Day 8 (until dawn)

When the students learned more than they were taught, it is wrong. Because they should only learn, what is “good” for them. Not what is good in general. A system can only work, if almost everyone supports it. Trust in the Mokra’s E. Like the Alpha and the Omega. And E is an F, only one line was added.

Well there just came this thought in my mind. I am not sure whether you heard from the oil platform incident with the guy who wanted to create his own state upon an old oil platform he bought. He even wanted or already had servers there. I think he were not allowed to do it because by law he couldn’t do this. Probably because he was already in another state and no one wanted a new single man state in the ocean. I am not sure how serious he was and what actually happened, but it was interesting.
So just imagine a bunch of people on an oil platform or a big boat in the middle of an ocean. I mean, a big boat would be a bad idea because we actually want to get rid of them, but maybe we could turn the motors off? Like an island, only floating in the water. Open sea is open sea, isn’t it? But then how would you make a new state? I mean, some poeple can call out a state when they have a lot of people behind them and other nations accept it, but then, would someone accept a bunch of people on an old container ship in the middle of the ocean? Question mark.

For my next track Duabus animabus:

Matthew 6:27
“Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?”

Luke 6:27-29
Love you enemies
“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.”

Judges 6:27
“So Gideon took ten of his servants and did as the Lord told him. But because he was afraid of his family and the townspeople, he did it at night rather than in the daytime.”

1 Kings 6:27
“He placed the cherubim inside the innermost room of the temple, with their wings spread out. The wing of one cherub touched one wall, while the wing of the other touched the other wall, and their wings touched each other in the middle of the room.”

John 6:27
Do not work for food that does not last. Work for food that lasts forever. The Son of Man will give you that kind of food. God the Father has shown He will do this.

Well a lot of bible data around here, still don’t think it is what it is. And also don’t laugh about it. Just let it inspire you. The words might be dead, but still they are there. Not the single word has always meaning, not a sentence, but all of it together. So maybe nothing is important to you. Nothing for me and still somehow it connects us or someone who reads it with me, with you or just you with yourself, as I with mine.

Should you think I am making fun of God, you don’t know me. Should you think I am a christian, you don’t know me. Should you think I am some kind of religous guy. You don’t know me. So what is all of this? It is me and it is them. You, me all of us. It is more we can explain and yet, just us. Tell, do you believe in God? Not what you think I mean, not what some say. Not what an image of an old man in the sky has told you. Tell me, do you believe there is something bigger than us? Be it God or something else. I call it God because it is the way I do it. But you may call it different? Just don’t mix it something else. There is no religion behind me, no religion for me. Nothing with rules man made. So for me is believe and I believe in God, whatever God is, I don’t believe in an old man or a man at all. For me God is nor man, nor woman. He is all of it. So all of us are God in some way, but we don’t act as if we were. Some said, man are Gods, some said humans together are God, some say what some say. I say, God is something bigger than the single one of us and still we might feel it, can imagine it. But it is bigger than us. Call it God, universe, call it the great thing in the skies, only don’t mix it with bad things because bad things aren’t good. (Don’t get this wrong. If you feel bad, but you want the right or something, you are welcome. Just don’t say “Hail Satan!” when you think that is the same as “I believe in a higher being.” Technically it is, because Satan (Whatever he is – fallen angel, just an image for evil) is also a higher being than us. Sure thing. But still not what I mean because evil won’t bring much good in the end. So question whatever you believe in a healthy way, but don’t act like “This is God” and “there is the being I searched for” because you will get lost in something else, maybe worse than before. Therefor there is no religion for me because for me religion is dead. This doesn’t mean there aren’t any people in religions who truly believe in the good, in something big. But there are more dead words, than real actions. As far as I have seen at least. But as I said, there are people everywhere, even in an satanic cult I suppose, who want something good. Maybe they got there by accident, maybe they searched on the wrong place. Just don’t lose hope. There is always something.
(Says the one who can’t even trust himself.)
Well said my friend, well said.

From a christian perspective (I was more or less raised in a christian way), I would be one of the people which don’t belong the either side, not good, not bad, just in the middle somewhere. At least that is where I would put myself. Because at one point in the bible there is something about these people and that they aren’t good because they aren’t on either side. So I count myself on this side because I felt betrayed by the so called God I got teached. Not betrayed, but it all was just crazy in some way. So I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. So here I am, in the middle way. And while it is right for one who is on neither side, that they are not good because they are often betraying people. You could say a rat, who goes where is the better food. But well, then it is also not right I suppose, not for me. Because I don’t go where is better food, actually where it is worse. So when the devil offers me all one would want in a material way, I don’t want it because it is just not worth the cost. God offers me the best food, my peace and eternal life. So I say, well I would preffer this one, but then if you really should want me to be what I am not, I can’t accept. Therefor I went the middle way and it sucked as well. You see, God in a christian way of thinking maybe is an old man for some. But I didn’t want this old man. I always believed in something bigger than me, I just felt there must be something bigger. But it didn’t feel right when I was in church or just with christians or so. So I thought, well then, I am different. And still I believed in God, but as I said in a different way. So the God I didn’t want or at least not what he offered to me, wasn’t the God I believed in. It was an image of an God people believe in. My God felt different, real without borders, without strict rules without any sense. The human soul does the right thing, when it can. (Not the brain, so most people do the wrong thing.) And the soul is what felt there is something out there which is God for me.

