Day 11 (until dawn)

On the weekend I had a dose and today again. I don’t want it, but my brain has to upper hand now. Because it tortures me now, while on the other hand it tries to calm my feelings again. But I actually want to feel, so this is counter productive… Now I am in a state of flat, almost.

(Dream log)

Last night I can remember two dream sequences.
In the first I was really big house (so big, it doesn’t make any sense).
And I actually just was in the attic. But there were so many rooms.
In one room was a big wheel, like those on festivals. And the boss who left the company I was working for were like the boss of the attic or at least the big wheel area. People were coming up there and so on. And I worked for him and did manage the big wheel. At one point one of my cousins also came to the attic, but I tried to convince him, that he should leave again because it wasn’t save. But he stayed and then he turned in to a Minecraft Zombie (whatever). On his side he was just playing a game and his character changed shape, but for me it was as if I was in the game and it was all real.

At one point some people were together in a room with me and we decided about wall decorations and paintings up there and where to put walls or doors and things. I don’t really know.

(Second dream sequence)

I was in a big lake with many other children and I myself was a child.
The water looked muddy and I couldn’t see through because of it.
But the lake seemed to be not too deep because we could stand on the ground in most of the area I was in. The lake was separated in different areas, with some ropes or something like that. We played with water balls and just enjoyed the time in the water. It was as if I were on some kind of summer camp in the dream. But I can’t remember anything else. But there must be a building next to the lake with many rooms for all the children.

(Dream log over)

At least I did a little bit for the app for some hours tonight.
But I didn’t really start if you would ask me. It still looks like an example app only with some changed values maybe. I am burning the power I am gaining because I feel like a loser again. I can’t control my brain, while it is a part of me. I could only force, what I shouldn’t have force. So for my part, I feel like the one who will be the bad example, so no one follows me. But then many would because they would think, if he didn’t succeed, why should I be able to…

I have to keep telling myself: “All is possible”, “You are great!”, “You can do so many things with ease, if you really want to!”, “You are smart, when you burn for something”, “Everything is fine”…

I can just support this quote. But for my part, I didn’t go into it.
I knew there was purpose and potential, when meating new people.
But I just never used it, never really asked for it and when I did, I often stopped at some point or the other one had other interests. Only one time I really did the right thing, I hope. But then I also broke contact. So here we go again, I guess. Well, not again – again, but still in familiar territory.

Whatever here happened again.
(embedding disabled I assume)

Having no option to change, is never an option, so I am left without options because I can only move forward. And still can’t go on. I already walked some miles from I had been. And now I am in the fog again. I can only hope, it was in some way the right decision. Otherwise I have doomed myself anyways. But because I had to trust that there really is something more than this gray or dark, colorless world. I have seen it just some weeks ago. I still partially see now, after I couldn’t see it for two weeks.
And this week it could be the end of the “partial view” again. Not because it has to be, but because I can’t really trust in anything anymore. My trust broken when I was a kid, I guess. I can only hope for a while, but don’t stay, when it seems hopeless, can I?

It is just sad and funny at the same time, how I always knew that just doing it is better than not doing it at all, even if it is bad at first. But as life went on, I more and more stopped thinking it is right because everyone else seemed to be different, do it in a different way and people said “No you can’t do it this way”, so I more and more stopped doing anything at all.

While what I am doing right now is, just doing something what feels right to some degree. For my brain I would say, it is flawed now and it is flawed since I was a child. The world is flawed. So my brain is the world. But my heart is nature, the good part about it. This way whatever I do, might not be wrong or right, but what I have to do in some way. Not because I should do everything the way I am doing it right now or will do. If I would know where I would really end up, I would either stop or move faster, but then I wouldn’t reach it at all or just because I knew it. Depending on whether it would be a good or bad destiny. And I believe, everyone could have a good destiny, many just ignore the possibility or even don’t want to have a good destiny at all, they just want to be rich or cool or something, or finally dead. So they ignore everything. And I am the one who wants to be dead. But I know, my destiny is way brighter than that, if I would just trust in it. And when I trust, I know it will be alright, but when I struggle again, like now I guess, I don’t see it. But actually right now I am only at the bridge again, so I still see the good side, while I am walking towards the bad side.

