Day 18 (until dawn)

My toes on the left foot seem to not get enough blood or something else is wrong with them. I can only partially feel them. They hurt partially and some parts are just numb. Maybe they are dying, who knows… Wouldn’t suprise after all, it just feels strange. But how should a doctor help, if I know the source of my problems and they can’t fix it.

It would be so much easier for me to go, without me knowing that it would be the wrong thing. I have some many things to live for, but also a lot of things because of which I still want to die and they are still stronger.

Not the fear, but this helpless situation, that I am so broken and don’t even know anymore whether I am telling the truth or just more lies because I am just so good at telling lies to myself and others. Just don’t follow me into my own black hole, okay? It is just for me, not meant for anyone else, it should close behind me, but I know it isn’t this easy, I know.


It watered my eyes. I want to cry but can’t. And I actually watched the first season of it. It felt real to me, more real than it should be. But then it sadly is real and I am the one who walks the bridge and jumps.

You know, when I made an over 30km walk which took me around 10 hours, I thought, well if someone would ask whether I am okay or not, it was a good walk. And well, actually one person not only stopped, but drove back when he saw me walking through the night without a light. Asked whether I could need a ride or if everything is okay. I thankfully answered that everything is fine and I would just make a night walk and a little confused the other one drove away. But he sure would have helped me and he had a sports car or at least some kind of expensive and fast one.

And there were so many cars this night, even at 3 AM, 4 AM … it just never stopped… and only one guy actually asked who I was, just one. But at least something and I didn’t die this night. Otherwise I might have decided to jump down a bridge in the next town I was about to walk towards.
I am not sure about it. All what kept me going was my trusted friend and that I couldn’t leave him like this, but even this thought was weak. So this stranger gave it some more power, otherwise who knows.


For the next track Quid nos loqui de?:

Hebrews 9:15
“For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.”

Isaiah 9:15
“the elders and dignitaries are the head,
  the prophets who teach lies are the tail.”

Daniel 9:15
“Now, Lord our God, who brought your people out of Egypt with a mighty hand and who made for yourself a name that endures to this day, we have sinned, we have done wrong.”


I started the first episode of “The stranger” / “Ich schweige für dich”.
But now I will just continue with second of the now three seasons of “13 reasons why” / “Tote Mädchen lügen nicht”.
And just when I search for it, I already see things like “Doctors want to ban it”, “it is dangerous”, “does everything wrong what could be done wrong”, “could cause people to attempt suicide themselves” … and so on.

I personally don’t think this series did anything wrong, it did everything right. And people killing themselves is the result of people who think it did everything wrong. They don’t really care about what people feel or think, they just see “Oh there is a suicide in this series and young people do suicides, let’s ban it, it can’t be good for them.” Instead show them, how great their future is, oh wait…

People these days… people always… humanity… What are we talking about?
Ah yes, I will kill myself. No wait, that wasn’t the topic, was it? Well, I don’t kill myself now, no. But either way, this series helps. Because it made me aware of what is possible and I just wanted to jump in the series when I watched the first season. I just wanted to tell her, that she is fine the way she was. But then it just was a story after all. People just don’t understand… people who laugh about it, or don’t know what to say or even want to ban these things. They just don’t know or don’t want to.


Well, I forgot about the info in the beginning.
They say, when you start to talk, it gets easier. But then, for me it always just got worse. Maybe not the best advice, at least not always. It depends with whom you talk, I guess.

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