed it himself. Maybe he did all of it just for himself, maybe he actually believe he did something good for the world. Just give me a bullet in the head, before I do things like him. As soon as I start to bring people to kill others or put them into camps or something, just kill me before I lose my mind, okay?

(Ehm sure thing, when can we meet? I am ready all the time.)

Right… I think now I have scared the last people away. I guess now I can continue to be arrogant again. To be the shit guy, who loves his mother, but hates how their relationship ended up, always shouting at each other and that he doesn’t do what he should do, like cleaning the house and other things. He, I, me, it… the guy J.SYS, the weird one who thinks he is special, while he thinks he is not. Who thinks he is sane, while he thinks he is crazy. Who thinks he is not a man, nor a woman, but both, while he wants to be a woman, when he doesn’t really want to be one. The one who would want to be born as a woman, but not just to be one, because actually genders aren’t important for him, when he has a problem with it.

“Do you want icecream?” – What do you mean?
“Icecream?” – I don’t know.
“Yes or no?” – I don’t know.
“Well, if you don’t know what you want, then I can’t help you.” – Okay, then I don’t want some.

Calling other people stupid, is stupid. I am stupid, so I am what I am not.

When I believe that multiple things can be true and possible at the same time, it isn’t because I think it is. But than it is. Is it me or them. Am I one with everyone or the opposite of it?

I know I am guilty. I am not guilty of all things, but it was all part of my life to become the one I am now. To become nothing and everything.
Am I part of my actions? Of course I control my actions sometimes, but what is really important of what I wrote so far? Right now my brain just shuts down again. Probably only 5% of what I write or say is actually useful or right, maybe less. And all the other things might be totally irrelevant.

In the end, is it important? For me it isn’t, I am writing because I want to, have to write. And then it matters to me whether others think about it.
I just want to live, the way I can accept myself and don’t have to feel bad for my actions towards other people and myself. Now it seems to be my turning point and I always believed in things nowadays people seem to think about or open up to more. And then I still don’t see it really. Is it just a movie, or am I in a movie? This is the most horrible horror movie I have ever seen.
It is so good that it is bad. I can’t believe that it is real.

When I was young, it wasn’t, why should it be real now?
So I think it is impossible, while I actually write the opposite. This alone makes me a paradox. And while I know what I might be, I even can’t be sure about that. I am not just this or that. I am not just a single thing.

(And now he will tell us that he is God and the devil or what? Man read all the books and watch the news, you aren’t the first, you are not alone. Save your power for more important things in life, okay?)

Well, I can always go back an die, maybe I am still doing it, while I want to live. I just don’t want to live in a world like this, while I want to live in it, but I don’t think it will ever be really like a world I would actually feel good about being part of it, what makes it seem impossible, while it shoudn’t be.
The world is doomed anyways, while we all can save it… Just fuck it man… fuck this SHIT!

(Ah great and now he is like everyone else. Bravo. What a great theater, what a play. I almost believed him. Ha ha ha. Okay kid, now just get your “shit” together. We understand you are having a hard time, but you can’t go on like this forever. The work won’t do itself, okay?)