As long as I write, I am still here. As long as I write, I am doing what I never wanted when I would ask my brain – because of fear. But I always wanted when you ask my soul. Writing was the first step to get out of misery for me. For you it might be singing, talking, painting, playing a game? Many other things are possible. Writing turned into writing and making music, which turned into creating some T-shirt designs (nothing special of course, but I just did it). I also created some cool desings for my music with my own software. All because I started to write at one point, to really write about what was going on inside me.

I can’t allow myself to go to the dark side again. The bright side is so much better and the cookies actually taste better. I feel high without the need for any kind of drug, when I am on the bright side. So I walk towards the dark side because this can’t be real. While I know it was and is. Where is the one who can trust me, inside of me. Where am I, when I need myself? I mean, I know all these things, why am I still going into the wrong direction everytime, over and over again? The brighter it gets, the darker is the way back and I am still walking it. Why? Is it still the damage, is it even me?

Can’t I just stay on the bright side? The bright side isn’t just good all the time, so I know I would have to put some effort in things, but I still believe I am doing things wrong. Maybe I am doing it wrong. The right and wrong, can’t matter anymore because if I think about them, I will do the wrong thing inenevitably, just because it is easier. Not because I want to, not becaues I have to. It would be easier to do the right thing. This would mean, just trust my soul, my gut each day. No planning at all? And then I think, this is impossible, so I have to go to the dark side again, there at least I have a plan: “Death within the shortest time possible”
Cool plan… very creative… so much motivation.
Why am I doing this exactly? Ah right, because I can’t trust myself, can’t trust in myself. Still I am doing this writing thing.

I can turn all the time, but did I ever move away from it? Or was it just a dream? Oh no… it starts again. *Makes a u-turn* Nope, nope, nope.
Going straight to the bright side again. This dark side ain’t no good for me.

Boy, I am leaving the dark sectors before I am entering them completely.

The brain will always tell me, that I am stupid. So why not just do what feels better? I mean, when I am doing something wrong it says I am stupid. When I do something strange, what could be good, but it isn’t “normal”, it calls me a freak and crazy. Why do I even listen to it? It is so broken, I should have build up my “gut brain”, then I could be a happy cat at least.
While I am like super computer without any control because I calculated too much, so the hard disk is broken, but I am still calculating, while the whole thing is just destroying the data which was already written. I should shut down this “super” computer, before it is too late.

My hard disk feels like 80% broken maybe even 90% and what is left are partially working sectors and data fragments. The brain feels as if the hard disk head scratched over the plates, leaving them useless and wasted.

Walk around the corner

There is always something. Always nothing in the corner, while everything is behind you. When you turn arond it is in the corner. When will you see it, before it eats you? Maybe never, have you a chance? Can you see it before it eats you? Did anyone? Maybe we can’t. Still try to? Just walk around the corner, it doesn’t matter anyways. If it doesn’t kill you, the army behind, the soldier in front. They all could just kill you, just walk around the corner. It doesn’t matter anyways. If you die, at least with a smile and if not, well… what could go wrong, right? Just walk already!

The weeks passed as if nothing happened and nothing happened compared to what happened somewhere else, some time ago. And still things are happening. I think I have to walk, while I talk. I actually do sometimes. And then I am still just standing there. No progress? No progress… But wait, I am writing? At least something must have changed. 1% on the progress bar, maybe 2?

Well, I guess I always knew, but didn’t do what I had because no one told me it was right. I had it, but didn’t use it because no one gave it to me, so I thougt, it can’t be right. I can’t know everything, no one does. So I am just believing that I had something. But no, I had it and still have it. Only now, I got it back as response. So I am not alone. What some months can give you back, what you always had, but never trusted…

The brain wants me to constantly do something productive, make progress while it actually just causes a loss in progress by doing so. The progress comes, when I am doing it, I can’t force it, or it will be less instead.
When a soldier got hit and he gets home because he survived, but still wants to fight because his friends are still out there.

And then he had no friends. The war was pointless. But he wants to fight because the fight ain’t over. But he is hurt, he can’t fight right now, maybe never again. Why can’t he just be happy that he survived, has a chance to do something else? Does he have a chance? Give him a chance to heal and we will see. Flesh can heal, but not everything heals like flesh. Time doesn’t heal just like that, other people can, experiences can, feelings can. Time can’t heal, time can make it even worse.

I know you can’t just believe that I know everything because I don’t act as if I know. I don’t even believe it myself, but I felt it many times now and I felt it in the past. Just illusion? I know the brain will always say, it is wrong.

This is already too long.
Last video, at least for this post.
See you in the next one.

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