Day 18 (late night)

I continued the book a little. Just a few pages, a new chapter.
It feels like so much more, but time passes and I only have three pages.
Not because I couldn’t come up with something, but because there are so many thoughts going on at the same time. Maybe I am writing in slow motion, maybe with long pauses. But I am reliving moments of my past and it is so strange, painful and in some way refreshing, to know it is long over and that I can do better now. Still it hurs, still it was horror and still I am not sure whether my memories are true, not all of them might be, some are missing and I am scared of what maybe already be planted inside of my brain over all this time. The self destructive monster I have become, not only destructing me, but everything around me. And when it would be right to break some bridges, I can’t tell, because everything I do seems wrong. I just try to follow my heart now. So I broke some bridges, which hurt me for a long time now. I hope it was the right choice, I can’t tell. One side of me says, yes, my soul says, follow your heart, but my brain says, you ruined it all.

I have to stick to my soul, to my heart. They know how it goes, they were there for me, but I rejected them because it was so painful in the past with them. I wanted to protect myself, but I betrayed myself the whole time…
Sorry past me, thank you present me for letting me out and stay focused future me. You can do it! I know you can! Please, please don’t give up, okay?

Still a child after so many years… I was always an old soul, while I was a child as well. It is strange to understand, if no one else around you seem to be like it. So you start to hate it, you start to change yourself or just break.

But being a child is a gift, if we would just understand it. Childish is not the same as being a child in mind. Being open to new things, willing to learn, questioning things, asking things and seeing the world in a different light, from another perspective. A child might be wiser than all the so called wise ones. It doesn’t have to be, but some like us are such children. They don’t know literally everything, but everything which matters, to have a good life, a real life, but most of the time they break while getting older. I broken, because of the world, because of myself. I didn’t trust myself, can’t anymore, but I am trying to since a couple of months.