Do you think it is strange? I bet you do. Or you are interested in it, maybe.
I just hope some of my words are useful. Because as you already know, I just write and write what comes in mind. There is no rule book, no script or something. I just write it and at the end I post it. Maybe some spelling corrections if even, that is all. So do you like what you see? Does it scare you, do you enjoy it? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter, I will write anyways. Until I stop writing. When, I don’t know. I hope never, then I will at some point for sure. Maybe for some weeks, some months, a year? Nothing is written in the stars, while all already lays down on the table. (Negativing itself) Mystic rubbish, or an inspiring platform for ideas?
You are the one to judge, but please keep it for yourself. I don’t need your judgement, I already judged myself, be sure. I always judged and judge myself. Way too often. So this time, just let it be, okay? If not, well I guess I have to handle it. Just be kind, will ya? I hope I am kinder than I seem.
In my soul I am, just my brain is not always acting nice.
When I say something mean, something really painful, don’t think I really want it to be. My soul wants to love everyone, wants to have peace, only my brain creates chaos because there is chaos in the world. Just a mirror of the environment. Do you copy? Over and out.

(Too completely confuse the audience once again)
I mean how can anyone think this is in some way logical? But anyways, I am writing. 😀

So you might think I am far away from any normal parameters and I asure you, I am far away, indeed. But is it bad or is it good? We will see.
My problem now, I have to decide against the logical because it feels right. But then is it really right? So far each time I did something which felt wrong to me, it only got worse. But this in some way feels right. But the brain still wants to tell me it isn’t so I can’t decide for myself. The decision would be to quit my job and do “nothing” for a year or at least some months. And when I say, I will do “nothing” it actually means I will do what I did this week. I will make music almost every day, write every day, play a game sometimes, go out for a walk sometimes, watch some series on Netflix, some videos on YouTube, some music. I will develop some programs, some apps and maybe even interact with other people (don’t take the last one too serious, because I don’t want to pressure myself too much). So you see, I actually do more when I do “nothing” from a workers perspective or society. While I was working, all I did was watching things most of the time. Or I just went to bed because I was frustrated. Sometimes I did something else, maybe play a game. I almost stopped developing software completely and had almost no interest in anything anymore until I really wanted to die, with a kitchen knife in my bed and only my shorts on. I also tried to stop my heart, just my will. (Yep and it almost worked. I mean I was lying there for an hour without doing anything, almost stopped breathing and everything. At one point I felt almost dead and it was pretty cold all of a sudden. After some time I got up again and my heart almost collapsed because it was beating so slow for the last hour. I also tried this a couple of times and thought maybe this way it would go out, like a motor of a car, when you don’t start right after you stopped because of a sign or a red light. The motor makes some noise and goes out. And I think I did make some progress in that direction and I am not proud of it. But the last weeks I often felt my heart being weak and last weak I felt like getting a heart attack, blue lips, cold fingers and feet again, while I was actually walking outside and I was shaking, as if it was -20°C (just an extreme cold temperature) while it actually wasn’t that cold compared to what I normally have (I often walked to work with a normal jacket and a T-shirt while it was between 0°C – 5°C outside.) And it wasn’t the temperature at all. I also had this after eating. My finger tails would get dark purple and cold as well as my toes and sometimes even my belly / heart started shaking up to an hour after I had eaten something.

(Not in the playlist because it is YouTube children)

Special for children you say? Interesting… YouTube these days… doesn’t let you add videos to a playlist when it is “specially for children”. Does this make sense? Shouldn’t it be up to them? I mean, what is a kid in the eyes of YouTube? Shouldn’t they be allowed to have a playlist? Or at least let other people add it to their playlist when they aren’t kids? Am I wrong here? Man these YouTube changes confuse me. And it seemed that the comments are also deactivated for these videos, or maybe the couple of videos I found which had it active just deactivated them. But I mean. YouTube without playlist option, without comments? Okay some comments are shit, but there are also so many cool and nice comments which light a day. Why deactivating everything? I understand on one hand, but on the other one I just think this is making borders, where none should be. And I mean who even uses the kids option? I goes the “children” just deactive it somehow if they can, so well played… Just let everyone else suffer because someone wants to have a child security on youtube… where the security is optional. I don’t get this shit, I am out.

