Day 15 (evening)

When life feels like it is more and more like “Life is strange” because the storms are getting heavier. Last week already a heavy storm and a lot of rain. And now an even stronger storm, even football games got canceled.
I am not into football, but I know that they even play when it rains or snows, so yeah, must be serious.

This whole supernatural experience I am having, probably I shouldn’t joke about it? For myself it isn’t a joke, so maybe it is more serious than I think.
But what is it that I am missing? From another perspective someone could say, it is all coincidence, I know. But from my perspective “conincidence” is used in a wrong way. Some things aren’t coincidence, but because we don’t understand it yet, we say they are. I am not the cause of the weather, but maybe I am part of it. Maybe we all are part of the weather, not only that we feel it, see it or talk about it.

I hate, that we live in a society in which everyone needs a title, so they are “certified” in what they are doing. While there might be people out there who really do great things, no one ever heard about. And often these people die unknown or may get noticed when they are already pretty old or after they died. Isn’t it strange? How ignorant this society is…

Some think others are cool and inovative, when they are just doing what everyone in the branch or area does. Some think they can’t do what others just do. Some think life has to be the way it is taught in school, from elders, from church and so on. They just don’t think for themselves, but they often believe they do. No matter whether they believe in science, in a church created image of a God, in a person who didn’t even believe it was right themselves before they died. They just believe in things, but think, they think for themselves by doing so.

If people tell you, it is normal to be LGBTQ+ then it is normal and if you don’t think it is normal, you are conservative or even worse, while what you actually meant, was something completely different. I am not speaking for the actual conservatives or else, because I am pro LGBTQ+, not because I always was, but because I wasn’t always. I learned that it is something which should be good and can be good. We always had people who were different from the old hetero stereotypical way, but it was either ignored, even illegal sometimes or somewhere and people got killed for being different. So why should it be wrong, to support being just who you are inside, outside, to feel whole and accepted? It simply isn’t and the God I believe in, would smile towards all who got rejected, misunderstood and lost because they were different. For him true love is more important than pretending to be something else.

But then, if you don’t really know who you are and just think you are something else because it is in or “normal”, where does this lead?
I don’t see a problem in the LGBTQ+ movement, I saw a chance and thought about all the people who got rejected, bullied, harmed and even killed because of their different appearance – me included. I am a man, but I often don’t feel as one, while I have both parts inside me. Like two souls, but I am more comfortable with my female side. Not because I want to be a woman or seen as such. I am not, not really for myself, but both. So I would want to be seen as human, just human and not being judge for what I am doing or what I look like. So I can tell, I am one of them.

I can understand more and more people nowadays, I already understood a lot when I was little, but I was too “drilled” I could say, to believe there is only one way to be saved, to get into heaven and be a good person. While I actually didn’t see the real God in most of it, just strangeness, lies and pretending. And in the end I was the biggest pretender of them all because I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

I always believed in God (in a higher being, higher force etc.)
Since I was in “Kindergarten” I knew there must be something real out there and for myself I think I wasn’t wrong. Only that I couldn’t merge the taught God and the experienced God. And now I know, that it was good as it was. For me God, whoever, whatever it is, is nor man nor woman, is something bigger than us. And for me it is real, however it really is, I believe it exists. But it is different from what many think it is.

I am not telling, that doing bad things is good, no of course not.
But it is not up to some people to judge about others and what they think is right or wrong. A feeling can tell you more about it. I also don’t want to say, we should just judge people because of what we feel because many don’t really feel the things I and some other people feel. It isn’t about rage, anger, hate or fear, about true feelings towards someone. And if you can really feel, you think you are crazy or your feelings are fooling you.

If someone enters a room or comes towards you and you have no reason to feel bad or creeped out by something, you might even felt pretty good before, you know you are really feeling things.
Maybe this person is just hiding a secret, doesn’t have to be too bad, but something which isn’t good. The worst could be, that the other person is evil. It could also just be someone with a horrible time themselves, pretending everything is good. It depends from person to person, but most people don’t feel things like that, so they think you are overreacting or maybe lying or something.

