Well, I see this as an answer to my question.
So this is it, I am doing it. I am really quitting my job. It is completely stupid, seems wrong and might be wrong. But I don’t feel good when I think about continuing like the last years. For me it is more important I do what I love now. There are so many things I could finally do, I never had the chance for.
Why isn’t there an option to live on a minimum, but without the need of work? Oh wait there is (in my country at least), but with so many restrictions and also just meant as a temporary thing until you find a better job again or something. Well, so why isn’t there a minimum thing? I mean, I would survive with prison food I would say. The only thing I would need, is a computer with internet connection. So I guess I would work for this luxury a little bit extra and then I could do what I want. But well, that ain’t happening, not working in our society? What is possible? Well it is possible to unite in groups and share together. Help eachother etc. Is it always legal, maybe not. But it depends on the group and what they are doing usually and with whom. So drug smugglers wouldn’t be the best group to join. But some people in the forest maybe? Some people on a farm maybe? As long as there is no one abusing the situation for their own good. If everyone is in the same boat and has the same rights, there is potential for trouble, but also for hope and trust.
This is it for today I think. I have to write my boss that I won’t come to work anymore and only make the necessary things, like the cancellation agreement. It is just over for me. I can’t do it anymore. I know it looks strange and stupid, but this is how I feel and what is more important? That I survive another year or a fucking piece of paper I don’t even want anymore, actually never really wanted. It was just thought to be necessary, while I actually never had interest in it. Not really.
Yep, I did it… I wrote I won’t come to work again.
Just this morning I started to get an acid mouth feeling again and my stomach felt and still feels like shit. It just hurts and has a strange feeling because I thought the whole day “Tomorrow I have to go to work again.” or something like that. This is not good and I won’t be able to turn it off, only by going the “easy” way out, if you understand. (For me it never felt easy, but sometimes better than continuing my misery)
According to what I experience recently, my decision was right.
But my brain will probably torture me for it tomorrow, maybe not.
I hope my love can stop it from raging against me again.
The world as I knew it ended last year, this year is new year and I don’t think I will regret it. Either way, it can’t get much worse for me personally. Sure my life could be much worse, but inside I felt it all. I didn’t experience what others did, who suffered more than me, feared for their lives for real, got abused and worse. No I didn’t experience all of it like this, but in some way I felt everything, every pain. As well as every joy and peace one could get. But if I should let all of it behind because I “have to” continue in my career or job, it would kill me one way or the other.
Yep, there it is. (Why did you do this? You had it all? You just threw it away for “freedom”. Soon you will how free you really are in this world, you maggot.)
Easy bro, easy. What went into you?
(You betrayed ME this time!)
Oh, and what about all the times you betrayed me?
(It was a necessary evil.)
Mhmm, evil, yes it was.
(No, necessary evil)
I understood you clearly, man. But this is over now.
Any last words before I throw you into the drunk tank?
(Eh… I am not…)
And in you go!