Day 17 (evening)

I could be the change the world needs, but I don’t want to try it because I think it will be wrong or not true. That I am just doing it because I think I should, but I shouldn’t. I am still not right, still watching porn sometimes. At least not for a couple of days now, again. I still act wrong towards my mother, still get loud and can’t control myself with the talking.

I just have to talk about this, but I don’t want to end like Hitler, talking and talking until the world is burning and I caused it to burn.
I mean it already burns and just burns faster each day, literally, as an image, in many ways. But I don’t want it to burn faster…

I am always between suicide, in case I should do what I am, a monster which does bad things and that I think I really want to help.
It drives one crazy and pills can’t help, only supress the feeling to help.
So I would just be in a “happy place” if even. But I can get there without help, I just can’t get where I really should be. Not a normal person, not like everyone else, but doing something with impact. I just feel it and I don’t do much for it. At least far too few things.


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