Day 17 (late night)

The need for being “normal” is so broken… It one thing, when you want someone to be okay and feel save the way the are in todays world.
But always just telling “get help”, “look there is sooo much help”, “please just get help”, “I am scared, you should go see a doctor”. It all just makes it worse because often the problem isn’t considered as a thing beyond ones control.
If all people would say to you “get help”, but your problem is them doing what they are doing, what would you respond? “Okay, then I must kill you.”

No, of course not and we don’t want to kill people, at least not really. But how should pills or therapy help, when the problem is outside of your body? Of course you could probably find a physical result inside because the body mirrors the soul in some way and we more or less mirror the world in our own way. So if there is a disorder inside of us, it may be because of what the world gave us. Especially when the pills just make it less “painful” or “harmful” for others…

It is strange how adult people often think, teenagers are just in a weird phase and this is why they are reacting the way the react sometimes. And partially this is correct because, well they are getting to a state in which their mind starts to die, their soul might die or they simply can’t understand the whole fucking system. Whatever it is, sometimes it might “just” be chemicals, but I think often it is more than that. And I often got mistaken for being in a phase – even by my parents, while I actually was thinking this way since elementary school, way before this so called teenage phase.

My innocents got taken away as a child and because of many things which went wrong in my life and then me doing more harm to myself inside than necessary it all went darker and darker. But the cause was never really understood. I just always knew why, but no one else seemed to understand.
And it wasn’t chemicals, it wasn’t just traumas, bullying, etc.

It was how the world actually works for the most part and the other things only opened my mind for it, so I lost hope. If there would be hope to get something good or much better at the end of a miserable time, we don’t lose hope so soon, we even try to fight for it. But if there seems to be only more misery at the end, why hoping, why fighting, for what? To be dead, when we are dead already? (Not all of us, but way too many, in some way.)

The question is, what means dead for me? It means ignoring problems which affect all of us sooner or later… well I think sooner than we would like it. And that we seem to just focus on our own lives, way more than on others. Those who focus on others more, die way too soon because it is hopeless in a world of selfish people.

This doesn’t mean all people are selfish, but if we don’t want to give our lives for strangers on the street which seem to be in trouble, we are in some way selfish. And it is even not always seen as a heroic act when someones actually takes action. Even could get them into trouble, if they are too courages, if you understand. For example, if a man would hurt a woman or something like that and than another person shows up and hits the man in the face. The person hitting in the face could get in trouble with the police, while the actual troublemaker gets away. – What a lovely world we live in.

On the paper everything is right, is fine and good, but we aren’t paper, we aren’t robot which follow strict laws if even. So why should dead paper give us rules? Rules are important, but we could be so much more and better, if we wouldn’t have so many strange rules and a good way to give you people hope and a good example on how life actually should be.

“You see how the world works right now. Now go out there and change it! Don’t let them make you do what they want, understand? Do what you are meant to do and what is right.”

Then, I just write all this, but for whom?
I should be the one to take action. Am I writing to myself?
If so, I am bad in writing because I don’t do much, well at least something.

I did my part, did I? – No, I have just started… and I still want to leave this world. Why? Because I don’t have enough hope for what I want to make.
I know it all, but it doesn’t give me enough hope, it could all be a flaw.
I by myself am not able to do much, not because I wasn’t born to do so, but I lost it, destroyed it and broke it the best I could.

The one who builds the best tanks, should also think about the best way destroying them, otherwise they would just be tanks which get destroyed.

And I just thought about destroying me, instead of actually using what I had for most of the time. The times I did create programs, helped people and had hope, I destroyed by myself together with other people. In unity we stand, in unity we fall and together we will live and die, but then everyone just goes their own way.

I guess most of you who will read this in the future, don’t understand me.
It is hard to understand. When you think you understand, you might just think you do. If you don’t feel it, just read the lines, you are just normal.
But then how should you feel my words? Well, through the music, through the videos, the series, the movies. It all is wired, all connected in some way.

Some are stronger, some are just a side note maybe, but everything in this has a reason, the little things are way more important, than the big an obvious ones, trust me. I just hope, no one will interpret this in school some day, like Max Frisch, Peter Stamm or such things. Not that it was just weird, but I knew, it was pretty fucked up, strange and dangerous, as well as interesting. The image of people, the images we have and others have about us. And then everything is just energy, just without a real beauty, just maths, physics and chemicals, only particles, data and a little randomness. No, trust me, it isn’t and then you can’t trust me at all, can you?

Just imagine a world like in the “Daemon” story.
Wouldn’t it be cool and what we actually want? I mean as I said, we don’t need people to get killed. But at least something like Enrique Alvarado was talking about. This merged with the Daemon world could actually bring the change and I guess it probably is more connected than we might think right now. I think the story is only in german, sadly, but it is about a computer genius developing a whole new system for the world to take over after his death. He had a uncureable sickness and wanted this too be the last gift to the world, a change it waited for. And like a game, with AG googles, phones, GPS coordinates for quests and support in small people, to make a big difference, it was created to wipe out the bankers and profit takers, to give the people actual power. A whole army of free people, who follow their real purpose and help one another. Supported by a whole new system and all what modern technology has to over for the good.

In the story bankers got killed and also other people, but the point was, it is a topic, an idea worth spreading in my opinion. And despite the killing, it is what we should for towards, not against. The world as a game, but for real good and not just some ingame credits. Real purpose, real meaning and actual progress. Not just a level up for some character in a game, no our own progress, our own journey. And this guy who wrote it, should get an award (maybe he got one, I don’t know, let me check).

Well maybe it is available in englisch somewhere. And there is a movie about the book, but I bet it isn’t as good as the book. I personally heard an audio play based on the book and it was just incredible.

Yeah the book is of course available in englisch, how silly of me.
Well, this is what we should give students to read in schools…


(already somewhere in the Almanac as far as I know)

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