Day 13 (last night)

Well, perfect for my situation again. I just took my drug again, oh how I hate… love it. See?

I don’t know anymore whether they are doing what I think, I think what they are doing or it is just all connected. From my positive side, my soul I would say it is connected, as everything is. But the brain says, it can’t be.
Like movies can’t be real, but then they were, but no one noticed except one and I thought, it can’t be right. (Of course I am not the only one in anything, but maybe I am for something?)

I have mixed feelings about the last video. Because there is truth in it and also naive thoughts without “back thoughts”. But well, I guess from her perspective she is telling the truth, so it is a good TED talk, but I can’t agree with everything on some level. Because it is all agreeable, but no one thought about companies and lobby work etc. At least it seems as if they didn’t really think about it. Because the governement and pharma is not really on our side. Some people working for them are, for sure, but not all of them.

I have almost given up, but actually I am finally doing something right?
But according to some of the data, I am doing it all wrong, like always. No matter what I am doing, even the things I should change or do. When I am doing them, I do them, but with something wrong. So I can say, at least one thing in my life was a total success: My self-manipulation.

I successfully created a stupid human, who fears everything, thinks he knows nothing and it is true because I am what I wanted to be, because death was never an option. But a good accident or sickness would have been a well way out, at least so that no one would have known what was really going on. And then they could have cried about what a loss it was and how sad it would be. But for me, being alive is more a problem, than being dead. Because for myself, death is irrelevant, no matter what happens, it is not a big deal because for myself, I have had it all. Hell and heaven, what else should there be? The average, in between, the Limbo, I have seen. So tell, where does this may go? I know it, but do you?

I just don’t want to “just” stay alive because I have to and also I don’t want to be a problem for my parents all the time. If I would be gone, they would be sad and all, but it wouldn’t be my business anymore.

I want what everyone wants, but no one really think it is possible, only some make it happen for them. But it isn’t possible for all, so why should we think about it at all? Because hope always let us think about thinks which won’t really work, but maybe they could, but then who could tell us that it would when we would try?

I myself can’t trust in me, so who should? You sure shouldn’t.
The strength in me is the nuclear bomb outside. So when is the explosion, when is it over? I already exploded, so only the impact didn’t reach everything? The bomb sure did explode recently, so what is next?

The interest is broken. I don’t really have it. I will pay for me not listening, but I don’t know when I didn’t listen. I just know, what wasn’t my idea, when I do it without really knowing what I am doing. It is always something, I am always somewhere, but after so much death in side and evil and dark thoughts, how should one get over it, alone?

I know I can’t, but there is only one who might be on my side and I am not sure whether I really am the one the other one thinks I am. Sure there are more people (including my parents) who care for me or at least want to know what I am doing and how I am doing, but then they don’t really understand. My mother tries, at least. And for her I feel the most guilt on me because she does so much for me and did so much and I don’t do much in return.

It is more than overwhelming when you know that not only this or that is true, but so many things at the same time and also many things are possible at the same time, not only in a way physics tell. I can say, I don’t care, but then in the end I am just not caring at all, for nothing. I can either care too much or not at all. There is no healthy middle line, no self defense or secure behavior.

Just extreme, yes or no. No compromise in between, while I am always in the “in between” zone. Yep my drug is actually making it worse, but I told you that already. I don’t want it, it isn’t good, but I am used to it. And the only thing it does, it makes me feel even worse and think worse.

Why am I doing it exactly? Because I am not well in the first place, so I have to make it worse, to get it done finally. (Interesting interpretation of getting over it)

The program is always running, the self manipulation.
And I know I won’t want to read this in the future, you shouldn’t read this.
But I hope it helped in some way. I know, “just let them help you”, but if they do, they will help me, to assure me, that I am what I wanted to be.
While I wasn’t and wouldn’t have become this, if I would have supported myself and not the world. But I supported my enemies because I thought they were right and I was wrong. Now I am wrong because I made myself the wrong one, they thought I was.
(Childhood traum, several mental problems and intelligence at its best)

Shit man, I even wrote the title in a very real, but unintended way “last night”. Normally it is “late night”. But when I started to write, I already had the manipulator active. Because then sometimes I am writing something true, what I didn’t actually write or intended to write because it tries to show me that something is wrong, but when I am in the manipulation I see what it wants me to see, so I read it and it is right. It doesn’t want me to see the truth. Because it knows the truth is stronger, but it isn’t strong enough to really help me it seems. Then in my believe it is, but I don’t really believe in my own believes. (Eh what?) Exactly….

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