Day 20 (until dawn)

Well this just wasn’t exactly what I expeted it to be, but this is why I love these short movies. There is always something about them, something random, something unexpected even though you somehow know what could happen, but it still is not sure. Just great idea for a short movie.

When you think, you have seen it all, but then you just find another cool summary of what I felt. And it explains my behaviour because when I feel female, I am acting like a female in every part. And then I am acting like a man. But I behaved like a girl in school most of the time because I didn’t talk, I just went hiding. So I really am both in some way, interesting.

I mean sure, I don’t know what IQ I have, but I suppose I would get a bad value. Once I tested myself, I got something around 85-90. But it was a free test and I probably wasn’t really interested, or focused. And my own negative connection to tests and marks and such things, probably just broke me.

I just always thought I was stupid and intelligent at the same time. They say it is impossible to be two things at the same time. But I guess, they are wrong. Not completely of course, but in some way, I am two things at the same time and it somehow works, otherwise I would be not existing or just dreaming.

I guess I should have just trusted myself, should have sticked to myself, loved myself at least a little. But I just had no one to talk about it, so I thought I just was crazy and a part of me was because I felt crazy. I might have way more power than I thought. We will see. I am not a super power kind of being, no, but who knows for sure. We are all just believing in what others say, do and pretend to be or do. We are all believers in some way.

One believes in God, one in science, one in his own ideas, one just in total destruction, you name it. Facts are the least things, we base our world on. We base it on believes and believes can cause a lot of trouble, especially when thoughts turn into believes and these believes try to find facts to support the believe. While it actually should be the opposite, we should try to find more questions, more answers, especially in areas we aren’t talking about, we try to hide or laugh about, we fear or just don’t understand yet.

Maybe I don’t know what I am doing, but a part of me knows, what is left from what I was. I think it is better this way, I shouldn’t try to connect those world, it might cause my brain to explode, implode, vanish completely.

I might not be able to explain what I am doing, how I am doing it, but I am doing it, at least now I am doing it. And it is good, if no one asks questions.
I hate these kind of questions. Maybe I should make videos on how I create my music, if it doesn’t flaw the whole process. No one asked yet, but I know they will, at some point. If someone should ask at all, so to say.

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