Day 15 (first hour)

Oh no, now I feel like a scam.
Because I thought, I would actually be able to be a good sales person, how wrong of me.

No actually, I knew this, I just thought, maybe there is something I haven’t heard yet, but it seems, there isn’t. And I just got some kind of approval, that I have everything I needed all the time with me. I am just not doing it because I don’t want to lie to people. When in realitiy, I don’t have to lie to them at all. I could just try things out myself or look things up and then I would know whether I should sell or support someone. Not because what I will find is always the truth, especially when it is just a basic ad thing.

If I would really sell things to people, I would probably just make honest advertisement, so they really know what they are buying. And when I would only sell, what I would buy myself, then this should be actually a good thing, right?

But now, what would I buy? At the moment, it seems as if I wouldn’t buy anything because I don’t have much money to buy anything and also no real interest in things because I have what I need always with me and if not, I always found a way to get things I didn’t have. Not always legally, but I got them. So well, there I am, a strange human being, trying to make strange things.

I should probably just stick to the writing thing and make some music.
There is not much I can do I guess. But we will see.
I still have enough money to invest. So maybe, just maybe we have a “real” shop pretty soon. I mean I would buy music instruments, if I would be able to pay for them. And probably some software and computer parts or a whole room full of technology. So I actually have things I would buy and could sell.

And don’t forget, I don’t want to be rich and I am able to work a lot.
So I would work a lot, if I would just know it could be in some way right.

Interesting, he actually talks about what I am doing right now right in the beginning, writing. Great guy.

Wait a second, is he just giving me an approval, I asked for? Hmm. Interesting.

I will just continue with what I am doing right now.
I guess there is much more I can do. Just what I wanted to do all the time and always thought about or even did already.

For example I could teach people how to program something.
How to hack a game, or just do what one does with a strange mindset like mine. I mean I am already doing it. So why am I still scared?
I am still scared, that all what I am doing is wrong and that I can’t do it, while this is the only thing I can do. I already helped random people with computer problems (but please, don’t ask me if I not already know you) and got some friends interested into computers and programming. Not many, but just a couple is more than enough to make you happy and worthy. But still I was depressed and thought, well this is just something I sometimes can do and what actually isn’t really profitable or useful and many aren’t interested in it or “just” want to know it all at once.

Guess what, I am just like them, but not really. I just feel I am like them because I can’t accept, that I have it all already, that I am the one who knows (not everything, but way more than most people think I know from what they are telling me). So yeah, I am not an expert in anything, I don’t really want to be an “expert” because I don’t want people to think that I know all when I don’t. And it puts a lot of pressure upon me, if someone thinks I am a professional in something, when I am not. The question is, what is a professional doing different, than from what I do? I am honest, I just do what I can do and I really want to help, even for no money.

So no, I am not a professional because I don’t learn all the vocabulary and I don’t act as if I would know everything, but I know a lot. And each time I write this or say this, I just feel so stupid because all people think they know a lot… Argggh. Yes I KNOW… And then I think I am actually pretty stupid, thinking that I know, while I actually know things others don’t seem to notice, but I think they all know and then when I say something I think they might don’t know, they know it better than me or it is just normal to know it. So I am not sure when I actually know something and when I am just a default society clone… Words can’t really describe it, not without music.

Yep it is difficult, to not get put into boxes these days, but then, when was it easy? As long as something is not easy in life, you know you are still not dead yet, right? And if you aren’t dead yet you can do something about it.

No boxes, just humans!

I mean I could say being a “human” could also be a box, but that would be just a whole new level man.

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