Just to be sure, I don’t hear actual voices, but I am myself talking to myself in the name of my brain and soul. So I am actually talking all the time inside my head (when I am not writing it down). Basically i don’t hear voices, at least not normally I should say. Still I get the point because I sometimes feel as if it would be a voice, still I know it is me. And that doesn’t make it any better. As I said, I can’t trust myself because of this because I often betray myself in some way. Be it doing what I don’t want or that I do the wrong instead of the right thing. I know it each time, but still I do the wrong too often. Why? Because there are too many things in my head. And my life feels so wrong, not all of it, but most of it. So I have to change it. I started and failed, started again, and failed. Now I am again at the decision which will either cost my life or give my life. (There is always a future of some sort, but it still feels like a final decision)

I often say the same things because I can’t get rid of them or can’t close them. Because I have to close them in a good way, but I only find a bad way – just talking, not doing something in the real world. And then I did real things, it felt strange, still is. But it had to be, maybe not this way, but I felt I had no other choice. Now I have to decide. Life with 90% freedom or life with 50% freedom? (Actual numbers would be 100 and 10, but on the paper it would look like this.) And before it was like 1 or 0 on a scale 0-100. So I was almost dead most of the time. Not physically, but when it comes to feelings, real emotions and just being honest (either to myself or others).

I am not reading all of this, sometimes I just look through some pages, but in general I don’t look over it again. It is just written and then I publish it. If you should find patterns where should be patterns, or in other words: Should you find me being completely trapped in a dillusion, illusion or something like that. Well, let me know. I know an answer to everything. Only inside, not outside, not always. I am many things, but I am not a good person, not always. Then what am I, if not good? I am gray, I am not black, not white, just gray. Sometimes darker, sometimes brighter. But would I be a black sheep I could be on one side or on another. But gray means, i am in the middle of something because I am. I am in a process, which isn’t over yet, so don’t force into a picture, into a position I am not interested in right now. Which might even harm me. Don’t tell me, what I already know, trust me I know a lot. (Says the one, who can’t trust himself.) Ah, shut up man.

Should I say “himself” or better “themselves”, maybe “herself”? For me it isn’t important, but I don’t want to be counted as a default man, just because I look like one. For myself I feel like both inside. Sometimes more like a man and sometimes more like a woman. But I like my female side more because it is my soul, while my male side is my brain I think. (Just figures – an image, not actual science)

Holy moly

How good does this one fit to what I am writing at the moment. The higher force striked again! And I mean you can probably see it in a different way, but it is still fitting to me personally.
So I will just be seen as a human being. Called by a name, but not a gender. I am not a woman, I have a male body. I am not a man either because my soul is female. Then I am not gay, still like woman, but only because I can’t do anything with men. That is only because I had too much pain because of them. So I can’t count myself as one. It is a psychological things, a spiritual thing, maybe even a biological thing, who knows. But I am who I am and I am not fitting in a category (but I know there is always one, waiting for me). Just let me be a human, whatever you think of me, I am a human. Being both means being whole. Not in a biological way maybe, maybe there as well. It has many ways. And while I think in many relationships there is a female and a male presence, it can be between two men, two woman, a role change, nor woman or man, but in some way there often seems to be a male and a female role in a relationship. Not because it has to be this way, but because it is some kind of complete thing when it is. But there also could be two people who are the same, not this nor that, no matter what the body says. But when there is a neutrality in a positve way, an addition and not exclusion, a human is whole. Be it alone or with someone else. And in some way both should be the case. Being whole inside means you can be whole at any give time, with someone else or just yourself. (Just because I write this, doesn’t mean I am already at this point, okay? Give me some time to keep up with my writing tempo, will ya?)

Is there a point where I should stop writing? Of course. I often write beyond this point now. It just doesn’t let me stop. Not because my writings are this high quality or valued, just this feeling in my hands, my soul. This never stopping wish to continue, be it writing, listening to music, watching a cool and interesting series or just a game I really enjoy. I can’t stop, don’t want to stop. And it is a good thing, because then I know I love it. But when I can’t stop to hurt myself, it feels bad and still it happens because I am not ready yet it seems, not healed at all. But there is hope, I guess.
(Says the one who writes a lot about hope and meaning, about helping and not giving up, while the writer actually doesn’t trust his own words)
Sure thing bro, if you say so. I know you want the best for me.

If people want to know my story
Me: Do you have half a year?

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