I might even be a pretender, who knows? I sure know, I am not well.
But at least better than last year, for sure.
It is all just so strange now and I am in a very unsecure situation.
No income at the moment, some money to hopefully survive the next year and then, I don’t know. So this year I sure have a lot of work, for myself.
I just hope I am doing it in a right way, in a good way.
I am not sure about anything, I lost my selftrust too long ago.
Hopefully I can learn to trust myself again this year.

If not I might be causing even more trouble and I don’t know whether I can handle it. But for the one I trust, I can’t leave you alone like this, I shouldn’t be able to. I couldn’t forgive myself for leaving because I know it isn’t the solution, but sometimes a feeling can kill you because it is getting to strong.

I am not wise or anything, I would call myself a fool. I do it way too often.
But then who is wise? Most people just think they know and because I got taught that I am just like everybody else, I believed I just like them.
Maybe I am, but I can’t be because then I would enjoy what they enjoy.
Even if they don’t actually enjoy it, why should they do it then?
I can’t be normal because I am not, I just have to trust myself. But it is hard when it feels like you are the only one. At least I am not completely alone.

Sometimes it feels even worse because of this, because I am not able to “normal”. This is why when I was younger I often wished to be normal, not because I wanted to be normal, but I thought then I could just live with it and wouldn’t think to much, wouldn’t know things and just do what I have to do and should do to move forward. I wanted to be normal, to not be a burden or to get hurt anymore. Then I turned into a monster and now I just know I don’t want to be the monster I created. I have to accept and love myself, but I can’t love the things I created in my mind and do sometimes.

It might look silly from the outside, foolish, but well then you don’t know what I am fighting with.

And I know that I have hurt many people, but this is who I have become on my way to become normal. But maybe I never tried, just did what I was an thought I would do it because of it. So I also often thought I am just a monster and always was, but I know it isn’t true. I didn’t want to hurt people when I was little, I just got hurt by others.

But now I have to face that I am just still not good, not really.
A part of me is still a monster and pills won’t change it, I really doubt that.
It is enough for me, that they say “it can only stop the symptoms”, well, then why should I take it? I can stop my symptoms myself and what I can’t the pills won’t do for me. At least this is how I feel about it. And I know I am sounding like a child, like an idiot, like someone who needs help, who doesn’t know shit. I know that, so please don’t tell me.

I am not just this or that. I am many things, but still one. And no I don’t hear voices, I don’t see things, but you think I do, maybe, or you just think “poor man”, he is so broken, he needs help. But then what help? There isn’t help because what causes the problem, is not cureable. We can’t change the world for better, can we? Not really… right?

Perspective is what divides us, unites us, kills us.
War is never a solution, but still we fight against each other.
If not with weapons, with words, with cyber attacks, with other fighter for our own thoughts. Why? Because we as a species are a monster, we just don’t see ourselves this often because there isn’t a mirror big enough.

Some found this mirror anyways, have written, talked and painted it, but still we don’t see. We aren’t God, we aren’t the devil, but we like to be evil, while we pretend to be good. Evil doesn’t have to radical, it often is quiet and wears peace and love, but not only here or there, everywhere and then it has a knife, a gun or a rope in the pocket. I shouldn’t write things like this, because most won’t understand what I meant. And than who am I, that they don’t understand me, just strange guy, without a title… But I don’t want a title.

I tried to save myself, so I became stupid, to at least partially be able to live with all this pain and problems. You could say, intelligent people can handle problems and solve them. But then tell me, how should I solve this world? Ah, you don’t have an answer, well then.

It is painful to know the answers to my question, but I can’t do what I tell myself or could tell myself. It is painful, that I know what I am doing, while I have no clue at all. It is hard to understand, what I always knew. It is painful to see that others now seem to understand what I always thought and then I feel even more normal, while most people still don’t understand. So where am I? Who am I really? The pretended imposter or just a little kid inside because I am just so stupid that I think I am not? But I wasn’t always, how can this be? – I forced myself to be stupid until I was.

Almost each time I am writing, I think, should I really continue?
Maybe I am causing even more problems and if people should really find this, they may totally misinterpret it or whatever could go wrong.
Nonetheless I am still writing because I have to.
Is it for me, for you or just because? For me it is important and feels right.
While I fear to be wrong again.

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