Day 12 (late night)

After all I heard again and what I have seen on shops and what I know about shops, I don’t think I really want to sell anything right now, just because. I would be better with doing something else first. But I sure could create some designs if I should have a creative moment.

It is hard, when you are in a lonely boat out on the ocean and you see a big container ship right behind you and a smaller ship with some people in front of you and you lost your paddels. I mean, what will you do? Jump out of the boat and swim to the container ship? Wave your hands and hope someone sees you? Would you swim to the smaller ship with all the people or just wait and see what happens?

What I am trying to say is, that I have some things which are bigger than me on each side. I could do multiple things or different things, but what should I do now?

From my heart I would just continue writing and maybe pay a little money so I don’t get ads for BILD showing up on this blog, I hate it…

I will continue developing the app and see how it goes.
I would just continue, knowing that I might fail. But then, I would fail anyways, so why not just continue and look how it goes.

The only thing which is holding me back is myself, fearing negative consequences for other people because I am doing something strange and I am kind of alone with it. In some way this is good because I want to do it alone, otherwise I would probably just leave it alone or to the other people.

When I am going through the numbers, I am sure I can survive a year. But I have to do something at some point. So I have to do something one step at a time. But I am not sure whether it is going in the right direction at all because from a “logical – old fashioned perspective” I am doing it all wrong anyways, no matter what I do. But how far should I go? Should I try to invent something new out of a box? I don’t need investments, I can do things without money. Well maybe some paper and a pencil would be nice and before I forget it, some food, water and maybe a small place to sleep sometimes.

Up and down all the time, sane and insane all the time. The best thing I could do, is writing a book. But I wouldn’t write it because of fear.
And then, what am I doing right now? Would you buy this “book” even though you already read it and can access it for free on the internet?

Maybe you would because you support what I am doing, but how many people are out there? And would I even get some kind of book contract?
What do good authors do? Did they always just write and then at some point turned it into “gold”? Or did they just follow some thereotypical generic things because this way they get a well known audience for sure?

Good is realtive in our world, good could mean high quality, it could mean you are have a well paid job (even though it is a job in a blood sucking company) and it could be good to have good grades, but in the end, what is good for you?

I mean I like this new life and it feels good in some way. But I would like to have something which would tell me “You are doing it good. Just go on. You will know when it is time, you always knew.” But except for myself, there is nothing solid. And still everything is telling me it is alright, while I can’t tell whether it is just wanting me to think it is, while I am actually screwing everything or it actually is good.

I could write all day, but I haven’t started a real book yet.
The only thing I did were some short stories and I didn’t even finish most of them and it weren’t many. I wrote many poems or just things I thought about. Like this, like what I am doing right now.

Could this sell something? I mean, could I live from just writing here, making music and programming some things? Questions, my friend.

Well, in my early middle school years I started to manipulate myself into stop thinking that my dreams could come true. And well my dreams back then were very different from today of course because I just didn’t know many things I do know now. For example computers, I just really could learn how computers really work when I got internet at that was at the second half of my 8th school year, with me being 14 years old.

Before that point I just had not enough resources to search for knowledge.
I only had TV, radio and books for most of the time. And while I could use the internet in school and at my friends, I had no real connection to it myself. I just knew how it work in some way because I used it in school a lot already and with my friends. But having access yourself is very different.

So before I had internet myself or a smart phone etc. I just started to manipulate myself into thinking that I can’t do a thing. And I tried to destruct myself including positive thoughts. In the beginning I knew that I was doing it and what it will cause, but not that I would survive.

I hoped to die eventually because of it or just don’t recognize myself anymore, would go insane or just die by killing myself. I also wanted to get deadly deseases and such things. And man, I guess I was very successful so far because even though it went on for an decade, all of this self manipulation was ready to take fruits because I actually almost killed myself just in early December and no it wasn’t a winter depression… people just don’t listen sometimes. Summer is actually more depressing for me because it is too hot outside and too bright.

So I might still manipulate myself up to this day, but I can’t turn it off just like that because I did it for at least an decade if not from elementary school on (what I personally think), so 2/3 of my life would be manipulated in a negative way and I did it, other people did it, my parents did it and everything is just a flaw.

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