Day 16 (morning)

I was lying in my bed listening to my music for over an hour and it just didn’t help. I thought about many things and so I decided to just write a little more.

For example, I thought about the “Daemon” book and about making it actually partially a real thing. Because if life is a game, why not make it an actual game? I mean this wouldn’t go against laws, but then in the end it would probably cause a change because of the power within it.
(Talks about big change, without anything in hands at the moment)
I know I can’t do it alone, but I would do it. I believe it is the only way, at for the people I am speaking for. Who ever wants me to speak for them and if it is just me, than its fine too. I always was an outsider, so no problem here.

Well, I created a perfect system of disinformation, manipulation and fear, to make me the problem I felt I was, and to fullfil my own destiny as a problem, so I could leave. But because I believe this is not final, I could just recover from it, but I am so into it, that I won’t stop supporting this system, when I am “just” on my own.

I am fine when I am alone most of the time, but I need someone sometimes.
Even if the other one is not present, I need to know that there is someone who cares for me in some way.

And the only problem with my system is, that it didn’t work to the point that I killed myself, but well it almost worked. So I am still not sure what I am. I could be anything and I sure am some kind of sociopath on one hand and a deeply feeling soul who cares about others (usually more than about myself). And I have too many things which could help me and it is almost strange that with so much support, things and people who could help me, I still want to fail, just to end finally.

It is so negative and I have everything. I have the pure positive, the pure negative and the average. I understand many people (maybe not all or everything, but I guess I know enough). I can’t share or say or even write everything I know because many things are just feelings or thoughts without words, like some kind of “big data”, which is too complex to explain just with words.

And I know too many solutions, I only seem to think I can’t do what I want to do. It feels as if the hard work I put into things is pointless. But it isn’t and I know that. I know positive and negative on the same time, but the negative wins most of the time. In my brain the negative is always preferred because I decided to support the negative when I was younger.
It just is hurting my head, that I have the solutions, but can’t seem to do them.

Do I really want to live?

Do I really want to do it?
From what I have already changed in my life so far, I should say, I obviously want to live. And no, I don’t need pills. I had some weeks with pure positivity, without pills or any kind of drug.

I will pay for WordPress Premium, so I can have my own ads (if I want) and don’t get ads I don’t even want to support and don’t get money for.
It will cost some bucks, but in relation to what some things cost, it is pretty cheap. It depends on the view. I could have everything for free in some way.
But I don’t have the positive power to do it, not anymore, no just not right now. Maybe soon again.

And I will continue writing things. Will make more music and so on.
I just want to do it. I just hate this world with its “working” systems.
We have nothing to fear and yet everything is pressure and a must.
I can’t do this, but I never had to, should have just listened to my heart and I may have done this way earlier. In fact I did something like this way earlier, but I stopped before it really started. And I also had other problems as well.

Now not much has changed, but I found what I didn’t have back then – my soul, my true self. It was always there and I sometimes felt it, but most of the time I just felt dead or like a robot or something. Now I often feel as if I am dying or that I might could die in a few years and this is possible, but at least now I can really live and do something. I just have to continue what I love. I won’t survive anyways, if I shouldn’t do what I love. So I can at least attempt to make something happen. I am not the master, not yet so to say.
I am not the student. I am a learning master, I just gave away my power, to make myself even more powerful!

(Actually he used a Forma to change a polarity and now he has to level up again. Man he is overthinking this polarity shit, really dude – Warframe fun intended 😀 )

Obviously my heart is a little slower now because I didn’t sleep, just was in bed for 1-2 hours with closed eyes listening to music.
But it feels not bad, just as always when I didn’t sleep. Everything gets chill because of the hormones. It is good that I put some ideas into praxis.

I should also make tutorials about programming and not just “how to program”, but what it actually takes. (Some kind of life advise) Because some people think, they just learn this cool codes and then they can do everything. But they just need this need to know. How it really works and if they have it, they just want to know more and more and do it. This is how I learned it, I just wanted to learn it and I found everything about it in the internet and just tried something until I understood how it worked.

I listend to the songs before, but I already had them all open in my browser and waited for this last one.
And well, I sure wished what I shouldn’t have wished because I got what I wanted. Not that I always wanted it, but I wanted it way too soon. I mean I wanted it since elementary school to some extinct. This is some heavy shit.

And now I have to literally rewire almost my whole brain because most of the hotwires are for bad things. I can transform some of the to go backwards maybe, but some just have to die out and it is very painful and hard to let them die. Not because I want them to stay, but because they are so solid already. Feels like breaking walls and fighting with a shovel against a tank. Just hopeless it seems, but at some point the tank runs out of power and I will just shovel it down. But I have to keep hitting it and walking around it because otherwise it will kill me first.

Great one, good that I found it. 🙂 As with almost everything in this list, probably everything I should say, but not everything is what I always want to listen to. But this one, I could listen to a lot.

Well, in my life this phrase was right in both ways.
The opposite and the actual one. Now my life had a lot of “destruction” because I quit my job, got out of some other things and things are changing it seems. Before it was more like: “Every act of destruction is first an act of creation.” Because while I thought life was as it seemed, my wanted to make it as less painful than possible with an option to quit it all. So it was a creation and some kind of mercy, while I actually started my own destruction. Now both meanings found there opposite and the cycle is whole again, in both ways. Two cycles merged with a cross (called infinity).

Is it pointless to write what was already written? No, only if you just copied.

Should I write, what I am writing? Probably not, but how else should I sum up my thoughts? I still write some things over and over again, but at least I can read them now some time later and they aren’t lost.

If I would have written a daily journal when I was in elementary school up to this day, it would probably be some useful data, but I sadly didn’t. So some poems (which survived and didn’t get lost or thrown away) and notes have to be enough. It doesn’t mean that I am so special that every thought and word of me is important or high in value, no of course not. I think none of it really matter or should be valued high. I personally hated it at first.

But now I can at least have it and I know it is just okay because it is me and I like myself, when I see my true self, not what I made out of it and what others “taught” me.

I came to this world like an angel, but I have become a fallen angel over time because I listened to the lies and I created way too many. Now it is time to finally let the good angel take the throne, which was meant for him.
For her, for me, whatever I am, my true me wasn’t bad.

I just learned to be bad because it seemed to be the right thing to do, to survive. But I never should have learned it because all it did, was making me worse and it actually made it harder.

Omnipresent is a every good critic on current society and also our systems which aren’t like the city, but in a similar way. Good job and great idea.
It is actually making people think about technology and how it actually works and how stupid most people are when it comes to such technologies.

When it says “You computer is secured!”, they just believe it.
When the government says “Everything is under control”, they believe it.
And if the phone seller is getting asked, whether the phone is secured or not, they say “It is the latest technology, it is totally save!” and the buyer believes it. And who will blame them, they just trust in the system, in the technology, but when it will be used to harm them, they will know.
When someone tries to kill them through it, they will scream.
But no one will believe them because everything is secure!

“I don’t have anything to hide. So they can have my data (etc.)”
Oh how I hate these statements… Don’t you realize that all your data could be used against you? Either for a criminal or a company? If you at one point should do something they don’t want, you are screwed and if you should know something you shouldn’t know, they know where to find you. And if a criminal wants to kidnap you or your kids, well they could do that.

Just think for once people, everything is possible.
And if apps can use features like GPS, phone, camera etc. why shouldn’t hackers be able to use it too? It is pretty obvious, but when a company or some so called experts say “It is safe! Bullet proof!” You just trust them, because it is just your life which depends on it, nothing to worry about.
(Having a little rage inside, while I could actually just ignore all these people. I can’t help them anyways, they just want it, so they will have it.)

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