Day 20 (late night)

There we go again, from heaven to hell. I just got down by a single strike.
Nothing big from the outside, but like an explosion inside.

Why have I ever started all this. I know why, I want to life. I still want to.
But I can’t face the things I have to do. I have to cut all wires to my past. All wires. I have to move away, from all people who are connected to my bad past, all of them. Luckily my trusted friend isn’t part of it because with him I had good times. The only thing which should remain. I can’t save the others, I have to save myself for once. If not now, then never. I just want to be the one who just runs towards the enemy on the battle field, so they can kill me faster.

Tonight or at least right now it is death time again. And because I know there are more problems waiting, some of which I didn’t even thought of yet. Some weren’t even possible, just a week ago. They want to kill me, so just do it. Pull the trigger, just do it man. Why are they waiting.

I just hope I can find my peace again later.
It hurts pretty badly again.

After last night, I just started to talk and talk about everything from the start again and it took some hours, talking with my mother. But I knew from the start, that it probably end this way, I just wanted to explain it all again with an open mind. And now I couldn’t finish and there was this call and then the pressure just went over me again. Why can’t people just leave me alone, they can’t help me, I don’t want their hopes and wishes, their sorrow, I have a whole castle made of black rocks, former doubts, fears and hate. And this castle just says: “GET THE FUCK OUT!”

But luckily there is a small entry door for special members. At the moment, I only have one active member the best I will ever find, at least so far, one guest maybe and a couple of possible members, but probably just possibles. And this one lad, who can always come even without a member pass anymore because the pass just went to “family” and my active member, is like a brother, so family².

(Just don’t count more people in, you know how it will end.)

Yes, just two members and one guest. I think we can handle this.

Oh higher one, why am I a fool to thought I was a fool.
Higher one, why am I a fool after all?
Tell me, but no, I know why. I was made for problems, but I am like an old machine, I have my flaws. Sometimes I am just fine, sometimes I am just doing what I have to, but most of the time I ran away from my own problems, when I couldn’t eat them. Some bits are just too big too eat.

I will probably do, what the evil expects of me. I will betray those who loved me, those you wanted to help, but simply couldn’t or even made it worse, got a problem. My world is a black box full of darkness and evil within.

There is no excuse to not face my own problems. I have to deal with them, the calls I have to take, the things I have to do. I am fake from the bottom up and then I am true. There still is this little girl inside, the soul which didn’t want to die, wanted to live, to laugh or cry, but she is also a woman somehow. But I don’t think she is a man. The man is just part of the process.

I will be the both of it, I am, nor this or that. But I hate men because they took everything I had. Most of them were men and they knew (they don’t know what they do), what they did. I just can’t forgive myself to no do the dirty work. I am not capeable to tell people what I really think about them and probably hit their feelings, while all they wanted was to help me.

“Everything is infront of your eyes. But why are you still pretending to be blind?” – Music World

Well, for me, I got signs, when didn’t expect any. When I lost all hope and finally what I never really started. A journey of death, for death to be dead.
But somehow I ended up living, for at least some weeks and now I am just going up and down each day. And it feels as if the storm outside was just there because of me and a virus is out there killing people, just because I want it to be all over. I want judgement day, to finally die. But then not really, I don’t want them to die, just me. If you would have a deadly desease, I would come over and just hug you and maybe if it would be a virus, I could go together with you, or survive together. There is no place for on this world, not when I have the ultimative dark vision. Only with my true vision, I see not only darkness, but everything, the best outcome possible.

If we all think the world will end, it will, trust me.
Many people maybe don’t care or understand, but it will go down, no matter what, except for the fact, we should start to do things, we know would work, we know could work, but laws and governments, industries and short minded people, aren’t supporting them, even try to stop them, probably.

Maybe my deathwish is more powerful than I thought, I not only “just” make people feel bad around me now, I really feel like I started to decay.
My feet are starting feel cold, the toes might be partially dead already.
If I just could go like this, just dying slowly until my heart stops to beat.

Be sure I know I am strange, be sure I know I talk about many things too much. Be sure I have talked about things over and over again. Is it high intellect or just pure madness? Be sure I would always agree with the worst first, when it is about me.

“Are you a monster?” – Yes
“Are you harming people willingly?” – Sometimes.
“Do you enjoy harming them?” – No.
“What do you do for a living?” – I die.
“Do you have hobbies?” – I am writing, making music and thinking about everything until I found it all and then I will start again.
“Are you crazy?” – Yes, of course.
“Do you would like to be a woman?” – If I could just have been born as one.
“Would you like a surgery?” – No, because my body doesn’t define what I am inside. For me it is just a vessel, a vessel I should call home.
“Would you kill your best friend for a life without the need for money or safety?” – No, I would never do such a thing. Only if I could change roles in this one. Leaving my best friend alone.
“Are you a sociopath?” – Yes, how else should I explain the mess I am causing?
“But aren’t sociopaths people who don’t care about other people, only sometimes?” – Well, I am not sure if this all about them, maybe do some research about it, but well in some way I don’t care about them, could just kill them all, but then I just want to save at least the ones I really care about.
“So, you aren’t a sociopath?” – Yes.
“Didn’t you just said the opposite?” – Yes.
“Is there anything else, you want to tell us?” – Yes


“Easy man, okay we are leaving.”

(No characters were hurt in this sketch)

Who needs a stranger writing positive and negative things at the same time? But then, why do I just smile about random things I found on the internet. Random, not for me, but for you maybe. They just feel good, make me smile sometimes or just think. Good thoughts.

*Looks into the back mirror*
Awh, not again!

I always feel like the last of them all and I might be the first. But because I don’t think this could be possible, I just become the last in life.
I am the one who thinks, everyone already is several rounds ahead of him, but just drives until the fuel goes out. And it almost hits the empty sign.